


The Untitled New Directions Group Chat

by Hiphopyogalesbian



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:48:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 36,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26362921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiphopyogalesbian/pseuds/Hiphopyogalesbian
Summary: ALL the OG New Directions (+Sam and Blaine) have graduated - Finn isn't dead alsoKurt / Rachel / Blaine / Santana and Sam are sharing an apartment In New York-Kurt, Rachel and Blaine are all at NYADA-Santana is working in a PR firm and sings in a jazz lounge as a hobby-Sam works for a record label working his way up the ladderPuck / Finn and Brittany are in LA-Puck is doing a creative writing course and obviously cleaning all the pools in the LA area-Finn is doing his teaching training-Brittany is a laker girl and training to be a dance teacherMercedes is working on her soul album and is currently MemphisTina is living with Artie and Mike also in New York-Tina is studying fashion and costume design but still performs in school theatre productions-Artie is at film school-Mike is at dance school, also studying to teach danceQuinn is at Yale studying English literature and dramaHere's the completely unnecessary group chat of the New Directions
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Blaine Anderson/Sam Evans, Mike Chang/Tina Cohen-Chang, Quinn Fabray/Santana Lopez, Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson, Sam Evans/Santana Lopez, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 230
Kudos: 197





	1. The one with the group chat

**Author's Note:**

> (Chapter 1)
> 
> -Tina randomly currently hates Artie  
> -Sam and Santana are currently besties  
> -Rachel is currently dating Brody  
> -Quinn and Puck aren't dating  
> -Santana and Brittany aren't together but probably still are  
> -Puck invents Sharknado

[Satan-na] has created a group chat  
[Is Everybody here Gay?]  
Added....  
[Troll]  
[Finnocence]  
[JewHawk]  
[Wheels]  
[LadyFabray]  
[TroutyMouth]  
[Bowtie]  
[LadyHummel]  
[IamMikeChang™]  
[Brit-tanynotSpears]  
[MsJones]  
[GirlChang] 

[Satan-na] Berry tell Trouty to quits hogging the shower I gots to get to work  
[Troll] tell him yourself I'm not getting involved in another of your squabbles, also can you change my name from troll?  
[Satan-na] Fine if he doesn't get out I'll just get in there with him, I gots to be at work in under an hour  
Also NO!!  
[Troll] Santana I don't like being troll!!!  
[Bowtie] I'll bang on the door see if I can get him to hurry up  
[Satan-na] you just wanna see his penis  
[LadyHummel] goodness sake my phone won't stop buzzing in class, this is a monstrosity  
[LadyFabray] I for one don't understand why we are all on your petty little New York group chat anyway  
[Satan-na] oh somebodies bitter today  
[LadyFabray] you want me to slap you again?  
[Satan-na] Always ;)  
[Troll] this group chat will help us all keep in touch all the time  
[GirlChang] Morning everyone  
[Wheels] Yo Girl  
[GirlChang] fuck off Artie  
[MsJones] hey gurl language!!!  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] new group chat who dis?  
[TrouthMouth] FFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SANTANA FUCKING LOPEZ!!!!  
[MsJones] Samuel!!!!!  
[Satan-na] you called Guppy face??  
[TroutyMouth] don't burst in on me in the shower again!!!  
[Satan-na] Seriously what were you even doing in there? I gots places to be!  
[TroutyMouth] It's called privacy  
[Satan-na] please you are currently sleeping on a mattress on the floor in my room  
[JewHawk] so basically neither of you are currently having sex with anybody?? Also Santana I don't even have a mohawk anymore  
[Satan-na] excuse me!!! that's presumptuous, also fine I'll change your name

[Satan-na] has changed [JewHawk] to [NoahsArk]

[NoahsArk] Oh fuck off Santana  
[MsJones] imma leave this group if y'all keep swearing  
[IamMikeChang™] How is everyone?  
[NoahsArk] dude how's dance school?  
[IamMikeChang™] It's totally cool!!!! How's film writing classes??  
[NoahsArk] awesome man, wrote a script last week for Get this.... sharks caught in a tornado... a sharknado  
[GirlChang] pardon me???  
[Finnocence] It's awesome right?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I totally helped him come up with the idea and we've already planned the sequel, Artie do you want to direct?  
[Wheels] it's a hard pass from me  
[IamMikeChang™] the shark thing sounds cool bro  
[Finnocence] I totally love having Brit on campus near us  
[Satan-na] Brit why you hanging out with these losers??? also Sharknado?? are you all smoking crack, are you getting the crack from Rachel's shiny plastic boyfriend?  
[Troll] HE'S NOT A DRUG DEALER!!!  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I thought you'd be more supportive :(  
[NoahsArk] Now you've made Brittany sad  
[Satan-na] You two are massive dorks!! Brittany is way cooler than both of you  
[TroutyMouth] you love dorky stuff, we watched the entire original Star Wars triolgy back to back last weekend whilst Rachel, Blaine and Kurt were at a Broadway show  
[Satan-na] fuck off Sam  
[LadyFabray] Santana why don't you just admit that Sam is your best friend?  
[Satan-na] because he's such a loser  
[LadyHummel] you two literally spent the entire evening last night arguing about who was the greatest Batman  
[Bowtie] George Clooney <3  
[TroutyMouth] SHUT UP BLAINE  
[Satan-na] Seriously Blaine! Clooney? I'll throw you on the subway  
[NoahsArk] Tana you are the biggest girl nerd I know!!!  
[LadyFabray] it's endearing how dorky you are Santana, I mean if you weren't so hot I'd definitely have bullied you in high school  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Sexy nerd ;)  
[Satan-na] Stop it Brit I'm blushing <3  
[Wheels] so I get shit for being a nerd all my life but just cos Santana's hot with a great rack she doesn't get bullied?  
[TroutyMouth] WOAH!!! don't talk about my best friend like that I'll slap you out your wheelchair  
[Satan-na] <3 much love Trouty <3 Yo Artie I suggest you sleep with one eye open  
[GirlChang] ur a pig Artie  
[Troll] what have I missed? is Tina upset  
[Bowtie] Artie you are out of line, Tina is my best friend, and I like to think Santana at least tolerates me  
[Troll] let's not make this about Tina  
[GirlChang] it's never about me :/  
[Satan-na] Of course I like you bowtie!!! I once recored a confession of assault from that slippery little gay weasel Sebastian by taping a device to my underboob for you  
[Bowtie] <3 Love you  
[Satan-na] Ok Well don't be over the top  
[NoahsArk] So since ur a confirmed dork Lopez can I send you my script for your feedback?  
[Satan-na] yeah sure :)  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Miss you Tana  
[Satan-na] Miss you too Brit Brit  
[LadyHummel] are you two back on?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] we are just super close friends forever right now  
[Finnocence] it's ok Santana we are totally taking care of her  
[Satan-na] Yeah the thought of you 3 looking out for each other is worrying  
[Troll] how is being a professional Laker girl Brit?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I love it, I get to dance and study dance and I'm totally good at it  
[Satan-na] I'm so proud of you <3  
[LadyFabray] The Unholy Trinity, Top Bitches Forever  
[Satan-na] Had both you bitches ;)  
[Puckasaurus] been there done all of them  
[TroutyMouth] Dated all 3 of them   
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I feel left out, Quinny come and visit me in LA ;)  
[LadyFabray] I've got some air miles to use I'm sure I could get a little Sapphic again  
[Satan-na] NO ME GUSTA  
[LadyFabray] Oh Santana you think we'd leave you out??  
[Satan-na] oh ;) Road trip to LA it is then, Sam can I borrow your car?  
[TroutyMouth] absolutely not  
[Satan-na] Fine drive me then!!!  
[TroutyMouth] driving you from one end of the country to the other so you can have a threesome with 2 of my ex girlfriends??? :/  
[Satan-na] I'm clearly your favourite ex girlfriend  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] you wanna watch??  
[NoahsArk] Dude!!!!!!!  
[Finnocence] I'm really uncomfortable right now  
[Satan-na] shutup Finn,  
[LadyFabray] Finn cannot comprehend this at all, it's very amusing  
[Satan-na] Sam are you going to drive me or not??  
[TroutyMouth] ugh fine  
[Satan-na] Ur the best :)  
[GirlChang] I can't tell if this is a complete joke or not?  
[MsJones] there's a reason why I switch off my notifications  
[Wheels] It sounds totally hot tbh  
[Troll] I've never had a threesome, I must admit I'm a little curious  
[Satan-na] you can snuggle with me and trouty tonight if you like?  
[NoahsArk] what has happened to you Lopez?  
[Troll] that's very kind of you Santana  
[Bowtie] Who's having a threesome? is it Me, Sam and Tina  
[LadyHummel] YOU FUCKING WHAT???!!!!!  
[MsJones] Kurt Elizabeth Hummel stop your swearing at once, do I need to reform the celibacy club??????  
[Satan-na] sorry Mama , respect  
[LadyHummel] Blaine I'm so upset with you  
[Satan-na] oh wonderful now Blaine's going to be sad so he's going to warble some sad little ballad at the piano whilst Rachel cries and Kurt sulks spitefully in the corner.  
[TroutyMouth] You wanna watch Avatar in your room?  
[Satan-na] should be long enough for Blaine to stop singing sad songs  
[NoahsArk] Dorks  
[Satan-na] Mercedes do I have permission to swear?  
[MsJones] Yeah  
[Satan-na] Fuck off Puckerman  
[Puckasaurus] Bitch  
[Satan-na] Prick  
[MsJones] that's enough now  
[Satan-na] Wanky


	2. The one with the Lesbian Couple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The New Directions  
> think Sam and Santana need to start dating people because they are behaving like a lesbian couple. They just wanna be left alone to do nerd shit

[Troll] Has anybody seen my thick black tights it's freezing out?  
[Satan-na] ooooh sexy black tights to go with your slutty new look?  
[Troll] well do you know where they are or not?  
[TroutyMouth] Santana and I used them last night  
[Troll] for what exactly!?  
[Satan-na] we got bored cut them up made some tiny bat decorations for Halloween  
[LadyHummel] There's black glitter everywhere!!!!  
[Bowtie] guys it's only September  
[Satan-na] Like I care, Halloween is the most important day of the year  
[LadyFabray] must I wake up to your nonsense every morning? , please make your own group chat  
[Satan-na] where's the fun in that Q?  
[LadyFabray] I'm all about the Fun Rosario ;)  
[Finnocence] Who's Rosario?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] What's going on are we using spy names?  
[NoahsArk] No Britt Quinn and Santana are being lezzy again  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] oh, I love scissoring  
[MsJones] Oh dear God  
[LadyHummel] hey Mercedes!!!  
[MsJones] Hey boo  
[Wheels] guys my film project got me a top grade  
[Troll] Oh Artie well done applause all round for you  
[Satan-na] Oh Rachel Berry applauding someone other than herself  
[Troll] Excuse me last week you and Sam laughed at yourselves for 30 whole minutes because you stuck all of Blaine's bowties to the floor with his hairgel  
[Bowtie] the smell of raspberries is still lingering  
[TroutyMouth] damn we are funny  
[NoahsArk] Sam dude you need to start dating, you start hanging out with Santana any longer and you'll start wearing dungarees, even more flannel and renting a uhaul to your cute little cottage you just got together upstate  
[Satan-na] Not cool Puckerman!!!!  
[TroutyMouth] Are you calling me a lesbian?  
[Wheels] Basically yeah  
[GirlChang] Santana you are way to hot to be single  
[IamMikeChang™] Tina???!!!!  
[GirlChang] I'm just saying, Sam's hot too  
[IamMikeChang™] not sure that makes it better Tina  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] It's true Santana, you should definitely be scissoring with somebody  
[Satan-na] but what if I don't want too,  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] we said whilst I was college and apart we can do our own thing, last night I went on a date with Finn  
[Troll] WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????  
[Satan-na] I'M ABOUT TO TEACH FINN SOME LIMA HEIGHTS HOSPITALITY  
[NoahsArk] calm down Crazy, I dropped them off at McDonald's and I watched them from afar, they both had happy meals and played with the toys afterwards. No funny business just a kiss on the cheek  
[LadyFabray] that's actually really sweet, Puck are you playing not so millionaire matchmaker now?  
[NoahsArk] tbh I got rid of them whilst I slept with some sorority chick but actually I kinda dig the pair of them  
[Finnocence] I had a really nice time Brittany  
[Troll] I am completely shocked by this  
[Satan-na] what do you care your dating Ken doll with his weird hairless body ??  
[Troll] Finn and Brittany?? it just doesn't make sense  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] he can't dance but he's kinda sweet, we both don't understand an awful lot of what is going on so we just do our own thing it's nice  
[Satan-na] ugh ok just don't sleep with him it's totally not worth your time  
[Finnocence] HEY!!!!!!!!  
[LadyHummel] don't want to think about my brother doing the do you know!!!  
[Satan-na] ok Kurt if you can't say sex you shouldn't be doing it!!  
[Bowtie] I'm saying nothing  
[LadyHummel] at least I'm getting some, and not stuck in a bizarre lesbian relationship with Sam without the sex  
[TroutyMouth] I AM NOT A LESBIAN I'M A DUDE  
[LadyHummel] I've lost count of how many times I've found you hauled up in Santana's room watching repeats of Pretty Little Liars  
[GirlChang] That's a pretty lesbian show  
[TroutyMouth] It's a brilliant television masterpiece  
[LadyHummel] Santana needs a girlfriend  
[TroutyMouth] No she doesn't  
[Satan-na] dont speak for me..... No I don't  
[LadyFabray] oh leave them alone, Sam is a perfect honorary lesbian  
[Wheels] come on Sam I've got a girlfriend  
[GirlChang] yeah now you've stopped spreading chlamydia  
[IamMikeChang™] not cool Artie  
[MsJones] what's this nonsense about Sam being a lesbian?  
[Satan-na] It's bullshit, Sam and I are fine as we are, enjoying being single and hanging out BROS BEFORE HOES  
[Troll] right and what are your plans for tonight?  
[TroutyMouth] watching Ocean's 8 again  
[NoahsArk] wow so lesbian  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] that's a very lesbian film  
[Satan-na] it's not lesbian film, it's about strong independent women, doing cool undercover underhand crime  
[LadyFabray] Seriously??? Santana you are a terrible lesbian, I love you but you've clearly missed the gay in this film  
[TroutyMouth] I don't get it  
[Wheels] we discussed gay subtext in film class last week, this film was discussed.  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] me Puck and Finn are watching Frozen tonight  
[Satan-na] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH sorry MY HAHA button got stuck  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] that's a real button? Puck why don't I have it?  
[NoahsArk] jokes on you Lopez I know all the words to the songs. suck it bitch  
[Satan-na] talk to me like that again and I will ends you  
[NoahsArk] whatever, you get than new PlayStation game I sent you?  
[Satan-na] yeah I did thanks  
[Troll] I can't keep up are you two fighting or not?  
[NoahsArk] I call it sibling like bickering  
[LadyFabray] oh yes because I used to have sex with my sibling  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] ewww Quinn that's disgusting  
[Satan-na] No Brit sweetie she's just saying me and Puck used to sleep together but now we are like brother and sister, we like each other deep down but we fight a lot because its fun and we annoy each other  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Oh I get it  
[Wheels] Sam let me set you up on a dating app!!!!  
[TroutyMouth] Artie drop it....  
[Satan-na] no let four eyes do his thing, he won't find anyone as good as me  
[Troll] I simply don't understand, if you and Sam aren't a couple, why are you so upset?  
[Satan-na] erm because he belongs to me now he's my Kylie Jenner lips  
[IamMikeChang™] isn't this just classic Santana?  
[LadyHummel] we know she's always possessive over things she thinks belongs to her  
[Satan-na] look Sam is a huge dork with an enormous mouth but he's also profoundly insightful and emotionaly intuitive. He's also low key hilarious and I actually like his impressions, he actually thinks I'm funny and he's the only person who holds me back from doing stupid stuff.  
[MsJones] haha like screaming at Rachel in Spanish???  
[GirlChang] COSAS MALAS  
[Satan-na] that's right Tina!!!!!  
[Bowtie] look why is everyone hating??? has anyone thought that maybe Santana is just severely missing Brittany and Sam is the closest thing to her? they are kind of similar but also Santana also said she totally misses hanging out with her best bro Puck. Now she has an adorable soft blonde who likes cool dork stuff all rolled into one.  
[NoahsArk] knew you missed me Lopez  
[Satan-na] Gay warbler is right, Sam is all those things, plus right now he has basically the same hair cut as Quinn so he looks kinda hot.  
[Wheels] Sam you need a haircut  
[GirlChang] Artie I will push you into one of the lakes in central park  
[MsJones] damn T that's kinda harsh  
[LadyHummel] Blaine it kind of sounds like you are in love with Sam!!!??  
[TroutyMouth] who doesn't wanna get up on this white chocolate butt  
[MsJones] Oh Samuel stop it  
[Finnocence] so what I understand is Santana really likes hanging out with Sam because he reminds her of all the things she misses?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] how cute is that, <3 Santana is adorable  
[Satan-na] Brit <3  
[Bowtie] I'm not in love with Sam Kurt  
[Troll] it sounds like an unhealthy attachment to me  
[TroutyMouth] oh what like you used to be unhealthily attached to reindeer sweaters before you started dressing like a Kardashian??  
[NoahsArk] woah Sam just delivered a Lopez class insult to Rachel  
[LadyFabray] it's happening, they are morphing into one another  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] SAMTANA  
[Satan-na] sounds like perfection Brit you are so smart  
[Finnocence] and shes like really pretty  
[Satan-na] Back off Hudson  
[TroutyMouth] Santana leave them to do their thing, Finn is no replacement for you  
[Finnocence] thanks dude :/  
[LadyHummel] Blaine where are you?? what's all this comic book crap all over the loft??  
[NoahsArk] dude you got my package?!  
[Satan-na] GRACIAS Puckerman <3  
[TroutyMouth] Tonight, Santana, Blaine and I are watching all the Avengers movies  
[Troll] Oh my god!!!! noooooooooo  
[Satan-na] Save the dramatics Berry, there ain't nothing you can do about it  
[LadyFabray] Santana how were you ever cool?  
[Satan-na] you just liked looking up my cheerio skirt ;)  
[LadyFabray] point taken  
[TroutyMouth] wanky  
[Satan-na] not yet trouts not yet ok??  
[TroutyMouth] <3 Ok


	3. The one with the favour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mercedes wants a favour  
> everything just leads to chaos once again

[MsJones] Right fight it out  
[Troll] Are you actively encouraging fighting?  
[MsJones] I need one of you to do a rap sample for my album, fight it out for who's the best and Blaine it ain't you  
[Bowtie] thanks Mercedes :/  
[Finnocence] I'm ok but not good enough for Mercedes it's gotta be between Puck, Artie and Santana right?  
[Satan-na] well it ain't Mr Shue  
[TroutyMouth] hey I can rap  
[Satan-na] why don't you stick to body rolling in the back guppy?  
[TroutyMouth] your mean  
[Satan-na] and you are low key into it  
[Wheels] Did somebody say My Rap skills are needed?? HOLAAAAAA  
[GirlChang] Oh here we go  
[ImMikeChang™] Tina can you stop being so passive aggressive towards Artie all the time?  
[GirlChang] he's just like a permanently annoying 3rd wheel Mike  
[Satan-na] technically more like a 6th wheel but ya know  
[LadyFabray] Santana rapping does things to me  
[NoahsArk] Quinn I think you might be gayer than Santana  
[Satan-na] meh she definitely is  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Quinny is one of those classy lesbians who have floral Curtains and fine china to drink tea from  
[Satan-na] are we talking about Kurt or Quinn???  
[LadyHummel] Oh here we go  
[Bowtie] Kurt is a real lady  
[Troll] Santana stop attacking everyone this morning  
[Finnocence] It's totally a different time in LA  
[Satan-na] oh congrats Finn's learnt all about Time zones  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] did Finn invent the theory of Time?  
[Satan-na] Puckerman if those two DO have sex make sure they use birth control and protection the world ain't ready for that  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] we aren't having sex, I just like holding his hand  
[Finnocence] It's nice,  
[Troll] do you think she's prettier than me Finn?  
[TroutyMouth] Here we go, Rachel making this all about herself  
[MsJones] OH HELL NO, stop this crap... you know what I pick Santana, female empowerment and all that and our voices sound killer together  
[Satan-na] BOOM!!!! I WIN, LOVE YOU CEDES <3  
[Wheels] I thought you were my girl Mercedes??  
[GirlChang] don't be disappointed, you still are the most annoying former member of the Glee club  
[Bowtie] Tina honey, I think you need some Blaine time  
[Satan-na] whatever that is it sounds disgusting  
[NoahsArk] Mercedes come on you know our voices sound killer together  
[MsJones] you make a persuasive argument Puck  
[NoahsArk] You know if you ever swing by LA I'll take you on a date  
[Satan-na] Please im gonna vom  
[Troll] I must admit I admire Tina's resolve, I believe she's the only girl out of all of us to never date or sleep with Noah  
[GirlChang] I think I'll remain untouched in that department thank you  
[NoahsArk] Come on Tina T I will show you all kinds of a good time  
[Satan-na] stop being a sex pest Puckerman and piss off  
[NoahsArk] don't be jealous your still my favourite lesbian, ;)  
[Satan-na] ugh I'm never gonna sleep with you again  
[NoahsArk] pfft whatever babe  
[TroutyMouth] back off dude Santana and I have already decided if we are both single at 40 we gonna get married and have a sexless relationship.  
[Satan-na] So basically like Kurt and Blaine now  
[Bowtie] HEY!!!!!!!!  
[Troll] Hey Noah do you ever think about when we dated??  
[NoahsArk] sure thing my hot little Jewish American princess  
[Finnocence] Puck!!!!!!!!  
[NoahsArk] what she ain't your girl no more  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Finn are you giving up on us already?  
[Finnocence] Erm No Brittany I'm just trying to make sure Puck doesn't go after Rachel again  
[Troll] and does that bother you??  
[MsJones] excuse you Rachel Berry I believe Puck asked ME OUT on a date don't you be stealing my man  
[Satan-na] I've taught her so well!!  
[LadyHummel] Are you seriously fighting over Puck?  
[NoahsArk] Kurt thought you was my boy?  
[LadyFabray] I'm so over this conversation  
[ImMikeChang™] me too Quinn me too  
[Satan-na] Now let's hold on a damn minute and talk about how hot Mike Chang is, Tina congratulations to you girl  
[GirlChang] erm thank you, he's pretty cute right?  
[MsJones] he's got great Abs  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] His dance moves oooooooooooh yeah!!!! he's a good kisser too  
[Satan-na] WHHHHATTTTT!!!!!!!  
[TroutyMouth] babe calm down  
[Satan-na] don't call me babe or I'll ram one of your chapsticks down your throat  
[TroutyMouth] Fine but you are no longer allowed to borrow any  
[NoahsArk] Oh are NYC finest lesbian couple having an argument!???  
[TroutyMouth] I'm still a dude  
[Satan-na] Excuse me I'll takes your chapsticks and I'll put my lips on every single one and we all know that I'm a carrier for Mono!!!!  
[LadyFabray] kissing disease how lovely  
[Finnocence] Oh crap, isn't that how Santana caught me and Quinn out for cheating  
[TroutyMouth] Yeah thanks for the reminder  
[Troll] I'd love to talk about that  
[LadyHummel] does any of this matter now?  
[Bowtie] I sure missed a lot huh??  
[Finnocence] You cheated on me with Puck  
[LadyFabray] it's always you isn't it Puck?  
[NoahsArk] I FELT REALLY BAD, I've never actually had a girlfriend when I've been involved in cheating  
[Satan-na] What was I exactly??!!  
[NoahsArk] A lesbian sex buddy  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] you and Puck scissored?  
[MsJones] I think I'm getting a headache  
[Satan-na] Did I mean nothing to you??!!  
[NoahsArk] CHILL LOPEZ why you care?  
[Satan-na] because I will never be second best even if I don't care  
[Troll] You are so strange Santana  
[Satan-na] can it Berry, go make out with your WERIDLY HAIRLESS BOYFRIEND WHO looks like he belongs on CW SHOW  
[wheels] I've been cheated on it sucks  
[GirlChang] oh forgot the part where we asked you  
[NoahsArk] God I can't take all these chicks fighting over me  
[Satan-na] I'm going to pull on your nipple ring so hard that you'll pass out if you don't shut your mouth  
[TroutyMouth] Santana!!! calm down please, come on I'll give you one of my new chapsticks  
[Satan-na] the cinnanon one?  
[TroutyMouth] yes <3  
[Satan-na] sorry Everyone  
[MsJones] that's my girl  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Love you Tana <3  
[Satan-na] Brit Brit <3  
[Troll] has Santana just apologised for her behaviour or did I imagine it?  
[Satan-na] FUCK OFF MIDGET  
[Troll] I'm only 2 inches shorter than you  
[LadyHummel] Stop provoking her for Goodness sake  
[MsJones] so glad we are all getting along now  
[GirlChang] I still mildly hate Artie  
[TroutyMouth] I'm sure im in a mood with Blaine  
[Bowtie] what did I do?  
[TroutyMouth] you told me under no circumstances can I allow Santana to ransack your personal belongings  
[Bowtie] oh yeah and then you let her  
[Satan-na] I was bored  
[LadyHummel] then might I suggest get a girlfriend  
[Troll] she lit all my scented candles at once and let then all melt down and now I have none left  
[LadyFabray] that's pretty funny  
[Bowtie] you were supposed to stop her  
[TroutyMouth] I thought all the candles looked nice  
[LadyHummel] all the different smells gave me a migraine  
[Finnocence] scented candles sounds romantic, Using those for Mr Perfect Brody Rachel?  
[LadyFabray] and we're back to this  
[ImMikeChang™] I'm taking Tina out on a date now, no hate no drama, muting this GC whilst we are out byeeeeeeeeee  
[GirlChang] bye guys..... sort it out <3  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I love those two so much  
[Satan-na] When did you kiss Mike??!!  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I dated him like when we was 16, I think you was dating Matt and sleeping with Puck  
[Satan-na] Matt, the guy who wouldn't stop talking?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] yeah Mr Chatty  
[Finnocence] ah Matt I must check in on him see how he's doing  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I thought he came back  
[NoahsArk] Brit honey for the last time my brother Jake is not Matt  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Whatever, take me for ice-cream  
[NoahsArk] yeah of course come on, Finn you coming??  
[LadyHummel] he and Rachel are aggressively bickering on facetime  
[Satan-na] Come on trouts let's sit outside the partition and listen  
[Bowtie] oooooooh I'm coming  
[MsJones] this is so 4 years ago  
[Wheels] I'm bored can I come over and hang with you guys?  
[Bowtie] sure thing Artie  
[LadyHummel] I'll make us some dinner  
[Satan-na] I don't want your fancy ass soufflé  
[LadyFabray] oooh you used the accent on the e, so cultured Santana ;)  
[Satan-na] wanky ;)  
[LadyFabray] I love it when you talk dirty  
[MsJones] I miss when Quinn was a prude  
[Satan-na] lemme have this <3  
[MsJones] imma throw my weave into this hot mess and get outta here


	4. The one with the Halloween Preparation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Spooktember and Santana is getting excited for Halloween

[Satan-na] has changed [Satan-na] to [Spooktana]  
[Spooktana] had changed [Finnocence] to [Frankenteen]  
[Spooktana] has changed [LadyHummel] to [ShiningTwin1]  
[Spooktana] has changed [Bowtie] [ShiningTwin2]

[Troll] may I step in here? what on earth is going on?

[Brit-tanynotSpears] be prepared  
[Troll] For what exactly?  
[NoahsArk] it's happening  
[Troll] WHAT???!!!  
[TroutyMouth] it's Halloween  
[Troll] it's September!!  
[Spooktana] fine it's Spooktember  
[Troll] you literally just made that up  
[Spooktana] I don't like your tone

[Spooktana] has changed [NoahsArk] to [Puckzilla] 

[Puckzilla] Puckzilla.... awesome :)  
[Frankenteen] I don't like my name  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Guy's I don't like Halloween it's too spooky  
[Spooktana] but you can be something cutie <3  
[ShiningTwin2] that was actually adorable  
[ShiningTwin1] sounds like something Sam would say

[Spooktana] has changed [ImMikeChang™] to [MichaelChangMyers]  
[Spooktana] has changed [GirlChang] to [AsianGhostGirl] 

[MichaelChangMyers] My name is awesome  
[AsianGhostGirl] I don't know if I'm offended by my new name or if it's really cool  
[Wheels] What are we doing for Halloween??  
[LadyFabray] Oh God are Santana and Puck going to throw one of their Halloween parties again?  
[Puckzilla] You bet your ass we are!!! and I'm coming to NYC to show you how it's done  
[Troll] I don't remember this being ok  
[Spooktana] well nobody asked you  
[Puckzilla] look our parties used to be legendary  
[MsJones] ugh is it a costume party?  
[Spooktana] of course , can you make it?  
[MsJones] I don't really do Halloween but I support my girl so I'll make sure my schedule is cleared  
[LadyFabray] I must admit I used to love the parties you threw I'll come for the weekend  
[Troll] HELLO I MISSED THE PART WHERE YOU ASKED ME IF IT WAS OK  
[Spooktana] I think you need to calm the fuck down Berry, don't remember you asking me if it was ok that you could carry on annoying me after high school but here we are  
[Troll] you moved in with ME!!  
[TroutyMouth] what's the costume theme?  
[Spooktana] Iconic Glee Club moments  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Score!!!!! 

[Spooktana] has changed [LadyFabray] to [RosemarysBaby]  
[Spooktana] has changed [Wheels] to [NormanBatesMom]  
[Spooktana] has changed [MsJones] to [Candyman]  
[Candyman] I better not be named Candyman cos I'm black Santana  
[Spooktana] no because your sweet and deadly ;)  
[RosemarysBaby] what the hell is my name?  
[Spooktana] you had a baby, it was probably the spawn of the devil  
[Puckzilla] Rude!!!!!  
[NormanBatesMom] and I'm an old dead lady  
[AsianGhostGirl] be grateful for that 

[Spooktana] has changed [TroutyMouth] to [Jaws] 

[Jaws] do you literally have a never ending supply of fish nicknames?  
[Spooktana] you're a badass shark who kills people for fun what more could you want? 

[Spooktana] has changed [Troll] to [CousinIT] 

[CousinIT] Santana!!!!! that's horrible  
[Spooktana] what??? you have so much hair right now I can't tell you apart  
[AsianGhostGirl] #RachelsNewLook  
[CousinIT] TINA!!!!!!  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] do I get a new spooky name? 

[Spooktana] has changed [Brit-tanynotSpears] to [BrittanyScissorhands] 

[Jaws] WANKY!!!  
[Spooktana] oh you know it trouty ;) double wanky  
[ShiningTwin1] you two are very strange people  
[ShiningTwin2] I like em  
[ShiningTwin1] you would!!  
[Frankenteen] So I thought long and hard about my costume  
[Spooktana] I flat out refuse to believe you've ever thought long and hard about anything, except how to tie up your shoelaces  
[Frankenteen] I wanna my wear my Saturday night fever suit  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I'm going to be dressed as the iconic My Cup  
[NormanBatesMom] ^^^ are you literally dressing as a cup?  
[MichaelChangMyers] Brittany is iconic  
[Spooktana] keep it rolling people I want costumes  
[AsianGhostGirl] I'm going as Goth Tina  
[BrittanyScissorhands] that's so hot  
[CousinIT] I'm going to wear my beanie baby Lady Gaga costume  
[Spooktana] Oh ladies, gentlemen and Puck, Rachel Berry has a sense of humour  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm gonna go in my rocky horror costume  
[Spooktana] oh that does things to me ;)  
[Candyman] I'm gonna dust out my funky clothes that I wore when I Sang good vibrations with Puck and Finn  
[NormanBatesMom] Im gonna wear the blue pajamas and stick a small mattress to my wheelchair  
[Frankenteen] ARTIE YOU LEGEND!!!!  
[Puckzilla] I'm doing it for you and only you Santana but im bringing her back.... I'm bringing back LOLA!!!  
[Spooktana] welcome back Lola ;)  
[MichaelChangMyers] It's the Michael Jackson costume for me  
[ShiningTwin1] I'm wearing my Le Jazz Hot costume  
[ShiningTwin2] I'm wearing my costume that I wore in Diva  
[Jaws] I'm gonna wear my iconic gold shorts  
[Spooktana] This is all so perfect!! I'm bringing back my all black lace Lady Gaga costume  
[BrittanyScissorhands] damn  
[Frankenteen] oh you looked so good!!!!  
[CousinIT] FINN!!!!  
[Frankenteen] Well she did!!! also I'm not ur boyfriend I can say what I want  
[ShiningTwin1] WANT YOUR BAD ROMANCE!!!!!!!!!!  
[AsianGhostGirl] that moment was so iconic, we got to admit Santana is sexy right?  
[NormanBatesMom] from now on we will address Santana as Eagle one  
[Puckzilla] Been there <3  
[RosemarysBaby] Done that ;)  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Sorta currently doing that :0  
[CousinIT] it happened once in a dream :/  
[Jaws] If she had to pick a dude again <3  
[NormanBatesMom] Kurt can be Eagle two  
[ShiningTwin2] oh thank God  
[Frankenteen] Grilled Cheesus  
[Jaws] OMG Santana I've got some great ideas for Halloween decorations!!!  
[Spooktana] tiny Grilled Cheesus sandwiches!!?? frickin genius, Hanson brother  
[Frankenteen] FUCK YEAH!!!  
[CousinIT] Finn your language!!??  
[Puckzilla] he's had like 2 beers  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I LOVE HANSON MMMMBOP  
[Candyman] You Sam and Quinn lowkey look like you could be the Hanson brothers  
[RosemarysBaby] do I smell A new iconic trio?  
[Spooktana] I'm into it ;)  
[NormanBatesMom] Sam how did you end up dating 2 girls that look exactly like you?  
[ShiningTwin2] it's because Brittany is super hot!!!  
[ShiningTwin1] BLAINE?!!?  
[ShiningTwin2] what?? I can't have a girl crush?? Brittany is a sexy dancer it makes me feel things  
[ShiningTwin1] you disgust me  
[BrittanyScissorhands] excuse me I thought that I was you one and only favourite ever girlfriend  
[Puckzilla] YO what was up with that?? Macho Kurt I remember that  
[Frankenteen] PINK HOUSES  
[NormanBatesMom] Kurt trying to be all macho HILARIOUS  
[Puckzilla] hey It's good to be in touch with another side of yourself, I'm not afraid to get in touch with my feminine side  
[RosenarysBaby] just like I got in touch with my lady loving side ;)  
[MichaelChangMyers] But what about when Glee club taught us to get in touch with our funky side  
[Candyman] BECAUSE we are all minorities  
[Spooktana] Mr Shue is on crack  
[Frankenteen] Hey i luva mr shoes  
[CousinIT] erm how much has Finn had to drink?  
[Puckzilla] we are currently on 5 drink Finn  
[BrittanyScissorhands] bad speller Finn  
[Jaws] I got you bro  
[ShiningTwin1] I personally like 7 drink Finn  
[Spooktana] ah yes GOOD dancer Finn  
[MichaelChangMyers] my favourite is 4 drink Sam  
[Puckzilla] "2 bros chillin a hot tub, 5ft apart because they're not gay"  
[Jaws] Dude!!!  
[Spooktana] I love that vine - that's blatantly about him and Blaine  
[ShiningTwin2] We are just bros  
[Jaws] is that all I am to you?  
[Frankenteen] gaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy  
[Candyman] Finn that's not very mature  
[BrittanyScissorhands] 3 drink Mercedes is a breakdancer  
[Spooktana] 7 drink Rachel is tolerable  
[CousinIT] excuse you 2 drink Santana who cried because she couldn't believe how much she loved us all  
[Spooktana] you can't hold things against me like that  
[RosemarysBaby] Oh Santana but that's what you like to do to us the most  
[AsianGhostGirl] last time we all got drunk together 8 drink Puck asked me to play a game of spin the bottle just me and him  
[Puckzilla] DONT DO ME DIRTY LIKE THAT TINA  
[MichaelChangMyers] Dude not cool!!!  
[ShiningTwin1] Drunk Punk also likes Abba  
[Puckzilla] I hate you all!!!  
[Spooktana] Nah you don't let me share with you all a text Puck sent whilst drunk  
Hey Santanaaa  
miss you soooo much  
thanks for being my best girl  
that's a friend  
ur soo funni and like really pretty  
sometimes im super sad without yuo  
loveeee youu  
[Puckzilla] Oh come on....  
[CousinIT] I'm going to do the honour here  
here's a message drunk Santana sent to me instead of Sam

Fuck Rachel Berry  
Fuck Rachel Berry  
and her stupid pretty face  
she singsss like an angel  
and her hair is luxurious like a brown labrador  
I actually thinkk itsss super cute  
she's so small  
she has a nice smile :)  
shee is not all that horriblee  
rachel berry is my friend

[Spooktana] that wasn't me that was Snixx  
fuck you all Spooktember is cancelled


	5. The One where they are family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puck just thinks they are all gay

[CousinIT] Samuel, Santana I'm starting to get incredibly fatigued at all this Halloween nonsense in the loft  
[Jaws] Yo Rach I understood none of that  
[ShiningTwin1] BLAINE!!!  
[ShiningTwin2] what did I do?  
[ShiningTwin1] you are basically enabling those two pouty lipped twins  
[Jaws] Hey Kurt you leave my man Blaine outta this  
[ShiningTwin1] Last night I had to listen to all 3 of you and Tina composing Halloween music until at least 2am  
[AsianGhostGirl] me??  
[ShiningTwin1] YES YOU TINA COHEN-CHANG  
[Spooktana] I needed my girl Tina to help me write a Halloween special of Trouty Mouth  
[Jaws] We're working on a whole album about my mouth  
[Spooktana] Wanky ;)  
[ShiningTwin2] Tina, Sam and I are an awesome trio and now we have Santana now we are an iconic quartet  
[CousinIT] Maybe you could compose your terrible music elsewhere???  
[Candyman] pot calling the kettle Black Rachel  
[BrittanyScissorhands] that's so racist Mercedes  
[Frankenteen] My headband was not a good song Rachel  
[BrittanyScissorhands] That's so rude Finn it's my favourite song  
[MichaelChangMyers] Tina you told me you had a project to work late on last night!!!  
[AsianGhostGirl] I did just not a school project  
[RosemarysBaby] Maybe 5 of you in one apartment is too many?  
[Puckzilla] ONLY CHILD ONLY CHILD THE ONLY BERRY ON MY FAMILY TREE  
[CousinIT] could you not mock me please Noah  
[Puckzilla] I'm not I genuinely like that song, I always support you Rachel <3  
[CousinIT] Oh thank you Noah <3  
[Frankenteen] could we pack whatever this is in??  
[NormanBatesMom] Hey Brit you wanna write a Halloween song together? My Cup was awesome  
[BrittanyScissorhands] ok but first I have to tell you that My Cup isn't about a cup  
[NormanBatesMom] what??? :/  
[BrittanyScissorhands] it's about how good having sex with Santana is  
[NormanBatesMom] :0  
[Jaws] savage  
[Puckzilla] Can confirm  
[Frankenteen] im I allowed to confirm? this is kinda werid  
[Jaws] we never did it but I've thought about it in my dreams  
[RosemarysBaby] it's why I made a one time thing a two time thing  
[CousinIT] ONCE AGAIN the conversation has gone off on a tagent I was merely asking you to keep the noise down, I barely slept a wink last night because Tina kept making creepy little ghost noises and I'm pretty sure Sam was making the grudge noises outside my room.  
[Jaws] oh no Blaine had a hairball  
[ShiningTwin1] what? you know what I don't want to know  
[Spooktana] Oh please it's not my fault everyone wants to have sex with me and Blaine had a hairball because we put hair in his drink without him knowing  
[Jaws] BOOYA  
[CousinIT] Santana just be respectful, I need my full 8 hours sleep and vocal rest  
[ShiningTwin2] I'm sorry Rachel, we will hang out somewhere else tonight  
[MichaelChangMyers] again?? Tina it's date night  
[AsianGhostGirl] Babe I'm sorry, we're working on the melody for a song Sam is writing  
[NormanBatesMom] :/  
[Jaws] It's called Songs about Blaine  
[Spooktana] Blaine we love your bowtie  
[Jaws] we love it when you sing at the piano and cry  
[Spooktana] if you committed a crime we'd be your alibi  
[Jaws] I'd be really really sad if you were to die  
[Candyman] wow ok that's enough  
[BrittanyScissorhands] YAY that was so good  
[ShiningTwin2] I've never had anyone write a song about me before *cough* Kurt  
[ShiningTwin1] Don't be so dramatic Blaine  
[AsianGhostGirl] you don't deserve Blaine  
[Jaws] yo come on creepy Tina get back in your box  
[Spooktana] I'm dying, Creepy Tina??  
[ShiningTwin1] Everyrone of us is unhealthily obsessed with another member of this group for whatever reasons  
[NormanBatesMom] for example  
[Spooktana] Rachel is obsessed with Quinn  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I don't ship this, clearly Rachel is in love with me  
[Jaws] Finn is obsessed with hating Blaine  
[Puckzilla] LOL!!!! THE ACCURACY  
[MichaelChangMyers] Brittany is definitely obsessed with me  
[BrittanyScissorhands] you got it Mike Chang  
[AsianGhostGirl] Tina is obsessed with disliking Artie  
[NormanBatesMom] Tina you aren't supposed to nominate yourself :/  
[ShiningTwin2] oh I get this now like Kurt used to be obsessed with Finn before they become brothers  
[Jaws] oooooofffhhhh  
[CousinIT] ok want to play this game? Why is Santana so obsessed with Sam's lips?  
[Spooktana] Because have you seen them?  
[Puckzilla] welp Santana just dropped out of the top 3 gayest people in this groupchat list  
[RosemarysBaby] please don't tell me this a real list?  
[Puckzilla] of course it is, don't worry you're top 5 Q  
[ShiningTwin1] Finally something I can beat Rachel Berry at  
[Puckzilla] 

1.Kurt 90% gay, 10 points knocked off for dating Brit that one time and being yee haw Kurt  
2.Blaine 85% gay 15 points knocked off for Kissing Rachel and probably being into Brit and Tina if you weren't surgically attached to Kurt  
[ShiningTwin1] this is absolutely ridiculous Puck!!!  
[Spooktana] Oh he's not done  
3.Quinn 80% gay I see no evidence that Quinn is straight apart from all the boyfriends she's had and not been the least bit interested in, loses 20 points because she had my baby. Also she slept with Santana twice and was definitely into it  
[RosemarysBaby] That is absurd!!!!  
[Spooktana] you also did draw porno pictures of Rachel in the bathroom  
[Puckzilla]  
4.Santana 75% Gay, loses major points because she's still obsessed with Sam's lips, and thought I was hot dressed in drag.. clearly likes feminine men  
5\. Brittany 70% Into everything and anyone, not in a slutty way just doesn't even care. Obviously likes small, dark haired Latinas with anger issues  
[Candyman] oh boy he's not gonna stop is he??  
[Brittanyscissorhands] Bicorn rights  
[Puckzilla]  
6\. Sam 65% Probably is in love with Blaine, was also on the synchronised swim team  
[Jaws] bro....  
[Puckzilla]  
7\. Tina 60% gives of bi vibes, would be into someone like Quinn  
[AsianGhostGirl] whaaaat???? I mean I guess I dunno  
[RosemarysBaby] Tina and I?? I ship it  
[Frankenteen] Isn't this like super offensive?  
[Puckzilla]  
8\. at 55% gay we have ME, just go with it a hot dude is a hot dude  
9\. Artie, is 50% gay, Artie's got game,  
10\. Mike is 45% Gay, I dunno why but we all know he's kinda hot gets gay points  
11\. Rachel Berry 40% gay deffo into Quinn but loses sooo many points for being nauseatingly into Finn  
[CousinIT] excuse me???? Noah just stop it  
[Puckzilla]  
at 12. we have Finn he's like 25% gay, really not that gay but likes to tell everyone he's straight too often to not be at least a little bit gay, reckon he has a thing for Blaine  
[Frankenteen] What!!????? I do not  
[Puckzilla]  
and at 13. we have Ms Mercedes Jones, she's flawless but not in the littlest bit gay maybe like 5%  
[ShiningTwin1] that was so incredibly rude and offensive  
[Jaws] seemed pretty accurate to me  
[ShiningTwin2] just let the man live Kurt  
[Candyman] my brain feels like it just melted  
[CousinIT] I don't have a thing for Quinn at all she's just the prettiest girl I've ever seen  
[Spooktana] THAT'S GAY RACHEL  
[MichaelChangMyers] don't get so worked up about it, live and let live  
[BrittanyScissorhands] people are hot get over it, Rachel call me ;)  
[Spooktana] Brit stop hitting on Rachel  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Santana calm down, I'm just curious at what lies underneath her reindeer sweater  
[Puckzilla] Rachel Berry's boobs  
[CousinIT] thats very inappropriate  
[AsianGhostGirl] Brittany and Rachel now??? when will it be about me *Sigh*  
[ShiningTwin2] Hey Tina I love you <3  
[MichaelChangMyers] let's say something nice about someone we normally don't say nice things about  
[Frankenteen] I like Blaine's dancing  
[Puckzilla] dude.......  
[CousinIT] Tina is very talented  
[AsianGhostGirl] <3 Thanks Rachel, I don't really hate Artie  
[Spooktana] you'll just throw him out his wheelchair once in a while?  
[ShiningTwin1] Puck is actually a very good friend  
[ShiningTwin2] Finn is actually very funny  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Rachel is cute, I make fun of her because I have nothing else to do  
[Candyman] Wow it doesn't even sound like we like each other  
[Jaws] Family though????  
[Puckzilla] Rachel and Finn are the boring parents  
[Spooktana] Kurt is the gay uncle  
[Candyman] Brittany and Blaine are the cute but weird non identical twins who speak their own language  
[NormanBatesMom] aka the weird ones that that you are told to play with to make nice  
[RosemarysBaby] Tina, Artie, Mike and I are the smart ones who go to college  
[Jaws] harsh but fair  
[Satan-na] Mercedes is the cool aunt that slips us money ;) and is always down to party  
[ShiningTwin1] Puck and Santana are that uncle and aunty that fight and are drunk all the time and you aren't even sure how or if you are actually even related to them  
[ShiningTwin2] Sam is that dorky cousin that tries to entertain everyone at thanksgiving  
[Puckzilla] ah man I love you all <3  
[Jaws] family is like chocolate sweet with a couple of nuts <3  
[Spooktana] DORK!!!!  
[Jaws] I love you too Santana <3  
[Spooktana] K bye <3


	6. The one with the Pre Halloween Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puck can't wait til Halloween to party
> 
> Apologies if you haven't seen Brooklyn nine nine
> 
> *don't ever take this seriously it's full of crackships

[Puckzilla] So pre-Halloween party this weekend!!!  
[CousinIT] is that a question or a statement?  
[Puckzilla] Statement, Brit and Finn are already safely seatbelted up in the car  
[CousinIT] and where are you going?  
[Puckzilla] I thought you were smart?  
[CousinIT] Oh God your coming here?  
[Puckzilla] Halloween is over a month away and I miss you guys  
[CousinIT] I'm really going to give into you aren't I?  
[Puckzilla] you know it babe ;)  
[Spooktana] oh just checking in on this festivity, Puck my boy are you bringing goodies???  
[Puckzilla] you mean Brit, Tequila or weed?  
[Spooktana] all 3 of those sounds amazing <3  
[CousinIT] NO WEED SANTANA  
[Jaws] come on no puff the magic dragon?  
[CousinIT] Samuel!!!!  
[Spooktana] Q are you coming?  
[RosemarysBaby] Ugh  
[Jaws] is that a yes?  
[RosemarysBaby] Fine  
[ShiningTwin1] I won't have things getting out of contol!!!  
[ShiningTwin2] Kurt live a little  
[Jaws] trouble in paradise  
[Candyman] Sam stop stiring shit  
[Jaws] woah ok, u coming Mercedes?  
[Candyman] against my better judgement yes, I'm just home visiting my parents so a trip to NYC won't take me long, besides I could use a little party  
[Puckzilla] Other NY gang gang you coming?  
[AsianGhostGirl] And miss out on stripper Brittany?.... never  
[Jaws] RED SOLO CUP!!!!  
[Spooktana] Welcome To The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza Part II  
[Jaws] like the Godfather the sequel is better 

.............. The Morning After The Party.......... 

[CousinIT] Omg omg omg my head hurts so much and my vocal Chords feel damaged, something is moving in my bed, help  
[Spooktana] yo midget toooo loud, sleeping  
[CousinIT] Please Santana I'm scared and I need you  
[Spooktana] fuck off I'm spooning  
[Frankenteen] who?????????  
[Spooktana] I dunno someone with blonde hair  
[BrittanyScissorhands] well it isn't me, I'm in bed with Blaine  
[CousinIT] Will someone bring me tea with honey and lemon?  
[Frankenteen] OMG Rachel you are so needy  
[ShiningTwin2] Brittany where are all your clothes?  
[MichaelChangMyers] I'm wearing them  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Blaine I'm right next to you don't text me it's rude  
[Candyman] Kurt is on the couch with me, sleeping like an Angel,  
[AsianGhostGirl] I fell asleep with Puck in the bathtub  
[CousinIT] omg my comforter is moving again who is it?  
[MichaelChangMyers] Rach it's me sorry was looking for something  
[CousinIT] Oh thank God  
[NormanBatesMom] Man my head hurts who's making breakfast??  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm up and dressed I will  
[Spooktana] wait Q I thought you were in bed with me?  
[Jaws] SANTANA STOP TAPPING SO LOUD ON YOUR PHONE!!!  
[Frankenteen] LOL Sam made Santana angry  
[BrittanyScissorhands] are you two actually spooning?  
[Spooktana] Oh gross, Puck, Tina get out the bathtub I gots to wash trouty germs off me  
[AsianGhostGirl] Puck is totally greened out, I can't get his head off my legs and I kind of have to pee  
[Jaws] I totally have to pee  
[AsianGhostGirl] you can't whilst I'm in here  
[Jaws] I don't care if you see my junk Tina we totally made out once  
[ShiningTwin2] MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!  
[ShiningTwin1] oh Lord have mercy, I can smell vomit  
[NormanBatesMom] yo my bad, Finn kept spinning me in my wheelchair  
[Jaws] VOMIIIIITT CONFETTI  
[RosemarysBaby] you are disgusting, are you still drunk?  
[Spooktana] possibly, Sam why is there cigars in my bed?  
[Jaws] woah ok you called me Sam you must be mad at me, the cigars were you and Puck  
[AsianGhostGirl] You forced Rachel to smoke one so she could sound like Amy Winehouse for the night  
[CousinIT] oh that's why my throat is so sore. oh my God I'm going to lose my voice  
[Candyman] for the love of Christ our lord I hope so  
[BrittanyScissorhands] ooooh savage Mercedes savage  
[RosemarysBaby] The twister mat is covered in Blaine's hair gel  
[Puckzilla] THAT'S WHY IM IN PAIN ANGRY DRUNK QUINN PUSHED ME OVER WHEN SHE LOST  
[Frankenteen] Morning dude,  
[Puckzilla] where are you?  
[Frankenteen] on the floor in Rachel's room, pretty sure Mike's been stroking my hair for the past half hour?  
[MichaelChangMyers] I thought it was a dog  
[CousinIT] we don't have a dog  
[MichaelChangMyers] sorry bro, totally still hallucinating  
[Candyman] did you all do a bunch of weed last night?  
[CousinIT] I certainly did not  
[ShiningTwin1] Blaine and Brittany both did and became paranoid lunatics  
[BrittanyScissorhands] that's slanderous Kurt Hummel  
[ShiningTwin1] You shouted at a cat in the street and accused it of being Lord Tubbington  
[RosemarysBaby] Blaine thought that Santana was part of the Mexican mafia and was trying to phone the police  
[Spooktana] I can't confirm or deny that  
[ShiningTwin1] BLAINE MADE OUT WITH TINA!!!!  
[ShiningTwin2] YOU MADE OUT WITH RACHEL  
[ShiningTwin1] I DID WHAT???!!!  
[CousinIT] Why???  
[Jaws] Blaine you made out with Tina but not me???  
[Spooktana] gaaaayyyyyyyy  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I'm pretty sure a part of my body reached every dot on the twister mat ;)  
[Candyman] what does she even mean??? :/  
[MichaelChangMyers] Hey Mercedes remember smacking lips with me????  
[Candyman] oh hell to the no I did not... did I?  
[AsianGhostGirl] you totally did, it's cool I totally made out with Puck as well last night  
[Puckzilla] yeah she did ;)  
[Jaws] hey :(  
[Spooktana] Puckerman Sam's sulking because you've clearly forgotten you and he made out in my bed last night  
[Frankenteen] WOW  
[Puckzilla] Oh boo I'll never forget ;)  
[Spooktana] wanky  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Santana can I borrow some clothes?  
[Spooktana] of course babe, if Mike is wearing your clothes where are his?  
[RosemarysBaby] The lamp is wearing is Mikes clothes  
[CousinIT] who's been in my closet?  
[Spooktana] probably Quinn  
[RosemarysBaby] funny ;)  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Oh I took your hideous green dress that you wore at your last house party  
[Spooktana] Trouty was wearing it  
[Jaws] I make such a pretty girl *fingerguns*  
[Spooktana] My face hurts  
[Puckzilla] why did you smile?  
[Spooktana] fuck off Puckerman  
[Puckzilla] <3  
[ShiningTwin1] you and Quinn spent 10 minutes slapping one another  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm sure she deserved it  
[Frankenteen] It was really something  
[BrittanyScissorhands] STOP THE VIOLENCE  
[AsianGhostGirl] they made out for 15 minutes afterwards  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Damn I never got to play my own game of twister with Santana last night :(  
[ShiningTwin1] far too much information  
[Spooktana] you wanna come for a morning cuddle? I'll kick trouty out  
[RosemarysBaby] Enough, breakfast is nearly ready  
[Spooktana] ooh did somebody wake up alone?  
[RosemarysBaby] I woke up next to Rachel actually, Mike was on the other side of Rachel and Finn was on the floor.  
[ShiningTwin2] cosy  
[BrittanyScissorhands] don't deny our love Blaine Warbler  
[ShiningTwin2] my name isn't actually Blaine Warbler you know  
[CousinIT] What??? it's not  
[Jaws] shooketh :/  
[Candyman] Tina, Puck will you two get out the bathroom now, Girls gotta pee here  
[Puckzilla] Mercedes Jones stop ruining my cuddle vibe with T  
[MichaelChangMyers] Tina don't leave me for his bad boy ways  
[NormanBatesMom] Can someone wheel me out the corner of Kurt and Blaine's room? I think I'm stuck and the sight of Blaine without hair gel is hella scary  
[Jaws] Puck I have a cigar stuck to my butt cheek  
[Spooktana] how many times do I have to tell you, to put pants on in bed  
[Jaws] I'm right here you could of just said that  
[CousinIT] Why is Samuel naked?  
[Frankenteen] Finn paid me $50 to take my clothes off  
[Jaws] NOICEEEEEEEE  
[NormanBatesMom] why are you proud of that?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Sammy boy makin it rainnnnnnn  
[Jaws] cool cool cool cool cool cool  
[ShiningTwin1] are you a pigeon?  
[Puckzilla] of course Kurt has never seen Brooklyn nine nine  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm rolling my eyes  
[Spooktana] Sam is basically Jake Peralta  
[Puckzilla] Santana IS Rosa Diaz  
[Jaws] Rachel is totally Amy Santiago, ew no that means I'm into her gross  
[CousinIT] Thanks Sam :/  
[Spooktana] Blaine is totally a Boyle  
[Jaws] LOL YES BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE with me  
[Puckzilla] Brittany is Gina 100%  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Mic drop  
[Candyman] I'm captain Holt because I'm tired of all y'alls shit!!!!!!!!  
[Spooktana] Puckerman and Finn are totally Hitchcock and Scully  
[Jaws] we need a Terry  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Mike because he's super hot and kind to everyone  
[Puckzilla] Quinn is Doug Judy because she appears, is everyones friend, does criminally insane stuff then disappears again :)  
[AsianGhostGirl] I'm quite happy not to be cast thankyou  
[NormanBatesMom] Same!!!!  
[Spooktana] wait Tina don't you wanna be my Pimento? you can get pretty angry sometimes ;)  
[Jaws] that's homsosexual ;)  
[ShiningTwin1] Right and who's job is it to help clean up?  
[Spooktana] I am so sick...........  
[Jaws] she won't stop crying


	7. The one with the Zoom Glee club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel just wanted a nice time with lots of songs

[CousinIT] I know you are all terribly excited about Halloween but I'd like to propose something  
[RosemarysBaby] Please don't actually propose  
[Candyman] Also I ain't vibing with Halloween that's Santana, Puck and Sam's crap  
[MichaelChangMyers] Tina is also super into Halloween *Rollseyes  
[ShiningTwin1] Blaine is also 'vibing' with it  
[Spooktana] anyway tan in a can what did you want to propose? you finally coming out the closet  
[Frankenteen] Why is Rachel in the closet?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] 7 minutes in heaven  
[Spooktana] wanky ;)  
[CousinIT] I totally miss hearing all your singing voices :(  
[ShiningTwin2] but you live with me??  
[CousinIT] Yes but I miss everybody you know  
[NormanBatesMom] so what's the big idea??  
[CousinIT] A Zoom Glee club  
[Spooktana] FML  
[Puckzilla] I'm game  
[Spooktana] ^^^^ *gay  
[Jaws] Can I be Mr Shue??  
[Spooktana] that is a real turn off  
[ShiningTwin2] Sam in a sexy sweater vest!!!  
[Spooktana] Oh Please don't tell me you haven't thought about Sam in a sweatervest  
[ShiningTwin1] Santana don't even get involved  
[Jaws] It's not my fault I'm hot  
[AsianGhostGirl] you and Santana are literally becoming one person :/  
[CousinIT] actually I will step in as the role of teacher so to speak  
[Spooktana] RIGHT THAT'S IT... NO ME GUSTA... I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS.. I'M ABOUT TO GO ALL LIMA HEIGHTS ON HER ASS  
[Jaws] how do I hold Santana back over cellphone?? it's usually my job to hold her back... help :/  
[RosemarysBaby] Just let her go  
[CousinIT] Quinn????? :/  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Rachel Are you going to boss us around now whilst we all pretend to listen?  
[Spooktana] Brit <3 LOL  
[Puckzilla] if it's fucking broadway numbers Berry I'm out  
[CousinIT] well I thought I'd put everyone into groups   
[Spooktana] do not put me in the handicapable group   
[NormanBatesMom] That's so offensive   
[AsianGhostGirl] so is your attitude towards women but hey  
[CousinIT] well actually I suppose we will have to group up as per our living arrangements   
[Candyman] Omg so I finally get a solo  
[RosemarysBaby] At last, me too pretty sure I didn't get one for over a year   
[Jaws] well we're a group of five that's too many voices and I don't wanna sing a showtune so SHOTGUN SANTANA   
[Spooktana] okay but I'm not singing Bieber   
[Puckzilla] Finn dude we gotta ask Brit real nice so she sings something good with us  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I'm right here silly  
[Puckzilla] oh yeah group chat duh,  
[Frankenteen] BRIT, PUCK... GOT THE PERFECT SONG  
[Puckzilla] dude what???  
[Frankenteen] Walk this way by Aerosmith and Run DMC  
[BrittanyScissorhands] WINNERS.. YOU ALL SUCK.. I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU NOW  
[NormanBatesMom] okay Tina, Mike what shall we sing?  
[AsianGhostGirl] I have no idea  
[MichaelChangMyers] Well that's helpful  
[NormanBatesMom] What about where is the love by Black eyed peas?  
[AsianGhostGirl] ok that's not terrible :)  
[MichaelChangMyers] LIT MOTHER FUCKERS  
[Candyman] Michael Robert Chang!!!!  
[MichaelChangMyers] sorry boo <3  
[AsianGhostGirl] Boo?????  
[Candyman] ours is a forbidden love  
[CousinIT] So we've got our song  
[Puckzilla] dear Jewish God I hope it's not defying gravity again  
[Shining1] ladies and gentlemen  
[Shining2] rewrite the stars  
[CousinIT] from the greatest showman, making this lovely duet an epic threesome  
[Puckzilla] I'm trying real hard.....  
[Jaws] same dude same......  
[Spooktana] Fuck it, that is the wankiest thing I've ever heard  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I demand Blaine wears a top hat  
[Shining2] Just a top hat?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] that's up to you but if you don't I can't promise something bad won't happen  
[Shining1] Brittany please don't hit on my boyfriend  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I just really wanna see his warblers  
[Candyman] okkkkkkkkkkkkk anyway I'm singing Sorry not sorry by Demi Lovato  
[Spooktana] I dated someone that looked like her once  
[Shining1] what happened to her?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] she broke up with her for me  
[NormanBatesMom] but now you two are broken up again  
[MichaelChangMyers] I mean at the end of the day there's going to come a time where we've all dated one another  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm not dating Rachel  
[Frankenteen] Nobody asked you too  
[CousinIT] whatever, Quinn what are you singing?  
[RosemarysBaby] Dreams by the cranberries  
[Spooktana] your singing voice is literally like sex  
[NormanBatesMom] I'm very uncomfortable with the energy we've created in this room  
[Shining2] Stop!!! I almost dropped my crossaint  
[Shining1] stop quoting vines!!!!  
[AsianGhostGirl] Samtana what are you two singing?  
[CousinIT] God Samuel looks really smug with himself right now  
[ShiningTwin2] ugh Santana just whispered something in his ear and he looks even more smug  
[Puckzilla] Dude you SOUND jealous???  
[ShiningTwin2] WELL I'M NOT  
[Puckzilla] Chill.... I mean I get it Sam's handsome  
[Jaws] ARE YOU READY?????  
[Candyman] the over abuse of caps lock on here is obscene  
[Jaws] I SAID ARE YOU READY???  
[Spooktana] FOR THE LOVE of Satan Sam  
[Jaws] Pour some sugar on me!!!!   
[Puckzilla] Def Leppard???!!! DAMN  
[AsianGhostGirl] oh that's a sexy song  
[BrittanyScissorhands] what I'm asking is if you are both going to strip???   
[MichaelChangMyers] erm...... Brit  
[NormanBatesMom] Mike we all know you're a stripper girl drunk  
[RosemarysBaby] why will they be stripping?   
[BrittanyScissorhands] it's a total stripper song  
[CousinIT] this is Glee club not a stripper club  
[Candyman] What like it wasn't crunk club???   
[CousinIT] many apologies for that Mercedes, even though it was an awfully long time ago  
[NormanBatesMom] Santana's a lesbian   
[BrittanyScissorhands] I thought she was a American   
[ShiningTwin1] I won't have Sam flouncing around the loft with his shirt off, pretending he's practicing his Zoom glee club number   
[RosemarysBaby] Kurt it kind of sounds like you do want that  
[ShiningTwin1] why don't you deal with your own morality Quinn?   
[Spooktana] excuse you Lady Hummel do not be so rude to my girl Quinn  
[ShiningTwin1] oh everyone's your girl Quinn or my girl Mercedes or my boy Sam or Puck, it's never me!!!!!   
[Spooktana] wow ok you kinda sound like Tina right now  
[RosemarysBaby] or Rachel... you kind of sound self absorbed and like a brat  
[CousinIT] why are we calling me out?   
[Candyman] has anybody here ever been personally victimised by Rachel Berry?   
[Frankenteen] she cheated on me with Puck  
[AsianGhostGirl] is this a rhetorical question? because I have one thing and one thing to say   
WHO WROTE THIS TINA???????   
[ShiningTwin2] literally the most passive aggressive thing ever  
[NormanBatesMom] Oh Blaine and Tina the duo nobody asked for  
[Spooktana] ^^^ who pissed on your wheels?   
[Jaws] I am deceased   
[Puckzilla] I like an unusual duo   
[Candyman] I swear if someone says me and tots I'll lose it  
[Puckzilla] Nah I'm thinking more like me and Kurt, how bout that?   
[Jaws] cash me ousside howbow dat   
[ShiningTwin2] Omg why is that girl literally Santana?   
[Spooktana] Screw you   
[Jaws] who?   
[Spooktana] Blaine  
[ShiningTwin2] Jeez ok   
[Frankenteen] let's not start an argument   
[Spooktana] No let's   
[MichaelChangMyers] and this is when Blaine knew.... he fucked up   
[AsianGhostGirl] Mike?????   
[MichaelChangMyers] Sorry I've been hanging out with Sam  
[Spooktana] erm why didn't I know about this?   
[Puckzilla] and possessive Santana is back in the room  
[Spooktana] Trouty is my friend   
[ShiningTwin2] he's my friend too   
[Spooktana] I'm his super hot best friend   
[ShiningTwin2] I'm his best bro friend   
[RosemarysBaby] this is tiresome   
[CousinIT] Yes yes we get it Sam is everybody's friend, now back to Zoom Glee club  
[AsianGhostGirl] OMG PLEASE   
[Jaws] oh damn Tina snapped and btw Blaine and Santana you are both my favourites <3   
[Spooktana] ok but I'm actually your favourite considering I actually dated you and wrote a heterosexual love song for you, Blaine only wishes he could date you and I don't believe he wrote a song for you   
[Candyman] how long is this going to go on for?   
[Puckzilla] Santana is like a dog, as far as she's concerned she's peed on Sam and he's her territory now  
[NormanBatesMom] I don't know how wise it is to compare Santana to a dog  
[BrittanyScissorhands] She's pretty possessive but it's hot  
[Puckzilla] I mean I won't lie I totally liked it when she used to fight with other girls over me  
[CousinIT] I just wanted to sing songs  
[Frankenteen] sometimes it's not about you  
[Puckzilla] Yo Brit, Finny are you practicing without me?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] we are saving the planet and sharing a bath  
[Frankenteen] I don't know how I agreed to this  
[Candyman] I don't mean to be rude but does Finn ever understand anything?  
[RosemarysBaby] don't count on it, he wanted to name my baby drizzle  
[Frankenteen] It's a good name  
[CousinIT] You know what Glee club is over for today.... songs due tomorrow  
[Puckzilla] who peed in her vegan milk cereal????  
[Spooktana] BOOYA


	8. The One where they are left alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel, Blaine and Kurt are heading off to a Nyada seminar
> 
> Tina is left in charge of Sam and Santana 
> 
> it's obviously a disaster

[CousinIT] Right Samuel, Santana I have left instructions on paper in the kitchen for you Both  
[Jaws] where are you going and why do we need instructions?  
[ShiningTwin1] How many times have we told him? honestly I'm throwing the towel in  
[ShiningTwin2] Sam-Rachel, Kurt and I are going to that Nyada networking seminar in Los Angeles  
[Jaws] oh yeah...  
[Spooktana] wtf do we need instructions for?  
[CousinIT] because the thought of leaving you two alone in the loft fills us with absolute dread  
[Jaws] Oh  
[Spooktana] This list of instructions is a joke...  
-no weed  
-no parties  
-under no circumstances are we to go through your belongings  
-no unattended flames  
-no orgies  
[Puckzilla] those are literally all of Santana's favourite things  
[Jaws] my list just says Sam and then No  
[ShiningTwin1] that means you don't touch anything or well basically just don't fuck up  
[ShiningTwin2] Tina is in charge  
[Spooktana] she doesn't even live here  
[CousinIT] she's coming by once a day to make sure everything is ok  
[Spooktana] Oh so Sam and I set the toaster on fire once and we have to be babysat by girl Chang?  
[AsianGhostGirl] please don't call me that  
[ShiningTwin1] The fire department had to be called  
[Spooktana] I was just trying to make dinosaur toast for Sam  
[CousinIT] well you aren't supposed to put the jelly on before you toast it  
[Spooktana] what like that's my fault?  
[Jaws] never did get my dinosaur toast  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I love dinosaur toast  
[ShiningTwin1] I swear to God you are all infants  
[Candyman] you sure call upon the Lord a lot for an atheist Kurt  
[ShiningTwin1] living with those two is testing me  
[Spooktana] I hope you choke on one of your ugly neck ties  
[Jaws] Blaine said he's not into that  
[RosemarysBaby] well that's not at all awkward  
[Spooktana] For the record Quinn is totally a hair puller  
[Frankenteen] Are you two fighting again?  
[Jaws] I'm not sure that's what.. you know what never mind Finn  
[BrittanyScissorhands] don't worry Finn people never explain stuff to me either  
[NormanBatesMom] you two live in a special kind of place  
[Puckzilla] Artie dude, you been smoking?  
[NormanBatesMom] no I'm not allowed in the apartment, Tina said so  
[AsianGhostGirl] We have too many neighbours  
[MichaelChangMyers] it's why we smoke it at Rachel's  
[CousinIT] honestly It's a bad habit!!!!  
[Frankenteen] Are you 3 going to visit us whilst you are in LA?  
[ShiningTwin1] Of course, we can arrange something  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I wanna show you the Hollywood sign  
[Puckzilla] Brit you know I'm not allowed near it  
[Spooktana] why?  
[Frankenteen] he peed on it whilst drunk  
[CousinIT] how did you even get up there?  
[RosemarysBaby] because the 3 of them have no filter for danger or sensible decision making  
[ShiningTwin1] neither does Sam hence why he's not allowed to do anything unattended  
[Candyman] so you leave him with Santana????  
[NormanBatesMom] she's like OG Queen of causing trouble  
[Spooktana] Thanks Artie <3  
[ShiningTwin2] they told me they've got a quiet few days planned  
[AsianGhostGirl] well I'll be able to report back to you on that  
[BrittanyScissorhands] doesn't sound like the sexy people I know  
[Jaws] did you call me sexy?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] everyone's sexy... even Finn  
[CousinIT] I thought you and Finn were 'dating'?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] honestly I think I might also be dating half of the campus coffee shop, I keep forgetting to break up with people.  
[Jaws] honestly we do not have any grand plans  
[RosemarysBaby] which absolutely means you do  
[Spooktana] WHY can't you keep your guppy hole shut?  
[Jaws] ugh the pressure  
[CousinIT] what are you two up too?  
[Puckzilla] who cares, bring me some NY bagels princess, Jewish boy needs his real bagels  
[Candyman] I'm sad I won't be in LA to catch up with you guys :(  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I just got a text from Sugar she says she's going to be in LA this weekend  
[Puckzilla] damn I forgot about that sweet mama  
[Spooktana] wow  
[NormanBatesMom] eyes off Puck, that was my girl  
[BrittanyScissorhands] you can both back off because I'm pretty sure I'll be making out with Sugar this weekend  
[Spooktana] what?!?!?!?!?!?  
[Frankenteen] Yeah what???!!!!  
[BrittanyScissorhands] well you and Rachel will spend the whole time arguing but mooning over each other. Kurt's Gay and won't make out with me again, Blaines not allowed to make out with me, and I don't wanna go near Puck. besides Rachel's only gay for Quinn but I could probably change her mind  
[Candyman] I wish I was blind sometimes  
[RosemarysBaby] Lord give me strength  
[NormanBatesMom] so I installed a door bell camera and a burglar alarm system for you Rachel  
[CousinIT] Thankyou Artie <3  
[Spooktana] *mooneyes "oh thankyou Artie" *fakedoeeyes  
[Jaws] Santana you wanna dress up as different people and ring the door bell for fun?  
[Spooktana] you mean do we dress as our alter egos Evan Evans and Auntie Snixx?  
[Jaws] they even have a back story  
[Candyman] Dear Lord,  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Oooooh the back story  
[Frankenteen] who are these people?  
[RosemarysBaby] Oh Finn no...  
[Jaws] Evan Evans is a sweater wearing genius with glasses, he drinks sweet tea and reads the morning paper  
[Spooktana] Auntie Snixx is a like a venomous snake, spraying her venom to all her victims to bring them down  
[ShiningTwin1] does anybody feel disturbed?  
[Puckzilla] I don't know, they both sound kind of hot  
[Spooktana] Snixx would eat you as a snack Puckerman  
[Jaws] Evan Evans might be a charming serial killer  
[ShiningTwin2] I did tell him not to watch that Ted Bundy Film  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I might be Ted Bundys illegitimate granddaughter  
[Candyman] you all are going to send me to an early grave  
[ShiningTwin1] I think I've already had a stroke  
[Spooktana] Snixx and Evan might be a serial killer duo, their theme song would be something by The Smith's  
[CousinIT] This is why we can't leave them alone.....  
[AsianGhostGirl] don't worry I've got it under control  
[ShiningTwin2] have you Tina???  
[CousinIT] HAVE YOU TINA?????  
[Frankenteen] hey stop shouting at Tina  
[AsianGhostGirl] Thanks Finn <3  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I ship this  
[MichaelChangMyers] I don't!!!!  
[ShiningTwin1] TINA!!!!!!!!!!!!  
[AsianGhostGirl] why is everyone shouting at me  
[ShiningTwin1] nothing makes me happier than shouting Tina  
[Spooktana] LEAVE TINA ALONE  
[Puckzilla] I'm completely lost at what's going on now tbh  
[RosemarysBaby] I have such high hopes for our child :/  
[Puckzilla] she's being raised by Shelby she's going to be belting out songs from Funny girl  
[Spooktana] my favourite music is the John Carpenter score from Halloween  
[Jaws] last week we remixed it with a Lana del Rey song  
[RosemarysBaby] what an aesthetic  
[ShiningTwin2] does anybody feel like Sam and Santana are basically Andy and April from Parks and rec?  
[Jaws] DON'T BE SUSPICIOUS DON'T BE SUSPICIOUS  
[Puckzilla] oh totally, Santana only ever smiles at Brittany and Sam and Quinn when she's horny  
[CousinIT] I don't think Santana has ever smiled at me  
[Frankenteen] I thought she had smiled at me once but Brittany was behind me  
[Puckzilla] she smiles at me when I bake her brownies  
[NormanBatesMom] high Santana is my favourite, she's so nice to me  
[AsianGhostGirl] only because she uses you to wheel herself around so she doesn't have to walk  
[Candyman] respect that, that's some Mariah Carey level diva  
[Spooktana] Mariah Carey SLAY!!!!  
[CousinIT] I can't believe Nyada won't fly us to LA, the train is so icky  
[RosemarysBaby] Rachel Berry thinks that public transport is for peasants  
[CousinIT] don't attack me I just think it would be a lot quicker and Trains are not the elite way to travel, my dads would of sprung for first class seats  
[RosemarysBaby] I kind of want to punch you right now  
[AsianGhostGirl] Quinn nobody would judge you if you did  
[Spooktana] or a good slap, nothing is hotter than being slapped in the face by the sultry voiced, 50's housewife dressed Quinn Fabray  
[RosemarysBaby] Oh I know how a little slap gets you all fired up sweetie ;)  
[Jaws] OH MY GOD IT'S HAPPENING  
[Puckzilla] Quinntana for the win  
[CousinIT] why are you so into this?  
[Frankenteen] please who isn't?  
[CousinIT] OMG FINN!!!!!

...... 3 DAYS INTO THE NYADA TRIP.......

[CousinIT] I just got an email asking me to pick a gift from the registry at Bloomingdales :/  
[AsianGhostGirl] about that...  
[ShiningTwin1] TINA!!!!!!! WHAT HAPPENED  
[Candyman] oh hell why are we shouting?  
[ShiningTwin2] I mean I thought they were joking...  
[RosemarysBaby] what's going on?  
[Jaws] me and Santana got married so we could register for gifts.. now we've got some cool new stuff  
[Puckzilla] dude that's awesome  
[RosemarysBaby] is this real?  
[Spooktana] hell yeah best idea ever  
[CousinIT] this list of gifts is ridiculous, what do you need a cotton candy machine for?  
[Jaws] well why not?  
[ShiningTwin1] I did like your choice in crystal champagne glasses though I got those for you  
[ShiningTwin2] Kurt!!! this is a sham!!!! I didn't even get to be best man  
[BrittanyScissorhands] genius guys genius, Santana is so smart and hot, besides everyone knows your first marriage isnt real  
[Spooktana] <3 cotton candy for you boo  
[RosemarysBaby] I mean it's absolute sacrilege :/  
[CousinIT] TINA... how did you allow this to happen?  
[AsianGhostGirl] I mean they have loads of cool stuff now, plus city Hall is kinda nice  
[NormanBatesMom] I mean it's fraud but cool fraud  
[MichaelChangMyers] I was best man, Tina was a bridesmaid and Artie sang the bridal march  
[Spooktana] we are going to change our names tomorrow  
[Jaws] Mr and Mrs Trouty Mouth  
[Spooktana] wanky ;)  
[CousinIT] honestly this is all Tina's fault  
[AsianGhostGirl] don't blame me it was Snixx ;)  
[Jaws] and Evan Evans ;)  
[Puckzilla] OH CALM DOWN LET'S ALL RAISE A TOAST TO OUR FAVOURITE Lesbian and her Bieber lookalike husband  
[Spooktana] salud!!!!!!!!  
[Jaws] MAZEL TOV for our Jewish friends  
[BrittanyScissorhands] cele... brate good times come on do do do do do do do


	9. The One with the musty old sorting hat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like Harry Potter? Like Glee  
> here you go

[ShiningTwin1] Blaine, Santana, Sam what is all the noise?  
[CousinIT] oh you hear that too? I'm too scared to go out there and check  
[RosemarysBaby] seriously please start your own apartment group chat  
[Puckzilla] nah I like hearing the shit they get up too... Tea is spilt  
[ShiningTwin1] So glad you finally learnt something from me Puck  
[AsianGhostGirl] I think I have an idea of what they are doing  
[BrittanyScissorhands] ewwwww  
[AsianGhostGirl] no Brittany not that  
[ShiningTwin2] Sorry Kurt we will keep the noise down  
[RosemarysBaby] well come on what are you 3 even doing?  
[Jaws] Blaine got a sorting hat gadget , we've been trying it out  
[NormanBatesMom] seriously? wtf :/  
[MichaelChangMyers] Harry Potter? I can't even.......  
[Jaws] [has sent a voice note]  
HUFFLEPUFF  
[Candyman] Sam that was too Loud!!!!!  
[AsianGhostGirl] Sam is the very definition of Hufflepuff though  
[ShiningTwin2] [has sent a voice note]  
HUFFLEPUFF  
[CousinIT] I can hear you shouting in the apartment please stop sending it to the group chat.  
[AsianGhostGirl] Blaines a Hufflepuff??? really?? hmmmmm maybe with a side order of Ravenclaw  
[Jaws] lol it's Santana's turn now  
[Spooktana] if you put that musty old bug infested looking hat on my expensive freshly weaved hair I will ends you  
[BrittanyScissorhands] come on I wanna know <3  
[ShiningTwin2] oooooh that hat says it's a hatstall...  
[Candyman] what is this lingo??? a hatstall? what y'all on ?  
[RosemarysBaby] It means the hat can't decide because she's almost an even mixture belonging to 2 or more houses  
[CousinIT] Quinn?? I had no idea you liked Harry Potter  
[Spooktana] Seriously this hat is covered in Blaines hairgel, make it hurry up  
[RosemarysBaby] of course I like Harry Potter Rachel, I'm a Slytherin and I'm not even ashamed  
[Jaws] The hat has decided....after much discussion about whether Santana is a Slytherin or Gryffindor....  
[Spooktana] [has sent a voice note)]  
GRYFFINDOR  
[ShiningTwin1] your braveness and loyalty won out over your ruthless side then???  
[Spooktana] obviously and red is my colour anyway  
[CousinIT] well now I want to know  
[Jaws] oh Rachel you don't need the hat you are a cold hard Slytherin  
[CousinIT] :0  
[Frankenteen] what the hell you even talking about?  
[Puckzilla] Harry Potter dude!!!!!! do me???? Blaine you are the expert, what house am I in?  
[ShiningTwin2] like Santana you lie between Slytherin and Gryffindor but ultimately you lie in Gryffindor  
[Puckzilla] [has sent a voice note]  
GRYFFINDOR  
[Candyman] lol Puck, I had no idea you were such a Harry Potter geek?  
[Puckzilla] hidden depths baby ;)  
[BrittanyScissorhands] do me do me do me do me  
[Spooktana] wanky ;)  
[ShiningTwin2] Brit everyone assumes you are a Hufflepuff but you've got hidden depths sooooo  
[BrittanyScissorhands] [has sent a voice note]  
RAVENCLAW  
[AsianGhostGirl] my turn, I think I'm a Ravenclaw maybe with a hint of Slytherin  
[ShiningTwin2] yeah you are definitely a Ravenclaw Tina  
[AsianGhostGirl] [has sent a voice note] RAVENCLAW  
[RosemarysBaby] I feel extremely sad I didn't get to shout mine out  
[Has sent a voice note]  
SLYTHERIN  
[CousinIT] oh me too, I'm going to do mine  
[has sent a voice note]  
SLYTHERIN  
[Spooktana] Rachel nobody else sang theirs why do you have to do that?  
[Jaws] Mercedes, Mike, Artie and Finn you need your goes  
[Candyman] Oh hell I already know, I got this  
[has sent a voice note]  
GRYFFINDOR  
[Spooktana] it's the place to be babygirl  
[RosemarysBaby] For God's sake im stuck with Rachel :/  
[NormanBatesMom] come on then do me  
[Jaws] dude :/???  
[NormanBatesMom] not what I meant but ok  
[ShiningTwin2] Artie you are a textbook  
Ravenclaw  
[NormanBatesMom] [has sent a voice note]  
RAVENCLAW  
[Frankenteen] come on then what am I? not that I really care because I don't even like Harry Potter  
[Puckzilla] shutup Finn  
[ShiningTwin2] hmmmm a tough one, you have qualities of both Hufflepuff and Gryffindor but ultimately I think you are  
Hufflepuff  
[Frankenteen] [has sent a voice note]  
HUFFLEPUFF  
[Spooktana] nice drum roll there Hudson ;)  
[Frankenteen] thanks dropped my stick at the end though  
[Spooktana] kick any furniture today?  
[Puckzilla] LOL HE HATES MR SHUES CHAIRS  
[ShiningTwin2] hey Mike it's your turn your the last one  
[ShiningTwin1] oh this has been so thrilling  
[ShiningTwin2] Mike you have the ambition and intelligence of a Ravenclaw but your heart is Hufflepuff, therefore I am naming you one  
[MichaelChangMyers] [has sent a voice note]  
HUFFLEPUFF  
[ShiningTwin2] I can't believe we are all sorted into houses <3  
[ShiningTwin1] Wow honestly Blaine you are cute but waaaay to into Harry Potter  
[Spooktana] leave him alone he's like a sexier version  
[Jaws] does this make me blond Ron??  
[Spooktana] I am NOT Hermione fucking Granger  
[Jaws] LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL WHY NOT, RACHEL CAN BE SNAPE?????!!!!!  
[Spooktana] Fine only if Kurt can be that cute old Scottish lady  
[ShiningTwin2] Professor Mcgonagall???? I AM DEAD... call the mortuary that's hilarious  
[CousinIT] Snape???? you are all so rude  
[ShiningTwin1] honestly I wish they'd all move out  
[NormanBatesMom] well they aren't moving in here  
[MichaelChangMyers] why not 3/4 Hufflepuffs reuntied????  
[Jaws] YAS!!!!!!!!!!!  
[AsianGhostGirl] Honestly I would love this  
[CousinIT] guys we were actually joking. :/  
[Spooktana] no we know when we aren't wanted...  
[ShiningTwin2] IM PACKING MY BAGS KURT  
[ShiningTwin1] YES LOUDLY  
[Spooktana] BLAINE!!! YOU'VE JUST PACKED BOWTIES  
[Jaws] I can't wait to live somewhere where I can practice swimming in the bathtub  
[CousinIT] OH AND FLOOD THE FLOOR??  
[RosemarysBaby] I honestly cannot even comprehend this right now, I've literally got an image of the three of you packing your bags dramatically and Rachel crying and Kurt just standing there with his arms folded  
[Candyman] Rachel crying?? Lol thats original  
[Frankenteen] Lol where the hell are you actually going to live? wait are you actually moving out?  
[ShiningTwin1] I don't care, perhaps now I can use the kitchen without Blaine and Sam making potions  
[ShiningTwin2] JUST WANTED TO PRETEND I WAS AT HOGWARTS ONCE KURT... GOD  
[Jaws] Plus Santana gave us awesome potion recipe  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Wait you know spells???  
[Jaws] she told me she was a Bruja  
[Spooktana] my bisabuela was definitely one  
[CousinIT] what's a bruja??  
[Spooktana] a witch Rachel  
[RosemarysBaby] oh my  
[CousinIT] are you serious?  
[Puckzilla] oh she's serious, Santana once made me a cocktail at a party and I blacked out for like 3 hours  
[Spooktana] oh I roofied you, you were being annoying, Puck's one of those weepy drunks after he's had too many  
[Puckzilla] you roofied me?  
[Spooktana] yeah and I'll do it again  
[Puckzilla] You are insane  
[Spooktana] I know and you love me for it ;)  
[Puckzilla] can't even deny that <3  
[Jaws] stop hitting on my wife  
[Puckzilla] she's a lesbian  
[ShiningTwin1] I DON'T HEAR ANYONE MOVING OUT YET  
[ShiningTwin2] KURT STOP BEING A BITCH.... I LOVE YOU  
[NormanBatesMom] seriously none of you are moving in here  
[AsianGhostGirl] oh calm down Artie, it won't be for long  
[Jaws] Tinaaaaaaaaaaa <3 got a spare bed for 3 fugitives  
[MichaelChangMyers] You'll have to share?  
[ShiningTwin2] 3 in the bed?  
[Spooktana] oh my dream, sharing a bed with Bowtie and trouty  
[BrittanyScissorhands] 3 hottest people of my dreams  
[NormanBatesMom] thanks Brit :/  
[BrittanyScissorhands] sorry I forgot we dated, wait am I still dating Finn?  
[Frankenteen] no you dumped me last week, and then you made out with Puck, why does this keep happening to me???? :(  
[Spooktana] Brit baby what have I told you about hooking up with Puck?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] only to hook up with him if he gives you something in return  
[Spooktana] no thats not what I told you :/  
[Puckzilla] Finn my man I'm sorry, in my defense she said it was to make you jealous  
[Frankenteen] but she dumped me??  
[Puckzilla] she wants you to get back together with Rachel  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm getting a migraine  
[Spooktana] Alohomora!!!!!!!!!!!  
[BrittanyScissorhands] is that Spanish??  
[ShiningTwin2] Santana why are you doing spells?  
[Spooktana] Well apparently Finn and Rachel are opening doors to the past  
[RosemarysBaby] let's keep all those doors closed, before I end up with pregnant with someone else from Glee club  
[Frankenteen] Quinn you wanna make a baby in a hottub???  
[RosemarysBaby] oh dear Lord NO...  
[Puckzilla] ah don't worry Finn you'll get a baby drizzle one day  
[CousinIT] I'm openly ignoring Finn and Quinn, Kurt they just left :( I feel so sad  
[Jaws] sorry we can't come to the phone right now.........  
[ShiningTwin2] bitches be gone  
[Spooktana] You've gone and Upset my boys  
[ShiningTwin1] I think we went too far  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Guys I got my letter to Hogwarts, I'm coming to join you :)  
[ShiningTwin1] WHO DID THIS?  
[ShiningTwin2] my bad I just wanted her to be happy  
[BrittanyScissorhands] everything is Lies, the whole world is lies


	10. The one with the Slasher Movie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Santana just really wants to make a horror movie

[Spooktana] ring ring  
[CousinIT] erm hello?  
[Spooktana] Oh no Mercedes has to answer the phone first  
[CousinIT] What??  
[Candyman] hey boo how do you do?  
[Spooktana] wanna play a game?  
[Candyman] Come on Satan is this one of your funny horror movie games?  
[Spooktana] comes on Cedes' I'm casting you as the big star name that gets killed in the opening act... it's the best spot  
[Candyman] Over Rachel? then hell to the yes  
[CousinIT] Well what am I? I imagine myself as the virginal final girl  
[Spooktana] absolutely not, you'll be killed off half way through because you play the obnoxious ambitious reporter   
[CousinIT] :/  
[NormanBatesMom] what am I the horror movie nerd who tells you all the rules?   
[Spooktana] Obviously, but I might let you make it to the sequel ;)   
[Frankenteen] I don't get this game   
[RosemarysBaby] *rollingeyesemoji of course you don't   
[Spooktana] Finn you can be the semi moronic deputy sheriff in town   
[Frankenteen] do I get a badge?  
[Spooktana] yes  
[NormanBatesMom] can we actually make this a movie for my film class?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] OMG I'm so excited the only movies I've ever made before is a sex tape  
[Spooktana] wanky  
[Puckzilla] wait!!!!!! that's awesome  
[Spooktana] Puckerman I'm warning you  
[Puckzilla] Fine cast me  
[Spooktana] the idiot jock that tries to save his friends but dies heroically  
[MichaelChangMyers] this is so cool!!!  
[Spooktana] Mike you are the sidekick jock, nice guy but you'll probably die  
[ShiningTwin1] excuse me?? I better not be the token gay  
[Spooktana] No you are the final girl  
[ShiningTwin1] Oh <3  
[Spooktana] With Quinn, she's the virgin who lives til the end  
[RosemarysBaby] I absolutely love the irony of this <3  
[Spooktana] Brit Brit as much as I love you, you would never survive a horror movie..you are the cute babysitter who gets killed after running upstairs instead of out the front door  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Can I say it's Brittany bitch right before I die?  
[Spooktana] Iconic <3  
[Jaws] What about me???  
[Spooktana] Trouty you are the pretty boy that goes off in the woods on your own because you're a little bit dumb, one of the killers is in love with you.  
[AsianGhostGirl] So Santana what are casting yourself as?  
[Spooktana] I'm obviously the bitchy but hilarious best friend, I probably won't make it til the sequel- also closet movie nerd.  
[ShiningTwin2] wait what about me and Tina?  
[Spooktana] you are the killers!!! Blaine you are the charming hair gelled boyfriend of our final girl Kurt however your heart belongs to Sweet Sam's dumb jock and he doesn't return your feelings. Tina is obsessed with revenge after being ignored for years, she's also secretly in love with Quinn and Quinn doesn't even notice her.  
[AsianGhostGirl] WOW!!!! this is inspired  
[ShiningTwin2] OMG does Kurt kill me??  
[BrittanyScissorhands] he'll probably strangle you with one of your bowties  
[Puckzilla] LOL Brit, what if the killer wears a silhouette Mr Shue mask?   
[RosemarysBaby] Puck I think you've always been a genius  
[Spooktana] yeah but like real deep down ;)  
[CousinIT] what is this movie called?  
[Spooktana] scream if you ruined run joey run last summer  
[Candyman] I am officially deceased  
[NormanBatesMom] Santana you are talent  
[AsianGhostGirl] wait who kills me on screen?  
[Frankenteen] as a cop shouldn't I accidentally kill Tina?  
[AsianGhostGirl] Did Finn just make a joke or a social commentary???  
[RosemarysBaby] let's not confuse him  
[Spooktana] yes The cop will come in right at the end and kill the other killer but once her and Q have had an awesome bitch slapping fight.  
[CousinIT] Do I get to tell my story at least?  
[Spooktana] Ugh Fine you can be in the final showdown you get to live and report live from the murder scene but only if you wear that hideous blue pant suit again  
[RosemarysBaby] NOT THE PANT SUIT  
[Puckzilla] I've never wanted to take Rachel's clothes off more  
[Spooktana] I think we all want to take that pant suit off  
[CousinIT] OK I GET IT NOBODY LIKED THE PANT SUIT  
[BrittanyScissorhands] you are a little loud Rachel  
[Spooktana] Rachel your characters book is called the Gold Star murders because the killers leave gold stars on the body even though they are your thing, to try and frame you.  
[ShiningTwin1] does Tina leave a confessional note with "who wrote this TINA?" written on it  
[AsianGhostGirl] LOL ^^^^ CAN I trademark that ™  
[Candyman] doesn't somebody always run and fall down in a horror movie?  
[Spooktana] 100% that would be Finn he has like 50 left feet  
[Frankenteen] hey!!!!  
[Puckzilla] Can I die trying to like rescue like Artie or something?  
[ShiningTwin1] so heroic <3  
[Spooktana] Sam follows the sound of Barry Manilow playing in the woods and gets murdered then  
[Jaws] YAS FANILOW FOR THE WIN  
[shiningTwin2] I want you to know Sam that I would never kill you for real  
[Jaws] but the being in love with me part is real right ;)?  
[Spooktana] erm can we keep this PG?  
[Jaws] what? if my fake wife is a lesbian I can't have a secret boyfriend?  
[ShiningTwin1] erm he's my actual boyfriend  
[Jaws] dude calm down  
[ShiningTwin1] did you just dude me?  
[Spooktana] sounds wanky  
[ShiningTwin2] Santana!!!!!  
[Frankenteen] wait I think I saw a movie like this once, doesn't the cop end up with the reporter?  
[CousinIT] I mean if I have to Kiss Finn because of acting purposes I'll be extremely professional and comfortable with it  
[AsianGhostGirl] gross  
[MichaelChangMyers] can I date someone in this movie??  
[BrittanyScissorhands] hey you can be my boyfriend and we can babysit Mr Shues horrible red haired ex wife's sisters children  
[Spooktana] Brittany S Pierce such a genius I am loving your script ideas  
[RosemarysBaby] wait shouldn't my boyfriend be the suspicious suspect?  
[Spooktana] then that would be Puckerman  
[Puckzilla] Why am I the suspicious one?  
[Spooktana] because you're shady AF and you literally stole an ATM once  
[Puckzilla] Fair play babe  
[Frankenteen] can you stop calling people babe? it's his new thing  
[Puckzilla] what's up babe?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] yeah Babe what's up?  
[Spooktana] Finn give it up once Puck and Brit get something in their mind that's it.. nobody stopping them  
[Candyman] it's why they don't make it til the end of Santana's movie  
[NormanBatesMom] can I be the cool nerd that hangs with the cheerleaders?  
[AsianGhostGirl] so typical  
[ShiningTwin2] wait what is Tina and I's choice of weapon?   
[Spooktana] Finn's drumsticks   
[Frankenteen] Yes!!!! the local cop who gets the girls because he plays in a band  
[RosemarysBaby] Fine if everyone is playing fantasy versions of themselves I want to be crowned Prom Queen in this movie   
[AsianGhostGirl] because it always goes so well for any of us :/   
[Frankenteen] I think I saw that movie   
[ShiningTwin1] are you talking about Carrie?   
[Frankenteen] wait who's that?   
[BrittanyScissorhands] that weird girl in Glee club with the dreads who loved Jesus?   
[RosemarysBaby] That was Joe, also Joe was a boy  
[Spooktana] Oh yeah Quinny received some extra special Physical therapy from Joe ;)   
[RosemarysBaby] please don't make it sound quite so lurid   
[Puckzilla] you really don't have a type do you Q???   
[RosemarysBaby] And what would be the point in that? ;)   
[Jaws] Santana?   
[Spooktana] Yes?   
[Jaws] for my death   
[Spooktana] when did you die?   
[Jaws] in your movie?   
[Spooktana] right well explain yourself, I can't have Blaine crying unstoppably and recording a mourning album because he thinks your dead  
[ShiningTwin2] Well I'd be devastated   
[Jaws] so I thought during my death scene that we could have a slowed down instrumental version of trouty mouth playing as the score   
[NormanBatesMom] filmmaking gold right here!!!!!!  
[Spooktana] Sam???   
[Jaws] Yeah?   
[Spooktana] you're cool  
[Jaws] OMG SHE LOVES ME SHES FINALLY ADMITTING I'M LIKE HER BEST FRIEND   
[ShiningTwin2] what about me??   
[AsianGhostGirl] well I've been replaced as usual  
[ShiningTwin1] Jealousy Blaine is an ugly trait   
[CousinIT] having a best friend is good for the soul <3 I'm so blessed to have Kurt   
[ShiningTwin1] Oh honey Mercedes is my best friend, you are like the sister I never had and probably didn't want  
[Candyman] we make culture <3   
[CousinIT] Wow ok  
[Puckzilla] FINN you are totally my best bro for life <3   
[Frankenteen] Awww thanks man <3  
[Spooktana] whatever all this feelings crap is giving me a rash   
[BrittanyScissorhands] there's a cream for that   
[NormanBatesMom] :/  
[MichaelChangMyers] hey what's everyone's favourite scary movie??   
[Spooktana] a closet tour of Rachel's pre New York outfits   
[Jaws] Jaws 2.0 Trouty's revenge   
[Frankenteen] Quinn Fabray- Killer Prom Queen  
[RosemarysBaby] The Glee club chainsaw massacre   
[Candyman] please stop you all need to go to bed   
[Spooktana] Filming starts next week!!! I expect you all to show up and shine ;)   
Oh and Happy Almost Halloween *pumpkinemoji


	11. The One where it's still not Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I promise there will be just two more Halloween chapters haha

[Spooktana] Trick or treat  
[BrittanyScissorhands] does a treat involve your boobs?  
[Candyman] are we still on this bullshit?  
[Frankenteen] how comes you always tell us we are bad when we curse but when you do it it's ok  
[RosemarysBaby] Finn you once prayed to a grilled cheese sandwich!!  
[Jaws] treat  
[Spooktana] Hey trouty I'm gonsta take you trick or treating and we can fill that giant mouth of yours with candy  
[Jaws] awesome, white chocolate for everyone  
[ShiningTwin2] WE STAN STRIPPER SAM  
[ShiningTwin1] Blaine you are on thin ice  
[BrittanyScissorhands] that sounds dangerous  
[NormanBatesMom] TRICK  
[Puckzilla] dude wrong choice  
[Spooktana] I might put nails in one of the wheels of your wheelchair or I might not  
[NormanBatesMom] :/  
[AsianGhostGirl] I'd always go for trick but I'm a risky kinda girl  
[ShiningTwin1] the first rule in life is never take anything that Puck or Santana offers you  
[Jaws] the first rule of Glee club is to not talk about Glee club  
[BrittanyScissorhands] but you just did  
[CousinIT] SANTANA!!!!!!!  
[Spooktana] yes darling  
[Puckzilla] LOL!!!! SHIP IT  
[CousinIT] Is that mildly offensive pumpkin carving of me??  
[Spooktana] absolutely yes  
[CousinIT] also why have you renamed my bedroom 'Rachel Berrys non active crack house'?  
[ShiningTwin1] OMG I am speechless  
[Jaws] Kurt I wouldn't get too cocky  
[ShiningTwin2] living with Sam and Santana is like a happy meal but with exploding dynamite in it  
[Jaws] am I the happy meal?  
[RosemarysBaby] obviously  
[Spooktana] BANG  
[BrittanyScissorhands] omg I was so scared then  
[ShiningTwin1] SANTANA!!!!!  
[Spooktana] excuse me other people live in this apartment  
[ShiningTwin1] right and I'm pretty sure that Sam didn't put a danger do not enter sign across my bedroom and call it Lady Hummels haunted hay ride  
[MichaelChangMyers] OMG LOL THAT IS HILARIOUS  
[ShiningTwin1] no it's really not there's hay everywhere in our room  
[Jaws] oh wait that was me  
[NormanBatesMom] where the hell do you get loads of hay from in NYC?  
[Jaws] Don't underestimate a country boy  
[Spooktana] YEE HAW  
[Puckzilla] Santana you are a genius!! this is to honor YEE HAW KURT? I am obsessed  
[Frankenteen] long live yee haw Kurt  
[ShiningTwin2] yee haw Kurt sounds hella sexy  
[RosemarysBaby] Santana you are something else ;)  
[Spooktana] I'm excited to see you in your Halloween costume ;)  
[AsianGhostGirl] well that took a turn, wait did you get the props I made you?  
[Spooktana] Why yes Queen T, Blaine's hall of magic macabre mirrors is done  
[Puckzilla] I got the bottle of absinthe for the Halloween punch  
[Spooktana] Heart eyes <3  
[CousinIT] Why do you have to take things too far?  
[Spooktana] what? you can have Puck if you want?  
[CousinIT] No this isn't about Noah it's about how you've turned the bathroom into a monster movie creature feature  
[NormanBatesMom] B MOVIE HEAVEN  
[Jaws] totally my idea  
[ShiningTwin2] I'm disappointed  
[Jaws] why?  
[ShiningTwin2] I can't pee without a plastic Anaconda staring at me  
[Candyman] Frickin snakes????  
[RosemarysBaby] I mean you have to admire the dedication  
[Spooktana] Thanks Tina for sourcing those plastic piranhas  
[AsianGhostGirl] Oh no worries you can't have an aquatic horror bathroom without them  
[MichaelChangMyers] But did you get the inflatable shark?  
[Jaws] WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I LOVE TITANIC  
[Puckzilla] wrong film Brit but close <3  
[Spooktana] Tonight I am turning the living room into the ultimate scariest nightmare  
[NormanBatesMom] MR SHUE SINGING BLURRED LINES??  
[Candyman] Rachel Berry singing the climb with laryngitis?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] getting lost in the sewers over summer break?  
[NormanBatesMom] :/  
[Spooktana] The New Direction Semetary  
[CousinIT] excuse me what?  
[Frankenteen] I think you spelled a word wrong  
[RosemarysBaby] it's supposed to be like that  
[MichaelChangMyers] I mean I dig it but what is it exactly  
[Jaws] Santana envisioned it as a dedicated graveyard to everything that has ceased to exist in the new directions  
[ShiningTwin1] who wrote this?  
[RosemarysBaby] Tina??  
[AsianGhostGirl] no lol... clearly Santana wrote this  
[Spooktana] Give Trouty some credit please  
[Frankenteen] Yeah but we still don't get it  
[Spooktana] Would you like me to demonstrate?  
[Puckzilla] hell yeah ;)  
[Spooktana] That's enough ;)  
[Candyman] come on we all confused here  
[Spooktana] things that have ceased to exist...  
Rachel's white tights  
[RosemarysBaby] HILARIOUS I GET IT...  
Puckermans Mohawk  
[AsianGhostGirl] Mr Shues dignity  
[NormanBatesMom] Tina's stutter  
[AsianGhostGirl] harsh but fair  
[Candyman] Solos for people that aren't Blaine and Rachel  
[ShiningTwin1] Blaines crush on Sam... oh wait  
[MichaelChangMyers] Puckleberry  
[Puckzilla] :(  
[CousinIT] <3  
[Frankenteen] Sam's Bieber phase  
[Puckzilla] Quinn's baby stealing  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Artie's legs  
[Candyman] Brittany honey nooooooo  
[ShiningTwin1] is this why there are foam headstones everywhere?  
[Jaws] Yeah  
[CousinIT] I'm exhausted  
[Spooktana] go take a nap in my vampire lair bedroom ;)  
[CousinIT] erm no thankyou  
[Jaws] what about mine Rachel, the Slasher Movie summer camp bedroom  
[ShiningTwin1] WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THE MONEY FOR ALL THIS??  
[Jaws] I sold the melody to a song I wrote  
[Spooktana] I just got a role in an off Broadway show  
[NormanBatesMom] makin it rain y'all  
[RosemarysBaby] congratulations  
[ShiningTwin2] so proud of you both  
[CousinIT] Was this the role in the Cruel Intentions musical?  
[Spooktana] yes :)  
[ShiningTwin1] Oh wow  
[BrittanyScissorhands] so proud of you both <3 my two favourite former boos  
[NormanBatesMom] thanks :/  
[AsianGhostGirl] This is amazing,!!!!  
[Candyman] Sam never wrote me any songs :(  
[CousinIT] this is not about you Mercedes  
[Jaws] Thanks everyone <3 Rachel where do we keep the stamps?  
[CousinIT] what? why?  
[Jaws] I need to send out the Halloween party invitations  
[ShiningTwin1] sigh  
[RosemarysBaby] did you go for the matte Black card with the red embossed writing?  
[Spooktana] God you make envelopes sound so sexy :0  
[Candyman] this group chat makes me uncomfortable sometimes  
[Puckzilla] Santana will you keep to your promise of no clown decorations?  
[Spooktana] awwww is ittle wittle baby scared?  
[Puckzilla] fuck you I hate clowns you know this  
[Spooktana] Ok I'm sorry <3 no clowns, except Finn  
[Frankenteen] Hey!!!  
[RosemarysBaby] anybody else notice how Finn typing Hey followed by exclamation points is the only way Finn can defend himself?  
[AsianGhostGirl] legit thought it was just me who noticed lol  
[MichaelChangMyers] tbf Quinn is pretty passive aggressive towards Finn  
[Frankenteen] Add Fuinn to the new directions Semetary  
[NormanBatesMom] Fuinn? who the hell came up with that ship name?  
[RosemarysBaby] Please stop  
[CousinIT] Sam could you cut it out with the spider directions now??  
[ShiningTwin2] ewwwww spiders where?????  
[Candyman] Oh I'm not afraid of no spiders but snakes though??!! oh hell to the no  
[BrittanyScissorhands] last night I had a nightmare that I waa eaten by a giant unicorn  
[AsianGhostGirl] erm are you ok?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I did wake up surrounded by glitter :/  
[Puckzilla] Brit you was making glittery pumpkins remember?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] oh yeah!!!!!  
[ShiningTwin1] WHY IS THERE A CAULDRON IN THE KITCHEN?  
[Jaws] apple bobbing  
[ShiningTwin1] oh of course  
[Puckzilla] I wonder who the best sucker at bobbing for apples is? ;)  
[Spooktana] oh wanky ;)  
[Jaws] I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE  
[ShiningTwin1] would anybody like to adopt two grown adults?  
[RosemarysBaby] I'll adopt them  
[Spooktana] mommy? ;)  
[Puckzilla] who's responsible for me?  
[AsianGhostGirl] erm Finn? :/  
[Jaws] I'M SO SCARED RIGHT NOW  
[ShiningTwin2] omg are you ok???  
[Jaws] I just watched a video that said do not watch and now I'm going to die in 7 days  
[AsianGhostGirl] wait huh??  
[BrittanyScissorhands] OMG DONT DIE DO NOT DIE  
[ShiningTwin2] Sam honey I don't think you are going to die  
[Jaws] I SAW THAT MOVIE I'M GONNA DIE  
[Spooktana] Sammy what video did you watch??  
[BrittanyScissorhands] what's a video?  
[Jaws] It was all such a blur i'm very traumatised  
[Spooktana] was it the tape on the coffee table?  
[CousinIT] oh no oh no oh no  
[Candyman] don't keep us in suspense  
[Frankenteen] Well what is it?  
[CousinIT] I made a sensual music video of a song I wrote for Finn  
[ShiningTwin1] I think I'm going to throw up  
[Puckzilla] I literally have nothing to say  
[Jaws] wait so I'm not going to die in 7 days?  
[Spooktana] no honey  
[ShiningTwin2] FUCK!!! WHAT WAS THAT???  
[AsianGhostGirl] you guys are so dramatic  
[ShiningTwin1] no wait I think I saw it too omg it was creepy  
[Jaws] oh that's Santana she's dressed as the woman in black  
[CousinIT] I just wanted one peaceful night  
[Spooktana] insert spooky ghost noises here


	12. The One where it's finally Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween Week

[Spooktana] gather together my children it's devil's night and Satan herself is speaking  
[RosemarysBaby] is anybody else imagining Santana saying this in darkened candlelight?  
[Puckzilla] wearing a killer red dress?  
[AsianGhostGirl] that thought is making me sweat a little anybody else?  
[MichaelChangMyers] Tina?  
[AsianGhostGirl] what?? I never said I was that straight  
[BrittanyScissorhands] nobody is straight when they meet Santana  
[Jaws] Can confirm the candles and red dress and she DOES look hot  
[Spooktana] was you supposed to say this on the group chat?  
[Puckzilla] probs not me and Sam have our own chat where we talk about how hot you all are  
[CousinIT] :/ what?  
[Puckzilla] don't worry Princess, you are totally in my top 5  
[Frankenteen] Puck!!! I swear to God man  
[Spooktana] Anyway Devil's night is the night for mischief and you'll all be arriving tonight for the pre Halloween party party. Bring your mischievousness  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Puck did I already pack that?  
[ShiningTwin1] there's a kind of irony when Puck is the smartest in his household  
[Frankenteen] hey!!!!.  
[Candyman] Devil's night? you are gonna get me into trouble  
[Spooktana] Sweet Mercedes Jones, we all know you have a secret bad side  
[Puckzilla] I mean you dated me <3  
[Candyman] well it was probably inadvisable but Quinn basically told me to  
[RosemarysBaby] He was annoying me at the time  
[Spooktana] Please the whole thing was a farce  
[Candyman] Oh really? you wanna fight over Puck again?  
[Puckzilla] ladies ladies ladies please  
[Spooktana] Puckerman you are my boy, do not leave my side  
[Puckzilla] I'm not your boy  
[Spooktana] Oh please, you will do whatever I will tell you to do  
[Puckzilla] I'm not Sam  
[Jaws] I'd like to defend myself but I am whipped  
[Puckzilla] whipped for a girl who will never date you  
[Jaws] erm I'd like to remind you that she did in fact date me once  
[NormanBatesMom] God this is boring  
[AsianGhostGirl] a bit like you then Artie  
[ShiningTwin2] Tina when did you become so rude? lol  
[NormanBatesMom] LOL? YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?  
[ShiningTwin2] I'm sorry Artie but sassy Tina is kind of funny and she is my best friend I have to defend her  
[Jaws] *Mocking Blaine* Oooh Tina is my best friend  
[ShiningTwin2] are you jealous?  
[Jaws] JEALOUS??? I am not jealous I AM MOCKING YOU BLAINE  
[Spooktana] he's Mocking you Blaine  
[RosemarysBaby] I am silently Mocking all of you  
[Puckzilla] Quick stop to let the children pee and then rehydrate... Santana I'm getting closer ;)  
[Spooktana] please don't wink face me Puckerman just hurry up and get here  
[Frankenteen] Puck did you call me and Brittany children?  
[MichaelChangMyers] The cap kind of fits  
[ShiningTwin1] The cap fell off  
[Spooktana] Michael Chang are you being a bitch?  
[MichaelChangMyers] oh God it just slipped out im sorry  
[Spooktana] It's kinda sexy   
[Candyman] I'm kinda scared for what Santana and Puck have planned  
[CousinIT] And I Mercedes, there's really no limit as to what those two will do  
[Spooktana] All in good time  
[BrittanyScissorhands] tik tok  
[RosemarysBaby] I'm on the train I am on my way  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Quinny, send me a Snapchat ;)   
[Spooktana] Brittany Susan Pierce!!!!  
[BrittanyScissorhands] what??? You told me I could flirt with whoever I want  
[Spooktana] Quinn is my sidepiece  
[RosemarysBaby] Excuse me  
[ShiningTwin2] Well there's going to be awkward lesbian drama tonight  
[Jaws] be quiet Blaine  
[ShiningTwin2] excuse me?  
[Jaws] I'M MAD AT YOU  
[ShiningTwin2] what did I do?  
[Jaws] Santana told me I have to learn to hold a grudge so I am  
[ShiningTwin2] SANTANA   
[Spooktana] what did I do?   
[ShiningTwin2] stop influencing Sam  
[Spooktana] I've never done such a thing   
[CousinIT] Mercedes what time will you get here?   
[Candyman] soonish I'm just taking a nap  
[CousinIT] have you not grown out of afternoon naps?   
[Candyman] shush 

........ Some time later.................... 

[CousinIT] Erm Santana when will you be home? Kurt and Blaine went to get Mercedes from the airport and I know you said you went to get Quinn from the train station but I'm kind of scared home alone now. There's a lot of shouting out in the street   
[Puckzilla] oh That's Finn and Brittany   
[CousinIT] why??   
[Frankenteen] Brittany is really mad at me because I wont give her a piggy back   
[BrittanyScissorhands] you are a bastard Finn Hudson   
[CousinIT] ok well stop texting and get up here  
[Puckzilla] I'm going to swing by the liquor store be back soon  
[ShiningTwin1] Ok I'm worried Santana said she was going to get Quinn but Quinn has just arrived alone, can someone contact Santana she isn't picking up to me  
[BrittanyScissorhands] she's not picking up omg omg omg   
[AsianGhostGirl] look we are 5 minutes away nobody panic  
[BrittanyScissorhands] WELL IM PANICKING TINA  
[ShiningTwin2] OKAY where is Sam???   
[RosemarysBaby] He's not here either   
[CousinIT] Okay Mike, Tina and Artie are here   
[MichaelChangMyers] Yes Rachel we are stood right next to you  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Artie isn't he's in his wheelchair   
[Candyman] STOP TEXTING WE NEED TO FIND SANTANA AND SAM  
[Frankenteen] Puck isn't back :(  
[CousinIT] he went to the liquor store he'll be back   
[ShiningTwin1] he's been gone like an hour is he drinking the liquor store?   
[BrittanyScissorhands] I need to find my favourite girlfriend and boyfriend of all time  
:(

.......... another 45 minutes passes..........   
[CousinIT] I'm calling the police   
[RosemarysBaby] Rachel you moron we are all in the same apartment you don't need to text this   
[CousinIT] no need to he like that, it's just that you are in the kitchen and I am not  
[Frankenteen] I heard a bang  
[NormanBatesMom] yes Finn we all heard it... all together remember?? :/  
[Candyman] OH HELL TO THE NO THE LIVING ROOM IS BLEEDING   
[BrittanyScissorhands] we are under attack   
[RosemarysBaby] STOP FUCKING TEXTING   
[AsianGhostGirl] let's all gather in one room, I just went to pee and there's writing on the mirror I'm so creeped out   
[ShiningTwin2] what did It say?   
[AsianGhostGirl] it said you're next in like red blood  
[CousinIT] I'm hyperventilating we are going to die... they've clearly already got Sam, Santana and Puck   
[BrittanyScissorhands] WHY GOD WHY, they are the, 3 hottest ones  
[NormanBatesMom] priorities Brit :/  
[RosemarysBaby] you literally asked me for a nude earlier and I'm not in your top 3? that's a little rude   
[Candyman] ALL IN THE LIVING ROOM NOW!!!! 

[the doorbell for the apartment rings- Finn is the bravest and checks the intercom camera] 

[Frankenteen] It's people in masks must be trick or treaters   
[RosemarysBaby] WHY ARE YOU TEXTING THIS?   
[ShiningTwin1] I am so frustrated at the idiocy   
[ShiningTwin2] I'm so scared, Rachel won't stop crying on me   
[ShiningTwin1] oh please you love it

[The creepy people in masks start taunting the group and after a lot of screaming and shouting and discussions. Finn and Mike answer the front door with weapons] 

[Spooktana] SURPRISE BITCHES HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVE

[And with this not so surprise reveal Santana, Sam and Puck whip of their masks and start chasing everyone round the apartment-chaos and partying ensues] 

........ Later that evening............................... 

[Spooktana] pssst it's nearly Halloween   
[Jaws] 15 more minutes   
[Puckzilla] FUCK YES  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I'm really mad at all 3 of you but you are all so hot  
[Spooktana] come on Brits it was just a funny prank I'm sorry, come snuggle with us  
[BrittanyScissorhands] I'm drunk and can't think for myself so ok, can I bring Quinn?   
[RosemarysBaby] why are you so up in my business?   
[Spooktana] Quinn Fabray get your hot blonde little ass in my bed now   
[Puckzilla] are we gonna fit 5 people in here?   
[Jaws] Santana is a tiny person we're gonna all fit  
[Spooktana] well hurry up, I need some ladies in my bed tonight   
[CousinIT] I'm still so frightened, Finn will you come and snuggle with me?   
[Spooktana] OOOOH cough up Puckerman you owe me $25  
[Puckzilla] I'm pretty sure you already took the money out of my wallet   
[Jaws] she did I'm counting it  
[Candyman] you guys really pulled a prank, I nearly went to an early grave  
[AsianGhostGirl] I had so much fun, I kinda get off on being scared  
[NormanBatesMom] gross im not sharing the couch with you two then  
[ShiningTwin1] I have to say I had such a great time tonight, devils night was very inventive  
[ShiningTwin2] I definitely won't sleep tonight  
[Jaws] I'M STILL MAD AT YOU BLAINE  
[ShiningTwin2] what???? why??? I even dressed up as the leather clad guy from the village people and let you and Santana throw dollar bills at me and you are still mad?  
[Spooktana] we were totally judging your stripping skills  
[Jaws] FYI you aren't that great  
[Spooktana] OMG 5 MINUTES TIL HALLOWEEN, everyone get in here for the countdown....

.......... 5 minutes later................

[Spooktana] Happy Halloween <3 *PumpkinEmoji  
[Jaws] Happy Halloween Queen <3   
[Puckzilla] Happy Halloween Satan <3  
[Spooktana] let's watch horror movies in my room come on  
[CousinIT] I'm never gonna sleep  
[Frankenteen] I'll protect you Rachel  
[Spooktana] cough up Puck baby another $25  
[Puckzilla] fuck sake  
[Frankenteen] stop betting on us  
[MichaelChangMyers] What horror movie are we watching?  
[BrittanyScissorhands] Quinn can you hold my hand and cover my eyes at the scary parts?  
[Spooktana] can you stop flirting with Quinn?  
[ShiningTwin1] what movie are we watching for goodness sake  
[AsianGhostGirl] something horrific I hope  
[NormanBatesMom] Run Joey Run?  
[Spooktana] wanky ;)  
[MichaelChangMyers] well we should probably watch Halloween considering *shrugemoji  
[Spooktana] Happy Wank-o-ween everyone


	13. The One With The Secret Society

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a secret society in the gang and they can't seem to get the right group chat.

[Troll] Guys what's everybody's thanksgivings plans?  
[NoahsArk] Got some room for a hot fellow Jew?  
[Satan-na] Can we not invite Finn, he keeps kicking all the chairs and now we have very few left, limited guest list this year.. sorry  
[NoahsArk] I'm coming anyway  
[Finnocence] Rachel already invited me  
[LadyHummel] I hope Rachel doesn't sing it's Turkey Lurkey Time again  
[Satan-na] Oh I hope she does  
[TroutyMouth] Hey what time is the club meeting tonight?  
[MsJones] Lol Sam we aren't in Glee club anymore  
[NoahsArk] dude why do you keep putting messages on the wrong group chat?  
[Wheels] God sake Sam!!!!  
[TroutyMouth] Sorry I didn't look where I'd sent it before I hit send  
[Bowtie] Sam why do you give everything away?  
[TroutyMouth] Jeez it was an accident   
[Satan-na] leave Sammy alone  
[LadyFabray] honestly whatever you losers are talking about, nobody cares  
[Finnocence] I feel like I've been left out of this club  
[Troll] I mean I usually am part of every club  
[Satan-na] you aren't welcome in this one  
[GirlChang] Oh THIS Club  
[MsJones] Queen T how do you know about this club?  
[NoahsArk] she knows all  
[TroutyMouth] are we dressing up??  
[Bowtie] FOR GOD'S SAKE SAM  
[NoahsArk] SAM!!!!  
[Wheels] it's not a frickin secret society if everyone knows  
[Satan-na] I don't get why it's a secret, nobody else is welcome in anyways  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Is it a pornography club? because I've slept with everyone in this club  
[Bowtie] when did we sleep together??? :/  
[LadyHummel] Yes Blaine when did THAT Happen?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] in Rachel's crappy tv pilot  
[LadyFabray] THAT'S SO RACHEL LOL  
[Bowtie] right Brittany so we didn't actually do it  
[MsJones] is it a drug's club?  
[Wheels] No!  
[Bowtie] stop guessing nobody will ever get to know  
[Troll] I will wear one of you down, probably Sam he's the easiest to crack under pressure   
[Satan-na] FYI Puckerman would give it up if you so much even hinted that he could see your boobs  
[NoahsArk] you know me so well boo  
[Satan-na] and don't you forget that <3   
[TroutyMouth] I'm really sorry   
[Wheels] I'm sorry that doesn't work here   
[NoahsArk] I dunno Sam's kind of cute if he's sorry I believe it  
[Bowtie] Just don't say anything else ok Sammy?   
[Satan-na] No broccoli hair you don't get to call him Sammy  
[LadyFabray] Santana why are you the only girl in this little losers club?   
[Satan-na] Listen here Fabray   
[NoahsArk] Tana calm down we've seen you fight you are a fucking cinnamon roll  
[Satan-na] you take that back!!!!!!   
[NoahsArk] Come on you are barely 5'4" and I'm pretty sure every girl in this group chat could obliterate you, even Rachel okay maybe not Rachel   
[LadyFabray] I can pick her up easily and I got paralysed in a car accident   
[Brit-tanynotSpears] I can pick her up and just throw her over my shoulder   
[Satan-na] So how come it takes several people to hold me back when I'm really angry   
[LadyFabray] Oh we just let Sam do all the hard work the rest of us just sort of stand there   
[TroutyMouth] WHAT!!??   
[ImMikeChang™] Sorry Sam   
[Satan-na] I could hurt all of you  
[LadyFabray] you couldn't and you wouldn't   
[NoahsArk] because you are a cinnamon roll  
[Satan-na] If you say that one more time I will EAT YOU Puckerman   
[Wheels] you probably shouldn't say that :/  
[TroutyMouth] I am a cinnamon roll  
[GirlChang] Quinn Fabray looks like she could kill you, could actually kill you  
[LadyHummel] I'm a self confessed cinnamon roll  
[Finnocence] this is making me hungry  
[NoahsArk] ^^^^ he's 6'3" looks he could kill you.... cinnamon roll  
[LadyFabray] Puck don't pretend you aren't a cinnamon roll  
[Bowtie] Mercedes and Rachel look like cinnamon rolls but could actually kill you, am I doing this right?  
[GirlChang] Yeah!!!!!!!  
[ImMikeChang™] Brittany too!!! she could definitely kill you  
[Troll] I'd never kill anybody :/  
[Wheels] Rachel Berry I'm pretty sure you would  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] is someone going to bring cinnamon rolls to thanksgiving  
[MsJones] and Tots?  
[Bowtie] and cronuts  
[GirlChang] Finn will you be bringing a grilled Cheesus sandwich?  
[TroutyMouth] making a toast in my red solo cup  
[Satan-na] can I read from my pocket book of Insults about Sam's mouth?  
[Troll] I really just wanted a civilised time  
[LadyFabray] and you invited these people?  
[LadyHummel] you kind of asked for it Rachel  
[ImMikeChang™] you could always have a kids table, adults table and a delinquents table?  
[NoahsArk] Oh and I bet I'm at the delinquent table???   
[Troll] don't worry Santana will be there too  
[Satan-na] STOP TARRING US WITH THE SAME BRUSH  
[LadyHummel] you kind of are the male-female version of each other  
[GirlChang] Just like Sam and Brittany are weirdly creepy Alike  
[Wheels] Mercedes and Kurt  
[GirlChang] DO NOT say that we are alike Artie  
[LadyFabray] I'd say I will be sitting at the adults table.  
[Troll] Ok so I worked on a seating arrangement in my head, now I have a colour coded chart planned  
[LadyHummel] Go ahead  
[Troll] I'm at the head of the table, Mercedes opposite Kurt, Artie next to Mercedes and Quinn opposite Artie. Tina and Mike opposite one another Mike next to Artie.  
[GirlChang] sounds good to me  
[Troll] Brittany next to Blaine on the children's table, Finn opposite Sam and then Santana and Puck at another separate table so the only trouble they can cause is for one another.  
[Satan-na] FINE, Puckerman and I will go get wasted in a dirty, sticky establishment and feast on peanuts from the bar  
[NoahsArk] No no it's cool, we will behave <3  
[TroutyMouth] Puck OMG MY COSTUME for tonight is awesome  
[Wheels] SAM!!!!!! WRONG GROUP CHAT FFS!!!!  
[NoahsArk] Hey Tana don't worry we'll get Berry back for her stupid seating plan  
[Satan-na] PUCKERMAN not you as well!!!! pay attention to what you are texting  
[Troll] are you two trying to threaten me!?  
[MsJones] lol two cinnamon rolls. let them bring it  
[MsJones] how many group chats do y'alls have?   
[LadyFabray] Are you all actually morons!?  
[LadyHummel] Blaine I demand you tell me what this secret society is you are a part of?  
[Bowtie] I can't... sworn to secrecy  
[Finnocence] Do share because I'm kind of pissed about it  
[I'mMikeChang™] Yes as someone who has also been left out.... spill  
[TroutyMouth] we are in The SSOCBC  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Well I have no clue what that is  
[MsJones] the socks before christ????  
[LadyHummel] WHAT???!!!!  
[MsJones] sorry was listening to Joe's sermons earlier on today feeling very religious right now  
[LadyFabray] As In Jesus Joe?  
[MsJones] yeah he does online sermons now, he sings prayers with his guitar, he's really kinda hot actually  
[ImMikeChang™] Mercedes Jones ;)  
[MsJones] Strictly looking in the religious sense ;)  
[GirlChang] get down with your bad self  
[MsJones] I can look but not touch ;)  
[Finnocence] Ok... what does it actually stand for  
[Satan-na] The Secret Society Of Comic Books Club  
[LadyFabray] Oh wow.....  
[Bowtie] I was going to dress as a really short Superman tonight  
[NoahsArk] I see your Superman and give you Batman  
[TroutyMouth] For it is I Aquaman  
[Wheels] Ahhhh meet Spiderman   
[Satan-na] Bow down boys because it is me Wonder woman  
[Finnocence] and you didn't fucking invite me? fuck you Puck you know I have a captain America costume  
[NoahsArk] sorry dude you just never read the assigned reading material in time  
[TroutyMouth] Santana can you take your costume off please  
[Satan-na] why???  
[TroutyMouth] because you look very hot and it's too confusing for me  
[NoahsArk] can you pay attention to the important matter at hand  
[Wheels] trying to settle the DC vs Marvel debate  
[LadyHummel] it's like they are speaking a foreign language  
[Troll] Are you guys really in a secret comic book society?  
[NoahsArk] and what? so be it  
[Troll] and erm how do you look in your Batman costume Noah?  
[Finnocence] are you serious?  
[Satan-na] none of you could handle the hotness of us in superhero costumes  
[NoahsArk] did you just call me hot?  
[Satan-na] I'm gay not blind  
[Finnocence] Keep your penis away from Rachel  
[TroutyMouth] Santana doesn't have a penis  
[Wheels] huh???  
[TroutyMouth] Oh my god San I just walked to the bathroom and just saw Blaine in his superman costume... he looks so good I'm sweating  
[Satan-na] SAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE GROUP CHAT FUCKING HELL  
[TroutyMouth] Oh I fucked up  
[LadyHummel] I think Samuel needs to move out  
[Satan-na] if he goes I goes  
[LadyFabray] didn't you threaten this before??? tiresome  
[Troll] Look are you coming to thanksgiving or not????  
[TroutyMouth] I'll be eating dinner in my room alone :/  
[Satan-na] you can sit with me and Puck at the we've done fucked up table  
[LadyHummel] If I'm honest the vast majority of you should be sat at that table  
[Satan-na] I'll make some room at the table since Finn has broke most of the chairs  
[Finnocence] Oh shutup Santana  
[Satan-na] you shutup!!! I'll sit on your lap Puckerman to save space ;)  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] are you flirting with Puck?  
[Satan-na] I'm extremely bored right now  
[NoahsArk] I'll take what I can get tbh  
[GirlChang] Rachel would you like Mike and I to bring anything for thanksgiving?  
[Wheels] Such a suck up Tina!!!!  
[Bowtie] sorry I've been in the bathroom, Sam were you spying on me through the keyhole?  
[Satan-na] LOL LOL LOL actually that was me  
[LadyHummel] why????  
[TroutyMouth] why not??  
[Satan-na] wanky ;)   
[Bowtie] Sam???  
[TroutyMouth] Look it's too late for me now, I've excepted my inevitable crush on Blaine  
[Satan-na] it's ok sweetie <3  
[LadyFabray] I love sitting back and watching this shit unfold I really do  
[ImMikeChang™] I contribute nothing  
[Troll] just please all respond to my RSVP'S as soon as possible, kind regards


	14. The one with More Harry Potter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gleeky Potter alert

[Troll] must you watch whatever you are watching so loud?  
[LadyHummel] Rachel and I are trying to study in our rooms  
[Satan-na] go to the library like a real nerd  
[TroutyMouth] But it's Harry Potter you gotta watch it loud  
[Bowtie] do do do do do do do do do do do do  
[Wheels] wtf was that?  
[Satan-na] the theme tune obviously Artie, keep up *eyerollemoji  
[NoahsArk] guys I can't believe you are watching it without me  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] you said you would never do that, you are such hippogriffs  
[LadyFabray] Brittany it's hypocrites  
[Finnocence] wow Harry Potter... again  
[Satan-na] oh piss off Hagrid  
[TroutyMouth] LOL!!!!!!!!  
[GirlChang] Guys I would of watched it with you!!!  
[Bowtie] we are doing 1-3 tonight quick come now and you'll make it for the chamber of secrets  
[NoahsArk] ooooooh let me Slyther... in ;)  
[LadyFabray] you are disgusting  
[LadyHummel] thank God I'm not a Gryffinwhore  
[Satan-na] nobody asked you Ravenbore  
[TroutyMouth] you are hilarious after 3 glasses of fire whisky  
[Bowtie] LOL Sam's so hot he's a HuffleBuff  
[Satan-na] High five Blaine  
[TroutyMouth] awwww you guys *Blushemoji  
[MsJones] are you back on the Harry Potter crap again?  
[Satan-na] don't be blasphemous Mercedes  
[ImMikeChang™] Hufflepuff gang unite  
[LadyFabray] I think we should have a Harry Potter themed New Year's Eve party  
[Satan-na] so we can vote you for Yule Ball Queen?  
[LadyFabray] damn straight and don't you forget it  
[Troll] you know my two gay fathers won't be happy to hear that I feel like an outsider in my own home  
[Bowtie] Ok Draco  
[TroutyMouth] wanna sneak down the 3 broomsticks for a pint of butter beer?  
[Satan-na] Sam please stop talking in that atrocious British accent  
[NoahsArk] How about a trip on the Puckasaurus and I'll make you scream in the Shrieking shack?  
[Satan-na] LOL PUCKERMAN YOU ARE DISGUSTING  
[Finnocence] I'm pretty sure he's been writing pervy Harry Potter fanfic  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Finn thinks he's Harry Potter  
[TroutyMouth] Blaine is clearly Harry Potter, well he's our Harry Potter and I am Ron  
[Satan-na] I've already told you I am not Hermionie  
[Bowtie] you're bossy  
[Satan-na] Rachel is bossy  
[Bowtie] Rachel is Draco because her two gay fathers will hear about this  
[TroutyMouth] Kurt can be Dobby the whiny little house elf  
[LadyFabray] Brittany is so Luna Lovegood  
[GirlChang] I better not be Cho Chang because I'm Asian?  
[NoahsArk] erm no because you are beautiful and clever  
[ImMikeChang™] stop hitting on Tina!!!  
[NoahsArk] what you gonna do about it?  
[ImMikeChang™] nothing I'm a Hufflepuff Lol  
[LadyHummel] I thought I was professor McGonagall?  
[MsJones] Listen I'm going to be Dumbledore so I can be in charge of you idiots  
[Troll] Mercedes don't play along  
[TroutyMouth] Slytherin can't beat us  
[Bowtie] Sue is Voldemort  
[Satan-na] she who must not be named  
[Bowtie] Quinn is Fleur Delacour  
[TroutyMouth] Fancy pants  
[Finnocence] Can I least be captain of the quidditch team?  
[Satan-na] Only if I'm the seeker  
[Troll] HOGWARTS ISN'T REAL  
[Satan-na] neither is half my hair but who cares?  
[Finnocence] I dunno I read the first book and I'm kind of into it now  
[LadyFabray] Did Puck read it to you?  
[Finnocence] I can read Quinn  
[NoahsArk] Q's just bitter because Gryffindors are better in bed  
[Satan-na] I mean that's half true, Puck yes Finn not so much  
[Finnocence] :/ thanks  
[Troll] excuse me  
[LadyHummel] Well this got inappropriate quickly  
[TroutyMouth] I reckon Ravenclaws stop half way through sex to read a book  
[MsJones] Samuel!!!!  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] or sometimes I'm thinking about what leprechauns do for a hobby  
[LadyFabray] Ravensnores in the bedroom  
[Troll] well Finn has never had any complaints  
[NoahsArk] nah Slytherins are selfish in bed  
[TroutyMouth] Hufflepuffs have stamina  
[Satan-na] Well Gryffindors will show you a damn good time  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] can confirm that  
[LadyFabray] Yeah actually it's true  
[GirlChang] Hey Mike ;)  
[ImMikeChang™] hey Tina ;)  
[Wheels] I am not a Ravensnore  
[Bowtie] I totally have to do all the hard work with me and Kurt  
[LadyHummel] Blaine... overshare  
[TroutyMouth] wahey my man Blaine goes all night  
[Bowtie] Sam..... I don't think you should of said that  
[Troll] yeah we've all heard  
[Satan-na] Sorry Rachel, listening to you and Finn 'doing it' makes me wanna bash myself with a Nimbus 2000  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Are Hufflepuffs stoners?  
[TroutyMouth] Puff the magic dragon  
[MsJones] how did we end up here?  
[LadyHummel] I question this every day  
[TroutyMouth] and yet you are still here  
[MsJones] Sam you've gotten real rude  
[TroutyMouth] I WILL NOT BE SILENCED  
[GirlChang] Hufflepuff is totally the stoner house, Gryffindors are all alcoholics, Ravenclaws are totally addicted to pills and Slytherins are probably casual coke users  
[Satan-na] THE FUCKING ACCURACY  
[NoahsArk] Boom time to whip out a keg of Hog's head brew and party all night long  
[ImMikeChang™] or until the Ravenclaws want to go back to their room to read the newspaper or research a new sex position  
[GirlChang] MICHAEL ROBERT CHANG  
[Wheels] This is offensive  
[LadyFabray] At least us Slytherins will bring some class to the event  
[Satan-na] careful Rachel or you'll end up in the daily prophet for scandalous behaviour  
[Bowtie] Hey I've got the title of the first New Directions Hogwarts book  
[MsJones] is It Rachel Berry and the never ending solos?  
[NoahsArk] Followed by Quinn Fabray and her chamber of secrets  
[LadyFabray] FUNNY ASSHOLE  
[TroutyMouth] would a Slytherin lower themselves to say that?  
[Bowtie] Noah Puckerman the prisoner of Azkaban  
[Wheels] ^^^^^that's frickin genius  
[GirlChang] Finn Hudson and the goblet of grilled cheese  
[Satan-na] Samuel Evans and the order of each girl he dated in New Directions  
[TroutyMouth] ^^^^^LOL I LOVE YOU BESTIE  
[ImMikeChang™] Kurt Hummel the half-sweater prince  
[TroutyMouth] Santana Lopez and her deathly stares  
[LadyFabray] you are all idiots  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] Sometimes I flood my bathroom in the hope that moaning Myrtle might visit me  
[NoahsArk] that whiney bitch  
[Troll] Noah!!!!  
[Finnocence] TEAM GRYFFINDOR  
[MsJones] Finn are you ok?  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] he's now 3 movies into the Harry Potter movies  
[TroutyMouth] lol I've thought of a good title for the spin off  
[Satan-na] don't you dare Samuel  
[TroutyMouth] Santana's fantastic boobs and where to find them  
[NoahsArk] OMG!!!!!! you are so gonna get punched hard  
[Bowtie] I'm not ready for this fight  
[Satan-na] nah gotta give him credit, boy's a genius  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] they are fantastic boobs  
[Satan-na] thanks everyone <3  
[LadyFabray] typical cocky Gryffindor  
[Satan-na] stuck up Slytherin  
[NoahsArk] Fight fight fight  
[Finnocence] YES WHEN THEY FIGHT IT'S HOT  
[MsJones] are you all just a bunch of perverts?  
[Bowtie] mostly yes  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] can I get an owl?  
[NoahsArk] erm of course Brit  
[Satan-na] Puckerman she can't have a fucking owl  
[NoahsArk] WELL then you tell her no I can't break her heart  
[Troll] Brittany that's ridiculous you can't have an owl  
[TroutyMouth] only a Slytherbitch would be that cruel  
[LadyHummel] oh for goodness sake I'm so over all this Harry Potter nonsense  
[Bowtie] But I am Harry Potter  
[TroutyMouth] I wish I had some of Bertie Botts jelly beans  
[NoahsArk] LOL THE disgusting flavours  
[GirlChang] Flavours like Rachel Berrys tears during another solo  
[Satan-na] Mr Shues musty old sweater vests  
[Wheels] Brittany's stinky fondue cheese  
[LadyFabray] Mercedes week old cafeteria tots  
[MsJones] girl bye *laughingemoji  
[NoahsArk] anybody wanna see my wand?  
[Finnocence] DUDE!!!!!!!  
[MsJones] Puck I will chop off your penis if you carry on  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] wait I wanna see his wand  
[Satan-na] no Brittany no  
[TroutyMouth] Dobby would not approve of that master  
[Bowtie] Sam stop  
[Wheels] there's a lot of sexual tension here tonight  
[LadyFabray] inter House sexual relations is probably frowned upon  
[Satan-na] LOL DOES that mean Faberry is going to finally happen?  
[Troll] I'M not a lesbian  
[TroutyMouth] there is no girls in our Hufflepuff gang  
[ImMikeChang™] but you got me and Blaine what more could you want?  
[GirlChang] you 3? I ship it <3  
[Brit-tanynotSpears] well I'm going to date all the Ravenclaws then  
[GirlChang] Yeah why not <3  
[LadyHummel] I don't appove of this  
[Bowtie] oh just live a little Kurt  
[Wheels] Ravensgalore ;)  
[MsJones] keep me outta this tbh, in fact I'm an honorary Slytherin and I ain't dating anybody  
[Satan-na] no fun Ms Jones  
[Finnocence] does that mean I have to date Puck?  
[NoahsArk] how's it going boo? ;)  
[Satan-na] Yeah are you man enough to take on me and Puck?  
[Finnocence] LOL NOPE  
[LadyHummel] why do things get so werid quickly?  
[MsJones] I'm out. goodnight.. 

...... some time later.........  
[LadyFabray] Do Slytherins mix well with Gryffindors?  
[Satan-na] Why you hoping for another round? ;)  
[LadyFabray] always ;)  
[Troll] it's 2am here go to bed  
[TroutyMouth] Can't sleep, I can hear Kurt and Blaine rubbing broomsticks together  
[Satan-na] LOL SAM!!!!!! Shall we make some potions?  
[TroutyMouth] only if I can work my charms on you ;)  
[Troll] OH FOR GOD'S SAKE GO TO BED  
[TroutyMouth] what before either of us come up with another clever idea to piss you off?  
[Satan-na] or worse actually make you laugh?  
[Finnocence] LOL THEY JUST HERMIONIE GRANGERED YOU  
[ImMikeChang™] 50 POINTS EACH TO GRYFFINDOR AND HUFFLEPUFF  
[Troll] You wait til I tell my father's about this


	15. The one with the wrong thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel wants a lovely thanksgiving
> 
> Well I don't think that's going to happen

[Troll] Well thanks guys that the worst thanksgiving of all time  
[Satan-na] what like that's my fault  
[LadyHummel] I'm fairly certain Rachel would say it was your fault  
[Brit-tanynotspears] But I made that really awesome trifle  
[GirlChang] it had cat food in it  
[NoahsArk] what?? I ate that, in fact I ate most of it   
[TroutyMouth] as a fish I'm pretty afraid of cats   
[LadyFabray] Sam the more abs you get, the more brain cells you lose   
[Satan-na] and that works for me   
[Bowtie] what so you can manipulate him into doing what you want him to do?   
[Satan-na] oh please he has his own free will   
[TroutyMouth] Santana can I go to Central Park today?   
[Satan-na] not without me , you'll get lost   
[TroutyMouth] YAY FRIEND DATE IMMA GET READY  
[MsJones] well thankyou Rachel and Kurt I still had a lovely thanksgiving despite the erm cat food dessert   
[Bowtie] I hosted too   
[MsJones] sorry Blaine, thankyou to you too   
[Satan-na] excuse me I was there   
[Wheels] I'm pretty sure you sat there and got wasted with Puck and started a bet on how long it would take Rachel or Blaine to start crying   
[GirlChang] haha and you both lost because I cried first   
[ImMikeChang™] I'll never forget that  
[Finnocence] why was she crying!??   
[Troll] I believe because we let her sing an entire song at karaoke   
[TroutyMouth] did my presence at thanksgiving mean nothing to nobody?   
[LadyHummel] Sam you passed out with your head on Santanas lap after you tried to make out with Mike   
[ImMikeChang™] wait that actually happened?   
[LadyHummel] yes unfortunately I had to bleach my eyes after   
[NoahsArk] I dunno it's kinda hot   
[Satan-na] gaaaaayy  
[NoahsArk] please see my previously attached list of gays thankyou   
[Satan-na] sorry Santana is out of office right now I'll have my assistant call you back  
[TroutyMouth] lol that's me   
[Bowtie] does she pay you?   
[TroutyMouth] in kindness  
[Wheels] From Santana? Yeah ok  
[Troll] I'm still finding food everywhere from the food fight you all so uncurteously started   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Well nobody liked your turkey lurkey Rachel  
[Satan-na] wanky ;)   
[MsJones] so does anybody actually have anything they are thankful for?   
[LadyFabray] birth control   
[Satan-na] Rachel's knee high socks  
[Bowtie] Kurt and hair gel   
[NoahsArk] wait Mercedes did you want us to be serious?   
[MsJones] well yes it's thanksgiving after all  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I'm thankful that Lord Tubbington has stopped doing drugs   
[Wheels] :/  
[Finnocence] I'm thankful that Rachel and I are back together   
[Satan-na] oh gross, I think I lost the last little bit of my thanksgiving dinner also Puckerman cough up   
[ImMikeChang™] do you two just constantly bet on all of us?   
[NoahsArk] yeah pretty much, Santana you owe me, told you he'd say that   
[Satan-na] I'll pay you in kindness   
[NoahsArk] that doesn't work on me   
[Satan-na] but I know that when you are feeling sad that you like your head to be gently rubbed   
[Wheels] oh wow  
[MsJones] girl   
[Bowtie] oh she did not   
[NoahsArk] why did you do me dirty like that?   
[Troll] but that makes you sweet and sensitive Noah and I know you like your hair being washed after being slushied   
[Satan-na] Noah Puckerman is a simp   
[NoahsArk] hahahahaahahhahahahahaha yeah OK sorry there's some irony here   
[LadyFabray] I mean I wasn't entirely certain Puck knew what irony meant but the boy is not wrong   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Santana Lopez is a simp for me Brittany S Pierce   
[GirlChang] Also have you seen the way she smiles at Sam when she thinks no one is looking?   
[Satan-na] stop trash talking me, I'm from the wrong side of Lima heights   
[LadyFabray] Santana, if I tell you to tighten your pony you are going to do it   
[MsJones] what we are saying is that you are all mouth but complete simp  
[Troll] and that certain people make you all soft   
[Satan-na] Well not you Berry   
[LadyHummel] Didn't you cry last week watching titanic with Sam!?   
[Bowtie] That's a really sad movie Kurt   
[ImMikeChang™] I have cried at Titanic I'm not ashamed   
[Finnocence] Is that the film where the dude draws the girl naked?   
[LadyFabray] trust you to pinpoint out that particular scene   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Yeah draw me like one of your French girls ;)   
[Finnocence] I'm not that great at drawing Brit but I can try?   
[Brit-tanynotspears] cool I'll be back to our apartment soon I'll see you then   
[MsJones] wait hold up.... Is she actually getting naked!?   
[Satan-na] for FINN??!!! OH NO ME GUSTA   
[Troll] sorry who is getting naked now???   
[MsJones] why do all our group stories end up with somebody naked   
[Bowtie] and why is it Usually Sam?   
[LadyHummel] oh of course Blaine is talking about naked Sam  
[Satan-na] have you seen naked Sam?   
[GirlChang] oh here she goes   
[LadyHummel] I have not had the dubious pleasure   
[Satan-na] it even gets me tingling in my lady loins   
[LadyFabray] how she wooed me into bed I'll never know :/  
[Brit-tanynotspears] it's the pillow soft lips right?   
[LadyFabray] yes and it's the sultry brown eyes they Just have this look   
[NoahsArk] I mean I kind of like that she's low key aggressive and soft and cuddly at the same time   
[Satan-na] and there was me thinking you just liked my body   
[Finnocence] I mean that's good too  
[Wheels] how does Santana have so much game?   
[TroutyMouth] because we are all blinded by how beautiful she is that we forget she's a tiny little dork with passive aggressive issues   
[Satan-na] I don't know whether to slap you or kiss you   
[TroutyMouth] I dunno I'd kinda be into both   
[Troll] you two are weird and disgusting   
[Satan-na] title of our sex tape   
[Bowtie] Omg wow   
[LadyHummel] Really Blaine???   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Santana did you make a sex tape without me?   
[TroutyMouth] no Brit just a Brooklyn nine nine joke  
[Brit-tanynotspears] oh I mean it's not something I'd hate   
[Wheels] what??????   
[ImMikeChang™] so what I'm understanding is that Brittany wants to make a sex tape with Sam and Santana   
[Brit-tanynotspears] apart from you Mike they are the two hottest people I've ever known   
[Bowtie] do I mean nothing to you?   
[LadyFabray] excuse you   
[Troll] Well this is uncomfortable   
[MsJones] I'm uncomfortable   
[GirlChang] Sam and Santana have gone suspiciously quiet  
[NoaksArk] I'd put money on Santana considering it   
[Finnocence] this is all a bit odd  
[LadyHummel] happy thanksgiving season everyone I'm so grateful to know you all  
[GirlChang] sarcastic much  
[Wheels] passive aggressive much  
[MsJones] blasphemous much  
[Satan-na] wow spam notifications much   
[Bowtie] oh you are back   
[TroutyMouth] HOWDY   
[NoahsArk] so come on are we getting a sex tape or not  
[Satan-na] FOR GOD'S SAKE NO  
[Brit-tanynotspears] now I'm pretty sad  
[Satan-na] Brit Brit don't be sad   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I'm over it already, I'm writing my Christmas list for Santa   
[Finnocence] oh my God Brit I'm playing Santa at the mall this year   
[Troll] sexy santa ;)   
[LadyHummel] oh wow I think I threw up a little in my mouth   
[Satan-na] excuse me big foot I am the only sexy santa at the mall   
[LadyHummel] and don't forget Miss Rachel Berry in her slutty slutty elf costume   
[Brit-tanynotspears] elves are magical special creatures don't be so rude   
[Bowtie] Oh my gosh we could do door to door singing caroling this year   
[Wheels] no goodbye   
[NoahsArk] sorry I'll be attending hot Jew festive dinner for two  
[Troll] <3  
[Finnocence] what is going on here   
[NoahsArk] don't worry I didn't get anyone pregnant   
[LadyFabray] congratulations   
[TroutyMouth] I could be shirtless Santa at the mall *bodyrolls  
[Satan-na] perfect next to me as sexy Mrs Claus   
[LadyHummel] will Miss Fabray be playing the virgin Mary?   
[MsJones] ah the scandalous new directions nativity   
[GirlChang] Finn, Brittany and Sam as the 3 wise men   
[Wheels] the amusing part is they won't even get the irony of that   
[NoahsArk] I better be Joseph   
[ImMikeChang™] my mom is still super mad I skipped thanksgiving with her and my dad to spend it with you guys   
[Troll] My dad's were mad too but honestly I had a wonderful time despite the fact that the vast majority of you showed zero respect for my thanksgiving hosting  
[Wheels] girl I peeled all the damn vegetables  
[MsJones] and I made special Mercedes Jones thanksgiving tots  
[Troll] WAIT...  
[Satan-na] foot tapping  
[Troll] this calendar says 2004  
[Brit-tanynotspears] and.....  
[LadyHummel] it's not 2004   
[MsJones] So what you are saying is we've celebrated thanksgiving at the wrong date?  
[LadyFabray] how did all of us miss this?  
[Troll] Brittany said she was sending all the invites  
[Brit-tanynotspears] you know I don't know how to read a calendar  
[LadyHummel] astonished  
[ImMikeChang™] no wonder why my parents were mad they think I'm a lunatic   
[Bowtie] so let's just celebrate again  
[TroutyMouth] it's because I woke up this morning and decided to swallow the sun  
[Satan-na] I was genuinely so turned on when you said that to me  
[GirlChang] You two scare me just a little bit  
[Troll] so who's up for another thanksgiving dinner?  
[LadyHummel] let's have a Kiki  
[Satan-na] oh fuck me not again  
[Troll] Santana!!!!!  
[Satan-na] fine... I'll be there   
[TroutyMouth] She be simpin'


	16. The one where we learned that in Glee club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rachel is trying to plan for actual thanksgiving  
> Sam is feeling educational  
> Santana is feeling risqué   
> Team Nerd talk power rangers

[Satan-na] loverboy  
[TroutyMouth] sup  
[LadyFabray] anybody else starting to feel uncomfortable around these two?  
[GirlChang] I dunno I guess it's one of my favourite crackships  
[NoahsArk] I mean they are both very hot  
[Brit-tanynotspears] he's not wrong  
[Satan-na] I mean  
[TroutyMouth] They don't know that we know they know we know  
[MsJones] what now?  
[Wheels] Praise  
[Troll] why is nobody taking my plans for actual thanksgiving dinner seriously?  
[Brit-tanynotspears] because you won't let me make dessert  
[Bowtie] Well the last one was disgusting  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I hate you Blaine Warbler  
[Satan-na] have you upset Brit man hobbit?  
[Brit-tanynotspears] it's OK I'm mad at him but he's still really hot  
[ImMikeChang™] Rachel is the theme for dinner really black tie?  
[Troll] yes and I want everyone to adhere to it  
[Finnocence] I don't even know what that means  
[Satan-na] it means you don't wear that stupid power rangers t shirt  
[NoahsArk] ^^^^LOL  
[Finnocence] hey don't make fun of my pyjama top  
[Satan-na] it's real sexy ;)  
[TroutyMouth] I'm sexier, anyway have we told you the other theme  
[LadyHummel] oh joy it's always a wonderful occasion when you and Santana get involved  
[Satan-na] why did you just assume that I'm involved  
[Bowtie] because you normally are  
[TroutyMouth] can I continue?  
[Troll] please go on :/  
[Satan-na] if you don't Let Sammy get all his words out then they build up in his gigantic mouth library  
[Wheels] Anybody ever tell you you're weird?  
[TroutyMouth] so errybody has gotta spend thanksgiving with the member of our friendship group they most want to sleep with... That isn't their partner.. As their date   
[LadyHummel] I can't see this ending well  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I pick Blaine   
[GirlChang] God sake Brittany, fine I PICK Finn   
[NoahsArk] you totally could of picked me  
[Finnocence] I mean I guess I like short brunettes <3  
[LadyFabray] I was going to pick Tina so now I need to find someone else, thanks Finn  
[Troll] you could pick me, you could be my date   
[LadyFabray] erm I think I'd rather get impregnated by Puck again   
[Troll] :/ oh  
[ImMikeChang™] YO Ms Jones, wanna be my thanksgiving date?   
[MsJones] would be a pleasure   
[LadyHummel] this is absurd but I suppose I pick Puck  
[NoahsArk] My boy <3  
[Wheels] You know what I'm gonna tag along with Brittany and Blaine   
[Brit-tanynotspears] hey Artie, you can spin me round on your lap anytime ;)   
[Satan-na] I feel nauseated   
[TroutyMouth] will being my date for thanksgiving make you feel better?   
[LadyHummel] oh what a surprise   
[TroutyMouth] you don't understand our love   
[LadyFabray] am I left with Rachel?   
[Troll] Quinn it's like you don't even like me?   
[LadyFabray] I tolerate you at most and I certainly wouldn't want to sleep with you   
[TroutyMouth] nah Latina lesbians are more your type... Learned that in Glee club   
[Satan-na] Sammy shush, we all know I'm clearly Quinn's type  
[Wheels] I think errybody Quinn's type  
[TroutyMouth] I say why have a type when you have the entire back catalogue of the New directions girls to choose from  
[Bowtie] and that's on Sam being a little bit of a slut learned that in Glee club   
[Wheels] ha it's my turn to slut shame you now   
[Finnocence] I'm not sure I'm happy that you've put your giant lips on Rachel  
[Troll] it was just brief and it wasn't for me   
[Satan-na] lol thats what Quinn said after sleeping with me   
[LadyFabray] and then I did it again anyway ;)   
[TroutyMouth] and that's on Santana's sex magic   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I definitely learned that in Glee club   
[Satan-na] wanky   
[MsJones] and what else have we learnt in Glee club children?   
[Satan-na] that Sam's penis is as big as his mouth   
[Wheels] OH HELL  
[GirlChang] did she just??   
[Bowtie] This is something else   
[TroutyMouth] and we didn't learnt THAT in Glee club  
[Troll] I am truly astonished   
[Satan-na] don't go chasing waterfalls   
[Brit-tanynotspears] please stick to the rivers and lakes that you're used to   
[TroutyMouth] I know that you're gonna have it your way or nothing at all  
[ImMikeChang™] now why did we never learnt THIS in Glee club   
[MsJones] what a song what a song, much better talk than Sam's private bits   
[TroutyMouth] DID SOMEBODY MENTION MY WHITE CHOCOLATE?????   
[Satan-na] HOLLLAAAAA  
[Troll] OK look as someone who has to live with this, what the hell is going here?   
[TroutyMouth] You mean with me and Santana?   
[GirlChang] Here we go Rachel being dramatic   
[ImMikeChang™] and that's on Rachel being the last to know   
[NoahsArk] And Finn is always the last to understand   
[LadyHummel] please put us out of our misery   
[Bowtie] Sam are you hiding things from me!?   
[LadyHummel] I would like to remind you Blaine that I am your boyfriend   
[Satan-na] We just messing with you because it makes you all very uncomfortable and it's hilarious   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I don't find it hilarious, it's hot  
[NoahsArk] and that's why Brit is my girl, chill AF   
[Satan-na] I'd like to remind you that Brit is MY girl  
[NoahsArk] Yeah I know, I'm talking gal pal   
[LadyHummel] sorry did Noah Puckerman just say gal pal?   
[NoahsArk] I did and what of it?   
[LadyHummel] I have underestimated you, I think having you as my thanksgiving date is going to be absolutely charming   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Blaine, Artie? Can we wear matching outfits   
[Troll] BLACK TIE  
[Brit-tanynotspears] God Rachel if you want to see Blaine in just a black tie just ask   
[Bowtie] I'm not wearing just a black tie   
[TroutyMouth] Dude come on   
[Satan-na] Rachel' said black tie so thats what we are wearing   
[MsJones] just black ties?   
[Finnocence] Where am I supposed to look? Like that's gonna be super awkward   
[Satan-na] you've seen it all before ;)   
[Troll] SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!   
[GirlChang] this is so chaotic  
[Bowtie] Tina don't pretend you don't love it   
[GirlChang] oh no I live for this chaotic group chat   
[Troll] it's not just the group chat, it's chaotic living with these people   
[LadyHummel] Excuse you...   
[Troll] oh Kurt not you just those two  
[Bowtie] erm and me  
[Troll] Oh I just meant Santana and Samuel   
[Satan-na] OK Rachel Berry do you know what it's like to wake up every morning hearing you wail like a one woman choir? With a morning routine that takes approximately the same time that it TOOK Finn to work out he wasn't the father of Quinn's baby. I then have to see this morning routine all over Instagram and Snapchat whilst I consider throwing my cellphone into the subway. Oh and I'm not done, the fact that you are so frickin happy at the dawn of time is beyond me, nobody should be happy that time of the morning unless they've just had sex which we all know you aren't having. You are exhausting and constantly telling Sam and I we've done things we shouldn't have done like we are naughty naughty children. Plus all your bathroom products take up more space than Finn's gargantuan feet and Blaine yes you Blaine warbler take up the rest of the bathroom space with all your hair gel. Kurt also I'm really tired of you never taking sides when I'm clearly always right and whilst just stand their with your arms folded. You might as well just be Mr Shue saying 'come on guys' every time someone argues.. I think I'm done... Wait and I HATE the pattern Kurt chose for the drapes, it looks like fourth of July vomited on Blaines ungelled hair. And I'm done   
[TroutyMouth] is it weird I'm a little turned on?   
[Brit-tanynotspears] nope I'm right with you   
[GirlChang] damn I'm like low key sweating a little  
[LadyFabray] Absolutely radiating hate sex energy right now  
[Troll] is that how you really feel!!??   
[NoahsArk] oh God please don't make Rachel cry   
[Wheels] I mean damn Santana that was an impressive rant   
[NoahsArk] IT'S MORPHIN TIME  
[MsJones] ah who what now???   
[NoahsArk] Santana just morphed in Snixx  
[Satan-na] like a power ranger   
[Finnocence] I'm the red ranger   
[TroutyMouth] Rachel is pink because she's second In command   
[Satan-na] but the pink ranger was a gymnast   
[Troll] I'm a vocal gymnast   
[Satan-na] OK fine well Mike and Brittany are the black ranger because he was an amazing dancer  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I wanna be pink  
[NoahsArk] Well I'm the green ranger then  
[TroutyMouth] what about me??  
[ImMikeChang™] be the white one   
[TroutyMouth] but green is white they are the same dude   
[Satan-na] just be the white ranger, I wanna be yellow   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I'm kicking Rachel out of the power rangers I'm pink and Artie needs to be blue   
[Wheels] why because I wear glasses?   
[Satan-na] what use is Artie gonsta be as a power ranger? What's he gonna do run somebody's foot over?   
[Bowtie] that's so rude   
[Wheels] I mean she ain't wrong   
[NoahsArk] every group needs a smart one, I'm the muscle, you can totally be a power ranger   
[Troll] when will we resume talks about the upcoming actual thanksgiving dinner?   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Rachel this isn't about you, Santana does this mean I'm part of your little dork club now?   
[Finnocence] hey wait if Brittany is getting in, I want in   
[LadyFabray] Dear Lord are we STILL talking about power rangers?   
[Satan-na] listen here you   
[TroutyMouth] GO GO POWER RANGERS   
[Satan-na] call the dragonzord   
[NoahsArk] IT'S MORPIN TIME  
[LadyHummel] and they used to bully us for being losers  
[Troll] Thanksgiving is cancelled because none of you care   
[Satan-na] But I bought my outfit   
[TroutyMouth] we stole a load of Blaines black bow ties and made them into outfits   
[Satan-na] also one of Kurt's neckscarves   
[TroutyMouth] don't worry it covers all of my trouty Mouth if you know what I mean ;)   
[Satan-na] WANKY!!!!!!!!!!!!   
[Troll] Sigh


	17. The one where Christmas is coming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang decide to get festively creative

[Satan-na] has changed to [Santa-na] 

[Brit-tanynotspears] to [Santaslittlehelper]  
[Wheels] to [SantasSleigh]  
[LadyFabray] to [VirginMary]  
[NoahsArk] to [JesusesDaddy]  
[Finnocence] to [LittleDrummerBoy]  
[Troll] to [HolidayHobbit]  
[Bowtie] to [CandyBlaine]  
[MsJones] to [TreetopAngel]  
[LadyHummel] to [BaubleBoy]  
[GirlChang] to [TinselTina]  
[IamMikeChang™] to [MikeChangmass]  
[TroutyMouth] to [Mistlehoe] 

[Santa-na] HO HO HO  
[Mistlehoe] who you calling a hoe?  
[TreetopAngel] y'all exhausting  
[HolidayHobbit] Why do I have to be holiday hobbit?  
[TreetopAngel] wheezes with laughter  
[SantasSleigh] snorts with laughter  
[Mistlehoe] yippee ki yay mother Fuckers  
[JesusesDaddy] Die hard or get hard trying  
[Santa-na] festively wanky  
[VirginMary] very creative with my name Santana.. Claps for you  
[TinselTina] are we having a Christmas party?  
[JesusesDaddy] cmon Berry let's light the menorah  
[Santaslittlehelper] spin the driedel Rachel  
[HolidayHobbit] I will do a Holiday celebration at the loft  
[VirginMary] I'll cook, Kurt can help  
[CandyBlaine] I'll help too  
[Santa-na] What about me?  
[MikeChangmass] do you even cook?  
[Santa-na] I'll make festive cocktails  
[LittleDrummerBoy] ooooooooh what about Eggnog?  
[Santaslittlehelper] yummy, we want eggnog, we want eggnog  
[TreetopAngel] don't you get my ass too drunk Christmas eve, I will be going to church Christmas morning and I don't want to smell like one of Pucks wifebeaters  
[SantasSleigh] ew  
[Santa-na] so I'm hyjaking the festive party by dictating everyone's costumes  
[VirginMary] why is it always a costume party?  
[Santa-na] because I like to mock you all  
[VirginMary] fine just hit me with my costume  
[Santa-na] You and Puck are Mary and Joseph  
[JesusesDaddy] YES... WHAT A JEW, WHAT A CONCEPT  
[Santa-na] Brit Brit you are going to dress a a present because you are the greatest gift <3  
[Santaslittlehelper] I LOVE IT  
[Santa-na] Tina and Mike you will be reindeers, but not just any reindeer Vixen for you Tina ;) and Mike will be Dancer... Obviously  
[TinselTina] I love you Santana  
[Santa-na] Much love Queen T  
[CandyBlaine] Hit me with it  
[Santaslittlehelper] hit you with what?  
[Santa-na] Awww Blaine you and Rachel my favourite holiday hobbits will be little elves  
[HolidayHobbit] :/ of course  
[CandyBlaine] slutty elves!??  
[Santa-na] hmmm I think that's entirely down to whether or not you wish for everyone to lose their appetite for Christmas Dinner.  
[BaubleBoy] lovely word play on my new Groupchat name Santana, I'm very certain you think that you are very clever with that innuendo  
[Santa-na] Kurt don't hate, I'm letting you dress as a wise man for Christmas, thought you could wear your Prom Queen Crown?  
[Mistlehoe] ooooffff  
[Santaslittlehelper] Even Kurt was prom queen Quinn  
[VirginMary] Thanks Brittany :/  
[Santa-na] Finn???  
[LittleDrummerBoy] oh hey Santana :)  
[Santa-na] You'll be one of those gigantic nutcracker statues with the drumkit round their neck  
[JesusesDaddy] LOL!!!!!  
[LittleDrummerBoy] seriously?  
[Santa-na] yes Finn don't be a grinch  
[TreetopAngel] I better be an Angel girl?  
[Santa-na] Mercedes would I do you dirty? Of course you are an Angel  
[SantasSleigh] what about me?  
[Santa-na] oh you literally will be Santas sleigh or Rudolph in Santas sleigh  
[SantasSleigh] awesome  
[Mistlehoe] Please can I be shirtless Santa?  
[BaubleBoy] please have some self respect  
[Santa-na] you'll be body rolling as topless santa until new years eve Sammy boy  
[Mistlehoe] sweet... Sexy santa *fingerguns  
[TinselTina] Santana are you going to wear that sexy Mrs Claus outfit Ive heard you have?  
[MikeChangmass] Tina???  
[TinselTina] what I'm Santanasexual  
[CandyBlaine] Lol me too  
[TinselTina] I'm going to ignore that Blainey days  
[Mistlehoe] WELL Santa needs his Mrs Claus  
[SantasSleigh] just giving the people what they want  
[JesusesDaddy] Well damn  
[VirginMary] will someone sing Fairytale of New York with me at karaoke?  
[JesusesDaddy] yes Angry drunk Quinn, about time we did another duet  
[Santa-na] just no dueting in the bedroom  
[Santaslittlehelper] yeah we won't be able to hear you there  
[CandyBlaine] I don't think that's what she meant... Oh nevermind  
[LittleDrummerBoy] Let's write an original Christmas song  
[VirginMary] for God's sake no  
[Mistlehoe] We could add jingle bells to trouty Mouth?  
[Santa-na]  
I've been keeping a notebook and prepared this just in case this day ever came  
*Adds Jingle Bell sounds (Tina on Piano) 

Bieber face  
Trouty mouth  
Is that how people's lips look  
Where you come from The North Pole?  
Great big mouth  
Jingle Bells  
I love suckin' on  
Those mistletoe kissing lips  
Wanna put all Santas gifts  
In that mouth there's so much space  
If you tried hard enough  
You could swallow the whole Christmas tree  
Wooh!  
Oh yeah

[VirginMary] I have no words  
[HolidayHobbit] Santana that was so offensive  
[SantasSleigh] didn't even rhyme  
[TinselTina] well I loved it  
[LittleDrummerBoy] I don't really get it  
[Santaslittlehelper] that was soooo Good Santana  
[Mistlehoe] Santana that was amazing <3 that meant so much to me  
[MikeChangmass] it was a total vibe  
[Mistlehoe] I used to get upset with being called trouty Mouth but now I understand that it's how Santana shows affection.  
[Santa-na] only for you and Brit, and maybe Quinn oh and also Mercedes because she's my girl and don't forget Tina and also I like Mike as well. Puck also doesn't annoy me that much so really it's just the rest of you  
[BaubleBoy] and to think we invited you to live here  
[HolidayHobbit] she invited herself  
[BaubleBoy] yes Rachel that was the irony of my comment  
[LittleDrummerBoy] I mean I love her but she is literally like always mean to me  
[HolidayHobbit] you love her?  
[SantasSleigh] ooooh some heterosexual arguing  
[TinselTina] as opposed to what?  
[Santaslittlehelper] bisexual banter  
[VirginMary] What????  
[CandyBlaine] bisexual bickering  
[TreetopAngel] I have no idea what you people are talking about  
[LittleDrummerBoy] I mean like love her like a friend Rachel jeez  
[JesusesDaddy] Dude I love you and all but you shouldn't of put jeez when you trying to prove To Rachel that you don't have a hard on for Santana  
[VirginMary] Puckerman you're disgusting  
[Santa-na] oh please my boy speaks the truth, Finn would clearly like to take another ride on Mrs Claus lap  
[HolidayHobbit] Santana!!!!!!!!  
[Santa-na] oh don't he shy hobbit I've seen you rifling through my panty drawer  
[HolidayHobbit] I was looking for my scented candles  
[Santaslittlehelper] wait did you burn all of Santana's panties? Is that why she always sends me pictures without? Rachel you can't just burn people's underwear  
[Santa-na] Brittany!!!!! Those pictures were private  
[VirginMary] I honestly wake up everyday and wonder why I still know you people  
[Mistlehoe] because we are the sexy people  
[BaubleBoy] and therefore proves Quinns point  
[SantasSleigh] sometimes I think back to when we performed Push it in assembly  
[JesusesDaddy] LOL THAT MADE ME WANNA BE A VIRGIN ALL OVER AGAIN  
[HolidayHobbit] S S S SALT N PEPAS HERE  
[VirginMary] the moment I knew my relationship with Finn was doomed  
[Santaslittlehelper] I think seeing everyone in their sexy Christmas costumes will be too much for me  
[MikeChangmass] too much sexy?  
[Santaslittlehelper] I really have a crush on Blaine right now and I've still not made out with All of you, it's just what I want  
[Santa-na] how about you don't make out with anyone???  
[CandyBlaine] I can't make out with you again Kurt will go nuts  
[BaubleBoy] Kurt is right here  
[TreetopAngel] Ain't nobody making out with nobody, it's Christmas, season of goodwill  
[Mistlehoe] and Mistletoe kisses  
[TreetopAngel] oh no Samuel our time has passed  
[Mistlehoe] I totally respect that, but I gots to kiss someone under the mistletoe  
[JesusesDaddy] I got you Sam dude  
[CandyBlaine] excuse me  
[TinselTina] surprised Finn hasn't opened a Christmas kissing booth  
[HolidayHobbit] he won't be  
[LittleDrummerBoy] why are you always telling me what to do?  
[Santa-na] Finnocence don't worry about her she's got her Tinsel in a twist because her baulbals are too tiny to shake  
[TreetopAngel] That's so rude but I'm actually laughing like a pig  
[SantasSleigh] Praise  
[JesusesDaddy] now I'm thinking about Rachel's baulbals  
[CandyBlaine] wait so are we talking about boobs?  
[VirginMary] God bless you perverts  
[Santaslittlehelper] I've been working on a Christmas song  
[TinselTina] let's hear it Brittany  
[Santaslittlehelper] It's called  
Are we just all bisexual? A Christmas carol  
[BaubleBoy] oh how lovely sounds very festive  
[Santa-na] does it have lyrics boo?  
[Santaslittlehelper]

It's Christmas time  
I wanna make Santana mine  
But I wanna cross the line  
Make out With Rachel is that a crime

That's just the first verse

[HolidayHobbit] I for one am absolutely honoured that you would think of me for a sapphic moment of passion  
[Santa-na] can it Troll  
[Mistlehoe] hey Santana can we write a song together?  
[Santa-na] yeah sure like what?  
[Mistlehoe]  
Tina is falling over hitting her head  
All around me  
Brittany playing having fun  
Kurt is boring  
I wish that Every day was Snixxmass  
Merry Christmas every one  
[Santa-na] 4 candycanes for you Sammy Evans you go Sammy Evans <3  
[TreetopAngel] I can't believe I was considering giving my virginity to him :/  
[SantasSleigh] the talent here is undeniable  
[Santaslittlehelper] hey Artie how about we write a Christmas version of my cup?  
[Santa-na] SNIXXMASS IS COMING


	18. The One With The Holiday Candy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaotic candycanes
> 
> Singing in the rain

[Santa-na] Gather round the manger my children  
[TreetopAngel] Santana, what!??  
[HolidayHobbit] Blaine could you stop eating all the candy canes off the tree?  
[Santaslittlehelper] wow Rachel fat shaming? Not cool  
[CandyBlaine] I'm comfort eating, buying the perfect gifts makes me extraordinarily anxious  
[Mistlehoe] Slow down bro I got you, I've got the perfect idea for Kurt  
[BaubleBoy] if it's a topless calendar of Blaine then I don't want it  
[TinselTina] NOOO CHRISTMAS IS RUINED  
[CandyBlaine] I can make one for you Tina  
[TinselTina] CHRISTMAS IS SAVED!!!!  
[SantasSleigh] Mike control your woman  
[MikeChangmass] hey you will not refer to her as that  
[Santa-na] Artie you won't be getting any presents this year with that attitude  
[VirginMary] I think we should do a secret santa so that spending doesn't get out of control  
[HolidayHobbit] that's a good idea Quinn  
[Santaslittlehelper] Santa's not a secret Quinn  
[VirginMary] erm it's where you put lots of names in a hat and you mix them up and then pick one. Then you buy a gift for one person. So out of our group you might pick Rachel  
[Santaslittlehelper] I don't wanna PICK Rachel  
[HolidayHobbit] Thanks!!!!  
[Santaslittlehelper] oh don't thank me because I'm not buying you a gift  
[TreetopAngel] WAIT we are all in different locations how will this work?   
[TinselTina] OK what instead if we buy a small gift for everyone? Like a $5-$10   
[BaubleBoy] that seems like a pretty sensible idea to me   
[Santa-na] I personally cannot wait to give you all a thoughtful gift   
[JesusesDaddy] last year you bought me condoms   
[Santa-na] quit the complaining it was Incredibly thoughtful   
[SantasSleigh] Puck last year you bought everyone's gifts from the gas station   
[JesusesDaddy] I bought some nice things my man  
[SantasSleigh] you got me wiper blades  
[JesusesDaddy] you can never enough   
[SantasSleigh] I don't have a car   
[TreetopAngel] I personally love how Brittany bought us all glittery cat poop last year   
[CandyBlaine] or when Santana and Sam didn't even bother with our gifts and they just said "they are the gift" and then stripped   
[BaubleBoy] and there you are pretending you didn't enjoy it   
[Mistlehoe] anyone that says they didn't lies  
[Santa-na] it was the most sexual excitement Rachel's ever had   
[VirginMary] I personally think Mike is the best gift giver  
[Santa-na] always knew Mike was a giver not a receiver  
[HolidayHobbit] SANTANA!!!!  
[Santa-na] I wish people would stop yelling my name all the time  
[TinselTina] I mean she's not wrong  
[MikeChangmass] I sincerely hope you all loved my personalised Christmas Baubles with my iconic facial expressions on  
[Mistlehoe] I treasure mine, I keep it up all year round  
[Santa-na] It's above his bed, right next to his picture of me   
[JesusesDaddy] and his photo collection of Blaine   
[TinselTina] don't we all have a photo of Blaine?  
[VirginMary] erm no  
[Santaslittlehelper] yeah I do  
[TreetopAngel] no I don't :/  
[HolidayHobbit] I have a whole video reel of Blaine and I singing  
[Santa-na] I'm going to find that and burn it  
[Mistlehoe] BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE  
[CandyBlaine] might I add, what a great song Sam  
[Mistlehoe] you wanna do a triple duet later?  
[CandyBlaine] Sam if there's 3 of us singing it's called a threesome  
[Santa-na] wanky  
[Mistlehoe] what shall we sing?  
[HolidayHobbit] why is when Kurt and I sing you all shout nooooo and roll your eyes  
[Santa-na] because Us 3 sound awesome and we are way hotter than you and Kurt  
[BaubleBoy] attractiveness is subjective Santana  
[Santa-na] yeah and neither of you two get my lady loins tingling  
[VirginMary] I'm so glad I don't live in that apartment  
[JesusesDaddy] Liar you would love to be able to see Santana every day  
[VirginMary] Puck, Santana and I were a two time thing stop thinking about it or asking if you can join in  
[Santa-na] why you lying Fabray?? You so wanna tap this again  
[TreetopAngel] Well this is pretty unfestive  
[LittleDrummerBoy] Who wants to bang my festive drums?  
[HolidayHobbit] is Finn OK???  
[Santaslittlehelper] no he's had alot of nog  
[JesusesDaddy] and before you point the finger at me I didn't Spike the nog  
[LittleDrummerBoy] we gonna rock around the Christmas treeeeeeeeee have a happy holiday  
[MikeChangmass] go home Finn you're drunk lol  
[Santaslittlehelper] it's OK he's safely in bed now  
[JesusesDaddy] he's in my Bed Brit  
[Santaslittlehelper] I thought we could all snuggle  
[Santa-na] I don't know if I hate it or I think it's adorable  
[Mistlehoe] it's alright lil lady you wanna snuggle with me tonight?  
[Santa-na] only if you take that werid picture of Blaine off your ceiling  
[CandyBlaine] can I join? Can we watch home alone ???  
[HolidayHobbit] I'd rather watch something else  
[Mistlehoe] oh you aren't invited  
[BaubleBoy] Rachel let's watch love actually   
[SantasSleigh] Tina, Mike? Can I sit awkwardly by your bed in my wheelchair and watch Christmas movies??  
[TinselTina] erm yeah  
[MikeChangmass] DUDE can we watch Die Hard  
[Mistlehoe] YIPPEE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKERS  
[TreetopAngel] Sam!!!!!  
[VirginMary] please can we watch something we all agree on Christmas day??  
[LittleDrummerBoy] A MUPPETS CHRISTMAS CAROL  
[CandyBlaine] YES FINN  
[Mistlehoe] I love this!!!!!  
[Santa-na] can we make a movie den? Blankets and pillows?  
[TinselTina] lol what has happened to Santana?  
[SantasSleigh] is she broken?  
[Santaslittlehelper] oh man we lost Finn, he's outside making grass angels on the ground  
[HolidayHobbit] OH Finn :/  
[LittleDrummerBoy] NOBODY CAN STOP ME  
[TreetopAngel] I am so excited to see you all <3  
[SantasSleigh] Mercedes <3 much love  
[TreetopAngel] HOLIDAY TOTS  
[TinselTina] ^^^^so excited to see my fellow Happy drunk girl  
[MikeChangmass] I'm feeling this vibe, deck the halls  
[VirginMary] Fa la la la la la la la la  
[Santa-na] oooh is Quinn feeling unrepressed and oddly joyful?  
[VirginMary] I cannot wait to slap you  
[Santa-na] yeah?? How hard?  
[SantasSleigh] well this is uncomfortable  
[Mistlehoe] Woah let's pass the vibe check ladies  
[HolidayHobbit] Vibe check??  
[Mistlehoe] yeah you don't  
[BaubleBoy] Sam you are being very rude  
[CandyBlaine] can you stop interrupting our movie night?  
[Santa-na] although if you could bring us in some snacks that would be great  
[HolidayHobbit] I will not  
[VirginMary] OOOH Rachel Berry couldn't possibly do anything for anybody else :/  
[Mistlehoe] ooooofffffff  
[HolidayHobbit] Please don't attack me Quinn  
[TinselTina] Well this sounds like a real family Christmas doesn't it?  
[Mistlehoe] TINAAAAAAAAAAA  
[TinselTina] erm hello  
[Mistlehoe] you are HOT  
[TinselTina] oh thankyou <3  
[MikeChangmass] vibe check  
[LittleDrummerBoy] yes why do we never talk about how hot Tina is???  
[HolidayHobbit] Finn that's inappropriate  
[JesusesDaddy] Look Rachel you are hot and all but sometimes we gotta share the love, Tina is smoking  
[Mistlehoe] TINA STOP SMOKING  
[TinselTina] is he OK???  
[CandyBlaine] he licked a candy cane that he found in the street :/  
[Santa-na] he's amusing but definitely not OK  
[HolidayHobbit] take him to the ER  
[Mistlehoe] George Clooney <3  
[BaubleBoy] is it him making all that noise?  
[Santaslittlehelper] wait I can hear him  
[VirginMary] no Brit you can't  
[CandyBlaine] He's performing a very festive one man show  
[JesusesDaddy] how festive?  
[CandyBlaine] he's wearing a santa hat and only a santa hat on his erm parts  
[BaubleBoy] naked always with the naked  
[Santa-na] he's also wearing Tinsel  
[HolidayHobbit] stop him, he's making a fool of himself  
[Santa-na] I'm not here to stop anybody, I'm sitting back and watching this show  
[CandyBlaine] I've tried to dress him 3 times but he just slapped me on the butt and tried to take off my pants  
[BaubleBoy] Wonderful  
[SantasSleigh] Blam is real  
[Santaslittlehelper] BLAM RIGHTS  
[VirginMary] what the hell is Blam  
[TinselTina] You know Blaine and Sam ship name  
[TreetopAngel] that's hideous  
[BaubleBoy] WAIT IS HE DOING AN IMPRESSION OF ME????  
[MikeChangmass] LOL HE HIS  
[BaubleBoy] how do you know?  
[SantasSleigh] erm Santana is live streaming the whole thing  
[JesusesDaddy] hey Lopez tap me in  
[Santaslittlehelper] What is he singing?  
[TreetopAngel] and what the hell is he wearing?  
[Santa-na] Don't rain on my parade  
[HolidayHobbit] are those my tights?   
[BaubleBoy] OH MY GOD HE'S RACHEL LOL  
[JesusesDaddy] well Finn passed out about half an hour ago, he fell out of bed but we left him there  
[HolidayHobbit] NOAH!! ON THE FLOOR?  
[LittleDrummerBoy] it's OK I'm good  
[HolidayHobbit] Samuel I want my tights back   
[Santa-na] OK so Sam bought this candy cane off the Streets and I'm pretty sure he's just had some crack candy   
[TreetopAngel] LORD  
[VirginMary] so he's going to be like this for a while then  
[SantasSleigh] not gonna lie this is better than any holiday movie I've watched today   
[TinselTina] totally Artie more snacks?   
[MikeChangmass] I'll grab them lemme know if I miss anything   
[Mistlehoe] best holiday candy ever, want one Santana I bought more?  
[Santa-na] You know what it is Christmas  
[HolidayHobbit] SANTANA NO!!!!!  
[Santa-na] it's a wonderful life

......... Half an hour later........

[TreetopAngel] hey tap me back in the live stream Blaine I just made some food  
[Santaslittlehelper] this is boring they aren't doing anything  
[TinselTina] where are they??  
[BaubleBoy] I'm in charge of the live stream now  
[MikeChangmass] OMG WHAT'S HAPPENING  
[JesusesDaddy] are they in the street?  
[VirginMary] is Blaine wearing just a bow tie???  
[TinselTina] oh wow I can never listen to singing in the rain again  
[SantasSleigh] OH God Sam's going to go for the swinging round the streetlight scene  
[JesusesDaddy] quick who will bet me he's gonna fall down  
[LittleDrummerBoy] YE  
[HolidayHobbit] I should go and stop them  
[Santaslittlehelper] nooo now they are singing my favourite Christmas song  
[BaubleBoy] Barbie girl??? :/  
[Santaslittlehelper] Santana sounds amazing  
[VirginMary] Happy holidays to all our drunken, delinquent and crack head friends  
[JesusesDaddy] Hey at least you aren't pregnant this year  
[SantasSleigh] PRAISE  
[Santa-na] I AM WET  
[HolidayHobbit] I am putting these 3 crazies to bed, live holiday special stream is over goodnight  
[Mistlehoe] garbage  
[CandyBlaine] imma gonsta puke  
[Santa-na] Byesies


	19. The one with the 3am club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam Ponders life's Big questions at 3am
> 
> It's Christmas eve eve and everybody is feeling festive... Okay maybe not everybody 
> 
> Most of these guys want to sleep 
> 
> Except the 3am club

[Mistlehoe] Do you think I could see Santa's sleigh right now though a telescope?  
[TinselTina] Sam it's 3am :/  
[Santa-na] what's your point Tina?  
[VirginMary] Santa isn't real go to sleep  
[Santaslittlehelper] WHAT A BITCH ^^^^  
[SantasSleigh] Sam go to bed  
[Mistlehoe] I'm in my bed I'm just wondering  
[Santa-na] correction you are in my bed  
[CandyBlaine] why???  
[Mistlehoe] YAY Blaine you're awake  
[CandyBlaine] yes and stop messaging you'll wake up Kurt and then he'll be all bitchy  
[Mistlehoe] Also Santana don't act like you didn't invite me here  
[JesusesDaddy] whaaaatt???  
[Santa-na] I had a nightmare  
[VirginMary] really?  
[Santa-na] I got scared  
[VirginMary] of what?  
[Santa-na] I'm not telling you  
[Mistlehoe] it's ok Santana I always got you <3  
[TreetopAngel] I know y'all didn't wake me up to read this weird love fest, I'm going back to bed and putting you on snooze.  
[Mistlehoe] I'll take you to the candy shop  
[Santa-na] let you lick my lollipop  
[HolidayHobbit] this is really inappropriate  
[TinselTina] guys could you not?!?!?  
[SantasSleigh] ugh its like the middle of the night why are you two so weird?  
[JesusesDaddy] skyrockets in flight  
[Mistlehoe] AFTERNOON DELIGHT  
[Santaslittlehelper] I wonder what made cats think meow is the sound they were gonna go for?  
[HolidayHobbit] Please Brittany not now, why doesn't everybody go to sleep?  
[Santaslittlehelper] Rachel nobody asked you  
[HolidayHobbit] fine I'm muting the group chat interupted sleep isn't good for my voice or my beauty  
[Santa-na] awww night night  
[TinselTina] LOL!!! IS SHE OK? ^^^^^  
[Mistlehoe] no she's making rude gestures as she types  
[Santaslittlehelper] you are so hilarious and hot Santana  
[Santa-na] awww Brit Brit <3  
[VirginMary] Omg Santana I know you aren't video calling right now  
[MikeChangmass] yas 3.30am party line  
[JesusesDaddy] Mike has become chaotic and I love it  
[CandyBlaine] the rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain  
[LittleDrummerBoy] by George he's got it  
[JesusesDaddy] Sam's Guitar solo....  
[Mistlehoe] Finn banging on the drums  
[CandyBlaine] Mike doing a dance break  
[JesusesDaddy] Artie my man doing a beautiful vocal run  
[LittleDrummerBoy] Blaine hitting a dramatic high note  
[Mistlehoe] Pucks rocking out  
[Santa-na] wow the world's worst boy band  
[Mistlehoe] sorry remember when I sang Bieber and you were all up in my grill cos you wanted to gets on these froggy lips  
[VirginMary] now that was worth being woken up for.... Sam Evans just owned Santana Lopez  
[TinselTina] I mean we did have to watch you both basically dry humping for an entire evening in Rachel's basement  
[JesusesDaddy] I mean it's not as kinky as it sounds  
[Santa-na] I was confused  
[Mistlehoe] Awww maybe you just need a little reminder kiss from this guppy face under the mistletoe this Christmas  
[Santa-na] what is wrong with you?  
[Mistlehoe] I don't know I'm kinda horny, moody and emotional all at once I think I'm getting my period  
[SantasSleigh] :/ I'm out... Goodnight  
[JesusesDaddy] ^^lol goodnight my man <3  
[LittleDrummerBoy] do pigeons recognise each other? Like they go oh hey man how's the wife and kids?  
[VirginMary] I can't believe I thought you were the love of my life, I'm going to bed goodnight xx  
[Mistlehoe] mwah haha the night boys are still awake  
[Santaslittlehelper] and girls don't be racist Sam, also Sam if you need to borrow a tampon I'm sure Kurt has loads  
[CandyBlaine] Brit Kurt does not have tampons  
[Santaslittlehelper] whatever go lick some hairgel  
[CandyBlaine] Brittany don't be in a mood with me  
[Santaslittlehelper] I'm sorry I'm tired, I was writing my list to Santa today I'm kinda tired I'm going to go to sleep, I love you Blaine <3  
[Santa-na] Love you Brit Brit  
[Santaslittlehelper] you too Santana, Sam keep her warm for me  
[JesusesDaddy] erm...  
[Santa-na] wanky ;)  
[MikeChangmass] PARTY PEOPLE STILL AWAKE  
[TinselTina] Mike could you stop yelling, don't wake Artie up again if he comes rolling in here all pissed and moody I'll never hear the end of it  
[CandyBlaine] I'm surprised Kurt hasn't worken up yet  
[Santa-na] come get in with us, please don't wake up Lady Hummel, he's very unfestive today  
[TinselTina] how so?  
[Santa-na] Told me to stick the star on top of the tree where the sun doesn't shine, and Sam spent a long time looking around the apartment looking for this spot where it doesn't shine, I told Kurt that's Berry's gold star she won't be happy about it being stuck somewhere unsunshiney  
[MikeChangmass] LOL who wants to have that conversation with Sam?  
[LittleDrummerBoy] So what did you do to piss him off?  
[Mistlehoe] she routed through all the presents and opened them all just to take a look  
[CandyBlaine] yeah he wasn't happy at ALL  
[TinselTina] lol Kurt's so dramatic, he's going to hate us all Christmas eve  
[Santa-na] are you planning on causing mischief Tina?  
[Mistlehoe] I miss causing mischief with Tina, you should come hang out with us more  
[MikeChangmass] cool.... Do I get an invite  
[CandyBlaine] totally dude  
[Mistlehoe] Blaine don't try and be straight it doesn't suit you  
[Santa-na] I CANNOT BELIEVE QUINN FABRAY IS ASLEEP  
[MikeChangmass] are you two going to fight again?  
[Santa-na] it just occurred to me that she never bought Sam and I a wedding gift  
[TinselTina] she didn't approve, thinks you only got married for the gifts  
[Santa-na] Well we did and also I just wanted to legally change my name to Mrs Trouty Mouth  
[Mistlehoe] You gave up the real rights to that when you realised I'm not your type  
[Santa-na] Well you are but you're a dude  
[Mistlehoe] sigh  
[JesusesDaddy] well this is awkward  
[Santa-na] it's only awkward for you Puckerman because you are only number 3 on my list of Glee club man crushes  
[JesusesDaddy] Well that's rude  
[Santa-na] number two is Lola ;)  
[JesusesDaddy] two spots SCORE  
[LittleDrummerBoy] am I in the top 5?  
[Santa-na] absolutely not,  
[Santa-na] Mike is at number 4 because he's smart and a great dancer and we'd look amazingly hot together  
[TinselTina] PREACH *handsupemoji  
[CandyBlaine] anyway....... This is getting incestuous  
[TinselTina] and on that remember Blaines hot brother?  
[JesusesDaddy] damn fine  
[Mistlehoe] I prefer Blaine personally  
[Santa-na] a short king  
[CandyBlaine] awww thanks Santana  
[Santa-na] Merry almost Christmas Bowtie  
[BaubleBoy] WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT CRASHING???  
[MikeChangmass] and Kurt's here to paarrrttaaaayyy  
[Santa-na] Sam body rolled in bed and fell out, that was one solid bar of white chocolate that just hit the floor  
[Mistlehoe] my bad  
[BaubleBoy] WHY ARE YOU EVEN AWAKE RIGHT NOW???  
[Mistlehoe] you are the one whose shouting Kurt  
[TinselTina] Sam is out of control  
[MikeChangmass] shall I get popcorn?  
[BaubleBoy] Is Blaine with you???  
[CandyBlaine] Kurt I'm so sorry I'll come back to bed right away  
[BaubleBoy] no you won't, you can stay right there  
[Mistlehoe] it's time to snuggle up ;)  
[BaubleBoy] get back here at once  
[CandyBlaine] this is so conflicting  
[TinselTina] the drama of all this  
[Santa-na] Kurt I thinks you gots to take a xanex and go back to sleep it's nearly Christmas  
[BaubleBoy] YOU SANTANA ARE A PAIN IN MY ASS  
[Santa-na] thankyou <3  
[LittleDrummerBoy] what did I miss?  
[JesusesDaddy] hey Kurt *waveemoji  
[BaubleBoy] hello Puck  
[CandyBlaine] I better go to bed now or Santa won't be coming for me sorry guys <3  
[BaubleBoy] Goodnight and DO NOT wake me up again  
[LittleDrummerBoy] So who's still here?  
[Santa-na] Me, Sam, Tina, Mike, Puck and you  
[TinselTina] what a gang  
[Mistlehoe] Santana can you help me off the floor?  
[Santa-na] no  
[Mistlehoe] Santana  
[Santa-na] OK fine don't pout like that you know I can't say no to that just don't mess about anymore  
[JesusesDaddy] you better not pout you better not cry  
[Santa-na] Now is not the time for songs even though our voices sound great together. <3  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[LittleDrummerBoy] 12 Sam's a body rolling 

[Mistlehoe] and Blaine naked in a bow tie  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[TinselTina] 11 Finns a drumming  
[LittleDrummerBoy] and a Mike Chang in a cool hat  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[MikeChangmass] 10 Mr Schue sweater vests  
[Santa-na] and a Tina who no longer stutters  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas my true love gave to me  
[Mistlehoe] 9 Cafeteria Tater tots  
[TinselTina] and Santana singing trouty Mouth  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[LittleDrummerBoy] 8 Kurt's a shoulder shimmying  
[MikeChangmass] and Brittany lost in the sewers  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[Santa-na] 7 Quinns a scheming  
[Mistlehoe] and Puck stealing an ATM  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[LittleDrummerBoy] 6 Mercedes belting  
[TinselTina] and Artie wheeling himself away  
[JesusesDaddy] On the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[Santa-na] 5 RACHEL BERRY GOLD STARS  
[JesusesDaddy] On the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[MikeChangmass] 4 Journey songs  
[LittleDrummerBoy] and Tina singing gangnam style  
[JesusesDaddy] On the 12 days of Christmas Glee Club gave to me  
[Mistlehoe] 3 Cheerios That Sam dated  
[Santa-na] that we call the unholy trinity  
[JesusesDaddy] on the 12 days of Christmas Glee club gave to me  
[TinselTina] 2 Episodes of fondue for 2  
[Santa-na] and Quinn Fabray who shouldn't text and drive  
[JesusesDaddy] On the 12 days of Christmas glee club gave to me 1 TURKEY LURKEY TIME  
[Mistlehoe] tom turkey ran away  
[MikeChangmass] but he just come home  
[Santa-na] GOOSEY LOOSEY  
[TinselTina] Lucy Caboosey  
[LittleDrummerBoy] JINGLE ALL THE WAY  
[BaubleBoy] FOR THE LOVE OF LADY GAGA  
PLEASE LET US PEOPLE SLEEP  
[Santaslittlehelper] my phone is lighting up so much I'm pretty sure I just had some cool epilepsy  
[SantasSleigh] :/  
[HolidayHobbit] I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST TURKEY LURKEY ME  
[Santa-na] wakey wakey hobbit it's Christmas eve eve  
[Mistlehoe] Who wants to see my candy cane?  
[SantasSleigh] oh God I'm out again bye  
[TinselTina] twas the night before before Christmas, when all through the house  
[Santa-na] not a creature was stiring not even Finn trying to dance  
[LittleDrummerBoy] OH HOE HOE HOE  
[VirginMary] if you all don't go to fucking sleep I will personally send you all to bed and nobody will have any Christmas presents and we will spend the entire Christmas period alcohol free and in silence  
Do I make myself clear?  
[JesusesDaddy] yeah Quinn sorry  
[LittleDrummerBoy] SORRY Quinn goodnight  
[Santa-na] did Quinn just swear? 

........ 15 Minutes later........ 

[Mistlehoe] Do you think that cacti hurt themselves like ouch man I'm so prickly?  
[Santa-na] No Sammy now is not the time  
[LittleDrummerBoy] I wondered that too  
[SantasSleigh] FFS SAM  
[BaubleBoy] I'M CUTTING YOU OFF..... WIFI IS SWITCHED OFF.... TA DA  
[Santa-na] nooooooooooooooooooo  
[Mistlehoe] BITCH you made Santana hysterically cry  
[Santa-na] hold me :(  
[Mistlehoe] look at what you did Kurt . Omg it's 6.30am LOL GUESS I'M CALLING IN SICK goodnight everyone xxxxxx


	20. The one with the festive quiet evening in

[Santaslittlehelper] BEST CHRISTMAS EVER  
[HolidayHobbit] Finn knocked over the tree  
[BaubleBoy] and then Tina knocked herself out  
[SantasSleigh] AGAIN!!!!  
[TinselTina] I had the weirdest fever dream whilst knocked out  
[Santa-na] was I artie again!??  
[TinselTina] Sam was dressed as a giant fish  
[VirginMary] oh no that actually happened  
[TreetopAngel] We got a highly blasphemous version of the birth of Jesus  
[Mistlehoe] how do we know that there wasn't trout present at the birth of Jesus?  
[VirginMary] I thought you were a Christian Sam did you not read the bible?  
[Mistlehoe] I like the version with pictures  
[TreetopAngel] I'm pretty sure there's no fish in the desert  
[JesusesDaddy] can't get the image of Sam flopping about on the floor wailing O holy night with Blaine as baby Jesus in the makeshift manger  
[CandyBlaine] I can't decide if I've never been more humiliated or if it was my greatest staring role  
[LittleDrummerBoy] I'm really sorry I broke another chair  
[HolidayHobbit] this is why we don't play violent games Finn  
[Santa-na] Musical chairs isn't violent  
[BaubleBoy] you punched Puck  
[JesusesDaddy] playfully  
[Santa-na] that's how we communicate  
[VirginMary] one day those two might have an actual conversation  
[JesusesDaddy] but we've progressed so much from sleeping together  
[Santa-na] and we did that.... Alot back in the day  
[HolidayHobbit] gross  
[Santa-na] oh be quiet you would totally of ridden the Jewhawk  
[SantasSleigh] LOL I just spit out my coffee  
[TinselTina] Artie stop trying to be cool, you have a glass of milk  
[MikeChangmass] just checking in guys.... Great festivities  
[TreetopAngel] Hey Mike, thanks for saving my face from Finn during twister  
[MikeChangmass] anything for you Ms Jones <3  
[TinselTina] is everybody here just having a secret loveship???  
[HolidayHobbit] what the hell is as loveship?  
[VirginMary] romantic friendship???  
[TinselTina] yeah!!!!  
[JesusesDaddy] BLAM  
[LittleDrummerBoy] Puck!!!!  
[JesusesDaddy] what!??? BLAM are my romance role models I think they are cute  
[BaubleBoy] he's my boyfriend Puck  
[Mistlehoe] for now ;)  
[Santa-na] you are my loveship Sam and I will fight Bottom Blaine until the death  
[VirginMary] do I mean nothing to you?  
[Santa-na] Quinn don't be jealous  
[CandyBlaine] I'm not A bottom  
[Mistlehoe] well that's a lie, lies are bad  
[JesusesDaddy] hey Quinn I think you need to bring back the Glist  
[HolidayHobbit] please don't it's Christmas season  
[CandyBlaine] what's a Glist?  
[Santa-na] Quinn invented the Glist, it ranks the New Directions members in order of sexual scandal  
[Mistlehoe] SLUT SHAMING TIME  
[JesusesDaddy] NUMBER ONE GO  
[Mistlehoe] ARTIE!!!  
[SantasSleigh] WHAT!!??!! WHY???  
[Mistlehoe] you a hoe hoe hoe  
[CandyBlaine] you gave several girls chlamydia, plus you've dated Sugar, Brittany, Kitty, Tina and had one a night stand with Ms Pillsburys niece  
[JesusesDaddy] So Artie is No 1????  
[TreetopAngel] This is a terrible Christmas game  
[VirginMary] SAM!!! YOU ARE NUMBER 2  
[Mistlehoe] white chocolate got it going on  
[Santaslittlehelper] Yeah boy!!!!!!!  
[VirginMary] you've dated Me, Santana, Brittany, Nurse Penny, Mercedes and kissed Tina and Rachel and I'm pretty sure you and Blaine have something going on  
[Mistlehoe] and I enjoyed every single one of you  
[CandyBlaine] :/ Sam stop  
[JesusesDaddy] can I nominate no 3???  
[Santa-na] don't be tacky and nominate yourself  
[JesusesDaddy] I'm nominating YOU LA LOPEZ  
[HolidayHobbit] here we go  
[Mistlehoe] she dated me  
[BaubleBoy] yeah we all know :/  
[JesusesDaddy] and me  
[Santa-na] sex isn't dating  
[Santaslittlehelper] She's also dated me  
[VirginMary] and slept with me  
[LittleDrummerBoy] and me  
[HolidayHobbit] FINN!!!!!! I Dont need reminding of that  
[BaubleBoy] and what about Dani???  
[Santa-na] oh yeah she was so hot  
[CandyBlaine] also what about that sexual tension WITH Sebastian  
[Mistlehoe] oh NO YOU DIDN'T  
[JesusesDaddy] and that hot Spanish teacher  
[Santaslittlehelper] Mr Schue???  
[TinselTina] Ewww Brittany no  
[BaubleBoy] oh he was handsome  
[Santa-na] fine keep this rolling who's next  
[SantasSleigh] surely it has to be Puck now?  
[LittleDrummerBoy] yes boy is a man whore  
[JesusesDaddy] FINN!!! YOU SUPPOSED TO BE MY BOY  
[LittleDrummerBoy] yeah sorry I'm just feeling a little sassy  
[BaubleBoy] Sassy? Finn you have been my brother too long!!!  
[Santa-na] Puckerman is absolutely next, Me, Quinn, Rachel, Santana, Shelby, Brittany, Lauren, dated Mercedes, Kitty  
[Mistlehoe] wow you a slut  
[Santa-na] don't slut shame me Evans  
[BaubleBoy] boys come on  
[Santa-na] *waits for it  
[TinselTina] (Mr Schue voice) COME ON GUYS NO FIGHTING WE'RE A FAMILY  
[VirginMary] Oh please  
[Santa-na] She has a family she's a mother  
[Mistlehoe] YOU HAD A BOOB JOB  
[Santa-na] sure did *slap  
[VirginMary] this isn't even in the right order  
[Santaslittlehelper] Stop the violence  
[HolidayHobbit] so who's at number 5?  
[CandyBlaine] Quinn  
[VirginMary] excuse me!!!??  
[CandyBlaine] Finn, Puck, Sam, Finn again, Puck again, Santana, Biff, Puck again again, oh and that professor  
[VirginMary] OK fine I'll take that  
[BaubleBoy] I think it's Brittany next  
[TinselTina] to be fair Brittany haven't you supposedly made out with everyone in the school?  
[Santaslittlehelper] almost except like you and Mercedes  
[Santa-na] I think Rachel is next, Finn, Puck, Jesse, Finn, Puck, Jesse, plastic man, Tried to date Sam, unresolved sexual tension with your dance teacher  
[LittleDrummerBoy] wow Rachel  
[HolidayHobbit] Well you are next Finn since you can't decide between me or Quinn and you kissed Ms Pillsbury, went on a date with Brittany and I haven't forgetten that you got jiggy with Santana  
[Santa-na] imma throw up tik tok in assembly style  
[Mistlehoe] NEXT NEXT  
[BaubleBoy] Blaines pretty slutty  
[CandyBlaine] huh what!!!  
[BaubleBoy] REMEMBER THE LIGHTHOUSE BLAINE  
[Mistlehoe] oooooof mic drop *explosivenoises  
[Santaslittlehelper] I think Kurt is next, he dated me makes him a little slutty  
[Santa-na] TINA COHEN CHANG  
[TinselTina] Omg what!!??  
[Santa-na] Artie, Mike, and Sam plus every gay man on the planet I think makes you number 11  
[MikeChangmass] I'm number 12, its a good number and I'm barely slutty  
[TreetopAngel] so I'm last on the list?? PRAISE!!!!!! Where I should be  
[SantasSleigh] well so glad we've spent this festive evening discussing this  
[Mistlehoe] so did everyone love their presents from ME???  
[BaubleBoy] yes Sam we are thoroughly thrilled with a topless 12 month calendar of you  
[Mistlehoe] alright alright alright  
[Santaslittlehelper] oh that's you? I thought it was Quinn  
[VirginMary] what? How can you not tell us apart, we literally saw you like 2 days ago  
[Santaslittlehelper] whatever Kitty  
[Santa-na] oh no no no, I know that little witch was Artie's girlfriend at one point but we do not compare her to Quinn  
[SantasSleigh] I really miss Kitty :(  
[TinselTina] maybe you shouldnt of dumped her  
[HolidayHobbit] Well I for one I'm glad the holiday season is nearly over, back to normality  
[JesusesDaddy] Hello New Years baby  
[Santaslittlehelper] COUNTDOWN  
[CandyBlaine] Shall we all drink hot chocolate and watch one last holiday movie together?  
[TreetopAngel] yeah we can all zoom <3  
[MikeChangmass] ELF ELF ELF  
[TinselTina] Mike wants to watch ELF  
[SantasSleigh] Elf it is  
[LittleDrummerBoy] I don't understand this zoom thingy, why is Kurt wearing a silk robe?  
[TreetopAngel] Sam why are you shirtless?  
[Mistlehoe] I knew I was forgetting something lol  
[HolidayHobbit] Blaine has made us delicious holiday cocktail  
[SantasSleigh] is 3 parts hair gel and 1 part cronut?  
[JesusesDaddy] nothing beats a little sip of the Puckerman punch  
[Santa-na] I don't know I've heard sour Rachel Berry juice is pretty great  
[TreetopAngel] can you all stop texting and watch the movie??  
[HolidayHobbit] btw Quinn I love my super festive new reindeer sweater  
[Santa-na] gay  
[VirginMary] it's alright Rachel, it looks lovely  
[Santa-na] and when you thought it couldn't get any gayer  
[Mistlehoe] a wild Blaine appears  
[CandyBlaine] btw Puck the glittery rainbow hair gel is appreciated but very messy  
[JesusesDaddy] dude I knew you would love it I saw it and thought who do I know that's gay and loves hair gel?  
[BaubleBoy] aww Noah Puckerman our number one straight Ally  
[JesusesDaddy] I wear that rainbow shit with proud man  
[TreetopAngel] mmmm hmm Puckerman you get down off your high horse because I am the number one straight ally  
[Mistlehoe] Baby bi bi bi...... Bi bi  
[VirginMary] that's very clever Sam  
[Santaslittlehelper] Sam where are you going!?  
[Santa-na] Tina I must say the framed sheet music for trouty Mouth looks beautiful on the piano  
[TinselTina] I knew you'd love it  
[MikeChangmass] thankyou for my book of crayon drawings Brittany  
[Santaslittlehelper] I love you Mike Chang  
[LittleDrummerBoy] IS Tina crying???  
[SantasSleigh] oh for God sake Tina!!!  
[TinselTina] this is all so emotional I love you guys so much  
[Santa-na] Tina stop that <3  
[VirginMary] can I just say who bought me the candle with me dressed as the virgin Mary on it?  
[Santa-na] obviously me  
[JesusesDaddy] I really enjoyed it when the Unholy Trinity and Sam performed jingle Bell rock from mean girls  
[BaubleBoy] of course you did  
[CandyBlaine] it was an event  
[Mistlehoe] not to be missed  
[Santa-na] look Christmas is over now can I go back to being a raging bitch???  
[HolidayHobbit] can you not pretend that you aren't snuggled up next to Sam platonic cuddling whilst Kurt is playing with your hair?  
[Santa-na] go away Berry, just because Blaines now asleep and you have no one to cuddle  
[TinselTina] awww Rachel I'd come round and snuggle you but I don't wanna  
[HolidayHobbit] WHO EVEN ARE YOU TINA??????????  
[Santa-na] let's say it all together now  
[BaubleBoy] *aggressively* WHO WROTE THIS TINA???  
[Santa-na] wanky, just wanky


	21. The One with the hokey cokey

[NoahsArk] things Quinn Fabray says during sex  
[TroutyMouth] let's pray  
[Satan-na] I'm not a lesbian but let's do that again  
[LadyFabray] Funny  
[NoahsArk] Rachel Berry go  
[Wheels] I hope I get a solo after this  
[Satan-na] I think I'll reward Finn with a gold star after this  
[Troll] this isn't funny stop it  
[GirlChang] keep this rolling it's hilarious  
[NoahsArk] Finn Hudson  
[TroutyMouth] says nothing *kicks chair  
[Satan-na] ^^^^^^^ *does nothing  
[Finnocence] THAT'S SO RUDE  
[Brit-tanynotspears] But does magic Mike have the moves?  
[GirlChang] I can confirm  
[LadyHummel] Blaine thinks about cronuts during sex  
[Bowtie] whatever Kurt you don't pull any moves you just do that weird shoulder shimmy thing  
[TroutyMouth] pfft I have the best white chocolate moves  
[Satan-na] you probably do Matthew McConaughey impressions and say words out loud in Na'vi  
[NoahsArk] what the hell is Navi?  
[Satan-na] its Na'vi Puckerman  
[TroutyMouth] Santana the fact that you put the apostrophe in the word shows you up for being a total dork  
[Satan-na] shut your trout hole  
[MsJones] wait are you two actually fighting?  
[TroutyMouth] she threw all my chapsticks out the window  
[GirlChang] jeez  
[Wheels] seriously???  
[Satan-na] I told him not to tickle me  
[LadyFabray] and that's what you two are fighting about!?  
[Troll] yes it's been like this for 2 hours now  
[Satan-na] you can be quiet as well  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Santana what's up with you?  
[TroutyMouth] I said I'm sorry, how can I make it up to you?  
[Satan-na] put on one of Rachel's reindeer sweaters and watch Dork movies with me  
[NoahsArk] awwww are we all friends again?  
[Finnocence] PUCK!!!!!  
[NoahsArk] what did I do????  
[Finnocence] I've forgotten  
[Brit-tanynotspears] sometimes I forget to put underwear on  
[GirlChang] good to know :/  
[LadyFabray] Why is this group chat always about who's fighting with who or who wants to sleep with who this week? Why can't it ever be oh did you read that really great book? Or hey Quinn you look pretty today  
[Satan-na] who pissed in your granola?  
[TroutyMouth] LOL Quinn clearly none of us read....  
[GirlChang] excuse me I read  
[Wheels] horoscopes don't count Tina  
[TroutyMouth] Astrology bitch  
[Brit-tanynotspears] every friendship group has......  
[NoahsArk] big titty identity Crisis  
[Satan-na] I will punch you if you are talking about me  
[NoahsArk] calm down they are good boobs  
[Brit-tanynotspears] the best  
[LadyFabray] can you stop quoting from tik tok?  
[Bowtie] don't be such a snob Quinn  
[Satan-na] Omg did Blaine put on his big boy pants today  
[TroutyMouth] I literally just choked on my drink LOL  
[Satan-na] how could you choke? Can't you collect enough water in your giant mouth to keep you hydrated for a month?  
[TroutyMouth] I'm not a Camel Santana  
[Satan-na] alright encyclopedia bitch  
[MsJones] you two exhaust me  
[Finnocence] I tried to collect rain water in my mouth once  
[NoahsArk] wtf Finn???  
[ImMikeChang™] I feel like you guys just need to all hug it out  
[Wheels] you high?  
[ImMikeChang™] no just chill... No drama  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Where's Puck?  
[NoahsArk] in my room  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Can we play a prank on Finn?  
[Finnocence] I'm right here  
[Brit-tanynotspears] go away a minute  
[Finnocence] Erm  
[LadyFabray] oh for fucks sake  
[Satan-na] are you hormonal?  
[NoahsArk] me?? No I mean my boobs are a little sore but..  
[MsJones] bye  
[Troll] I think Santana was talking to Quinn  
[Satan-na] yes I was Berry, stop trying to get Quinn's attention  
[Wheels] not a Fabery shipper ^^^^  
[LadyHummel] I am a Quinntana shipper all the way  
[Satan-na] Lady Hummel that is so touching  
[NoahsArk] I mean the passion, the fire, the enemies, best friends to lovers trope is perfect... I ship it... Plus you are both hot  
[TroutyMouth] mic drop  
[Brit-tanynotspears] stop dropping Mike  
[ImMikeChang™] never change Brittany never change <3  
[Bowtie] Puck are you are Quinntana shipper too?  
[NoahsArk] Totes.... Blam, Tike, and Quinntana are my favourite ships  
[GirlChang] Awwwww PUCK <3  
[LadyFabray] you are all insane  
[Finnocence] Imagine their wedding vows  
[TroutyMouth] you did this to me, you made me your wife  
[GirlChang] yeah sure did *slaps  
[LadyFabray] stop this now  
[Troll] I actually dig this sapphic ship  
[Satan-na] Rachel is our favourite straight lesbian  
[Troll] I don't know what that even means  
[Satan-na] sure thing ;) don't try and ever make out with me again  
[Bowtie] tbf everyone wants to make out with you Santana  
[LadyHummel] OK Blaine, show yourself up  
[TroutyMouth] show yourself out the door  
[Bowtie] Sam stop picking fights  
[Satan-na] don't start ON Sam  
[Wheels] excellent well done Blaine now look what you've done  
[MsJones] I love them both dearly but I think sometimes if you kicked Samtana out of the group chat it would run alot smoother.  
[LadyHummel] Mercedes Jones the voice of God and reason  
[Finnocence] who would be in charge then  
[GirlChang] God no.... RACHEL would just make a group chat  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Artie shouts preach during sex  
[Wheels] WTF BRITTANY  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I forgot what we were talking about  
[Satan-na] LISTEN Mercedes Jones I will not leave this group chat, Sam and I are the gift that keeps on giving....  
[LadyHummel] I'd like to return this gift  
[Troll] Do you guys really think I have a crush on Quinn  
[LadyFabray] oh my God. I hate my life  
[Finnocence] tbf I think you do, even when we dated for the first time I kind of felt you were into Quinn and I'm an idiot  
[Troll] this is ridiculous  
[Satan-na] and so is the fact that Kurt is running around making you special tea for your voice  
[Troll] I'm resting  
[LadyHummel] I'm not Rachel's bitch  
[TroutyMouth] debatable  
[LadyHummel] sorry aren't you Santana's bitch?  
[TroutyMouth] always  
[Satan-na] <3  
[ImMikeChang™] I think we should go camping  
[Satan-na] do I look like Dora the explorer?  
[GirlChang] Mike that's extremely random  
[ImMikeChang™] not really, I think it will help us all to bond  
[LadyHummel] we are all basically incestuous I don't think we need to bond anymore  
[NoahsArk] I don't think there's a combination here we haven't tried  
[Finnocence] Ew Kurt's my actual brother  
[TroutyMouth] I've run out of options tbh  
[LadyHummel] leave Blaine alone  
[TroutyMouth] why do you assume Blaine is my number one choice?  
[GirlChang] one word BLAM  
[Bowtie] I'm over my crush on Sam  
[Brit-tanynotspears] LIES  
[Troll] look why don't we try what Quinn said and talk about normal things  
[Satan-na] stop dry humping Fabray  
[Wheels] So let's try it  
[LadyFabray] please don't dry hump me  
[Troll] so what did everybody do today?  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Made all of Finn's t shirts tie dye  
[TroutyMouth] Artie did you go to the STI clinic?  
[Wheels] no I went to class and made dinner with Tina  
[LadyFabray] I wrote a paper, went to a new coffee shop and did some yoga  
[MsJones] ^^^ lol you my favourite white girl Quinn, bet you love a pumpkin spice latte too?  
[LadyFabray] <3 Love you Mercedes you are so very accurate  
[Satan-na] pumpkin spice lattes are delicious  
[NoahsArk] thought you'd be a black espresso kind of girl?  
[Satan-na] sorry do you still drink warm milk and cookies Puckerman?  
[NoahsArk] I'm telling you.... That's a delicious treat  
[TroutyMouth] last night Santana and I tried to fit as many oreos in my mouth as we could.  
[Troll] yes and you left the crumbs everywhere  
[Bowtie] so I found a new bakery today  
[LadyHummel] oh Blaine no  
[Troll] does anybody want to hear what I did today?  
[GirlChang] no not really  
[LadyFabray] not particularly  
[Satan-na] did anybody hear that?  
[Finnocence] I do Rachel  
[Troll] so I think I booked a commercial for shampoo  
[Brit-tanynotspears] will you be drinking it?  
[MsJones] GIRL LOL PRAISE.  
[Wheels] I love how Brittany always just pops in every now and then with a gem and then leaves again  
[Satan-na] a bit like Jesse st Jerk  
[Finnocence] DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME  
[NoahsArk] I'd like to punch that dude  
[LadyFabray] he's very handsome and charming though  
[Satan-na] lies Quinn Fabray, you've never found a man handsome and charming  
[TroutyMouth] *cough  
[NoahsArk] *folds arm  
[Finnocence] *taps foot  
[Satan-na] oh looks like me and Fabray have the same taste in men  
[MsJones] none??!!  
[Wheels] LOL Ms Jones has entered the chat  
[TroutyMouth] oh boy I am hurt  
[LadyHummel] did you try count to 10 again!!??  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Sam is Smart!!!!!!!  
[Satan-na] Look Lady Hummel, Sam is Brittana's number one Stan  
[TroutyMouth] I love all my ex girlfriends  
[NoahsArk] isn't Santana you're fake wife?  
[Satan-na] and what of it?  
[GirlChang] I like all the couples  
[Wheels] Tina you are just a fan girl  
[ImMikeChang™] OK who here SHIPS Finchel?  
[MsJones] I hate ship names so trashy  
[Satan-na] babe we are trashy people  
[Brit-tanynotspears] nobody ships Finchel, I like Rachel and Puck  
[Satan-na] imma say it I low key like Rachel and Puck  
[NoahsArk] I KNEW YOU WERE A SECRET PUCKLEBERRY SHIPPER  
[Troll] is that why you never tried to fight with me over Puck, when you did with everyone else who tried to date him?  
[Satan-na] look I think you look cute together, have nice chemistry and I'm a sucker for people I pretend to hate but actually like.  
[Bowtie] isn't that all of us?  
[GirlChang] So who's president of the Klaine ship?  
[Troll] MEEEE <3 MY FAVOURITE  
[Finnocence] I Ship Tike  
[MsJones] King and Queen, I think they are my favourite too sorry everyone else  
[Wheels] I have to say I kind of dig PUCKLEBERRY too  
[Finnocence] shall I just leave now?  
[Satan-na] could you leave behind your giant shoes so we can all go row boating in them?  
[LadyFabray] Marry Me?  
[TroutyMouth] what just happened?  
[LadyFabray] Santana is the woman for me!  
[TroutyMouth] I will divorce her for you  
[Satan-na] Fabgay did you just propose to me?  
[LadyFabray] it just slipped out  
[Troll] Well I had no idea Quinn I must say I am truly shocked  
[LadyFabray] what did you have no idea about???  
[Troll] about this love you had for Santana  
[Finnocence] I smell jealousy  
[TroutyMouth] The GAY JUMPED OUT  
[GirlChang] Bisexual Barbie  
[LadyFabray] I feel quite attacked  
[Bowtie] OMG RAINBOW CRONUTS  
[LadyHummel] No Blaine not now  
[TroutyMouth] I wanna move out  
[Troll] this isn't about you  
[Satan-na] Sam let's move out.. Get our own apartment and then the gay can jump in and out as it pleases  
[TroutyMouth] THE GAY HOKEY COKEY  
[NoahsArk] and what if that's what it's all about? 

[Troll] has left the chat 

[ImMikeChang™] oh bye Rachel  
[MsJones] She mad???  
[Finnocence] probs pissed because Quinn doesn't love her  
[NoahsArk] Bisexual Berry has left the chat  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Don't let her back in  
[GirlChang] She obviously doesn't want to shake it all about  
[Wheels] she does but with Quinn  
[Bowtie] guys this is mean  
[Satan-na] oh please she brings it on herself  
[TroutyMouth] IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA  
[LadyHummel] I guess I'll go deal with dramatically crying Rachel then  
[LadyFabray] would be wise  
[Satan-na] off you go  
[TroutyMouth] So should I pack my bags or????  
[Satan-na] Hey Quinn call me ;)  
[Brit-tanynotspears] unholy trinity hotline ;)  
[TroutyMouth] I now self identify as a lesbian  
[Satan-na] I mean that makes alot of sense  
[LadyFabray] Sam is now one of us <3  
[TroutyMouth] WHERE DO I SIGN UP?  
[Satan-na] Sam Evans Americas favourite lesbian


	22. The One With The Summer Plans

[Troll] where are all my socks?  
[LadyFabray] the most uninteresting person of the year award goes to.....  
[Troll] not now Quinn  
[Satan-na] Yes now  
[TroutyMouth] Oh we made them into a blanket  
[Troll] YOU DID WHAT???!!!  
[Brit-tanynotspears] woah woah WOAH who's shouting  
[GirlChang] guys you didn't tell me they were Rachel's socks you asked me to stich together to make a blanket  
[Satan-na] Well now you've spoiled your own birthday present Rachel  
[Troll] am I supposed to be grateful?  
[TroutyMouth] its kind of rude if you aren't  
[Satan-na] this is one thing I love about Trouty here, he's such a polite boy  
[TroutyMouth] Santana keeps everything she likes about me in a notebook  
[ImMikeChang™] not the notebook  
[NoahsArk] I love that movie  
[Finnocence] Dude.... That's a girls movie  
[NoahsArk] so what??? I'm a weepy guy  
[LadyHummel] spoken by mr former tough guy  
[Brit-tanynotspears] this is why we watch movies without you Finn  
[Finnocence] That hurts  
[Troll] Hello can we talk about how I have no socks and how you stole my belongings  
[Satan-na] Rachel Berry so dramatic  
[Brit-tanynotspears] so dramatic  
[TroutyMouth] don't worry Rachel we ordered you some new ones  
[Satan-na] with our faces on  
[Troll] of course you did  
[Wheels] I regret looking at these notifications sometimes  
[MsJones] This is why I zone out and put it on mute, Tina and I have a separate group chat for our own gossip  
[NoahsArk] what and I'm excluded?  
[MsJones] you have your little nerd club or whatever it is   
[TroutyMouth] The Riverdale fan club group chat??   
[Wheels] :/  
[Satan-na] Sam!!!!!!!! That's just a you and I thing   
[LadyFabray] that show is absolute garbage   
[GirlChang] Erm and I still enjoy it   
[TroutyMouth] Tina you wanna join the group chat?? Who's your favourite character?   
[GirlChang] Kevin <3 he's so cute   
[Bowtie] he's gay Tina   
[GirlChang] so he's still cute   
[TroutyMouth] Blaine you watch Riverdale?   
[Bowtie] of course I do, the male population of that show are very attractive and I like the retro vibe   
[Satan-na] Betty Cooper is a babe   
[TroutyMouth] because she's blonde right???   
[Satan-na] Tina used to be permanently attached to a beanie she can be Jughead   
[GirlChang] LOL YOU BITCH   
[Satan-na] love ya   
[GirlChang] Always xoxo  
[TroutyMouth] OMG TINA COHEN CHANG IS GOSSIP GIRL  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I thought Blaine was Blair Waldrof   
[Bowtie] what why???   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I dunno Blair Waldrof, Blaine Warbler sounds the same to me   
[TroutyMouth] legit   
[LadyHummel] Are you still talking about trashy television shows?   
[LadyFabray] yes they are...   
[NoahsArk] I love trash TV   
[Satan-na] you like watching those cow auction programmes   
[Finnocence] I love those   
[LadyFabray] inbreds the pair of you   
[Satan-na] Listen Princess Margaret watching cow auction TV whilst high as a kite is the best way to live   
[TroutyMouth] True Jackson VP!!!!   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I'm Lizzie McGuire   
[ImMikeChang™] Hey now hey now this is what dreams are made of   
[Troll] just checking back in what are we talking about???   
[MsJones] apparently what your favourite tween TV show is *sigh  
[Satan-na] Quinn Fabray is Hannah Montana because she leads a double life   
[LadyFabray] I'll slap you again   
[Santa-na] I'd like that   
[Wheels] I kind of like Victorious   
[TroutyMouth] CHICAGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
[Satan-na] Rachel is as annoying as Trina Vega   
[GirlChang] I low key loved wizards of waverly place   
[TroutyMouth] Ooooh Selena Gomez <3   
[Finnocence] Sam do you watch every Disney / Nickelodeon show?   
[NoahsArk] Dude leave him be, he's so happy, I bet his smile his huge   
[Satan-na] Wanky   
[Finnocence] I'm getting a gay vibe from Sam and Puck   
[Bowtie] you are imagining things   
[LadyHummel] you're jealous   
[Bowtie] why??? I'm not even into Puck   
[Satan-na] that was a major slip up   
[TroutyMouth] are you admitting the undying love you have for me Blaine Warbler?   
[Bowtie] I don't feel that way about you, I mean I don't even find you that attractive   
[Satan-na] LIES... everybody finds Sam attractive even me and I'm lebanese   
[TroutyMouth] it's the lips isn't it?   
[Satan-na] and the magic sex dance   
[Brit-tanynotspears] Blaine just admit you wanna make out with Sam  
[GirlChang] I mean Sam's made out with every girl here it's just a matter of time before he starts on the guys   
[LadyHummel] count me out   
[Wheels] and me   
[NoahsArk] nah I'm in   
[I'mMikeChang™] my beautiful Sam   
[LadyFabray] look this isn't the I've kissed Sam Evans and I'm confused about it club   
[Satan-na] alright imma head out   
[Wheels] Tina, Brittany, Rachel, Mercedes, Quinn and Santana have left the chat   
[NoahsArk] Blaine is sweating   
[ImMikeChang™] would you like a tall glass drink of white chocolate Blaine?   
[MsJones] OK I'm wheezing   
[Satan-na] ^^^^my girl wheezy is in the room   
[MsJones] My girl Satan <3   
[Bowtie] I don't want any white chocolate thank you   
[TroutyMouth] not even if I do one of my signature body rolls?   
[NoahsArk] *wolf whistles  
[Satan-na] Dollar dollar bills y'all   
[LadyHummel] I'm honestly over all of this   
[GirlChang] Kurt what do you even add to this group chat???   
[Finnocence] WOAH TINA   
[Troll] why do you always comment on Tina? Are you in love with her or something   
[NoahsArk] Well imma head out   
[Satan-na] Puckerman sit back, crack open a cold cold beer and watch this shit go down   
[GirlChang] Listen Rachel Berry I've played second fiddle to you for years now so if Finn wants to get up all in Queen T's grill I'm gonna let him...   
[Troll] what about Mike?   
[ImMikeChang™] Tina's messing with you   
[Finnocence] I've already told you I think Tina's really beautiful, I was just surprised by Tina's outburst that's all   
[Brit-tanynotspears] you need to calm down Rachel   
[Troll] you are right Brittany stress isn't good for my vocal Chords   
[TroutyMouth] you should take a vow of silence   
[Satan-na] for a really long time   
[LadyFabray] and move somewhere really far away   
[LadyHummel] that's enough all of you   
[Wheels] And Kurt's back in the room   
[Satan-na] oh he looks pissed, he might poke either Sam or I's eye out with his hippopotamus broach   
[LadyHummel] apologise to Rachel please   
[TroutyMouth] I'm really sorry Rachel, we didn't mean to upset you I'm sorry if I've caused any offence   
[Satan-na] Sorry Rachel, I love you very much I didn't mean to hurt your feelings I hope we can remain friends   
[MsJones] did you two just Google apologies?  
[Wheels] I'm crying with laughter these two are fucking genius   
[Troll] very sincere thankyou :/   
[Finnocence] I'm sorry Rachel, I think you are the most beautiful girl in the world, I think all the other girls in the group chat are less beautiful than you   
[Bowtie] did Siri write these?   
[Finnocence] Although Tina does have bigger boobs than you   
[LadyFabray] FFS FINN   
[Satan-na] Quinny Fabgay has returned to the conversation   
[LadyFabray] Hello Santana   
[TroutyMouth] Send yourself saying that in a voice note   
[LadyFabray] why?   
[TroutyMouth] Santana likes your sexy low speaking voice, turns her on  
[Satan-na] Thankyou for exposing me you bastard   
[TroutyMouth] exposing you would be telling everyone that you have a care bear called Sam who you cuddle every night   
[ImMikeChang™] whelp   
[NoahsArk] Awww does ittie bittie baby like her Teddy bear?   
[Finnocence] watch it Puck, It's Sam's job to hold her back if she's pissed at him he ain't gonna stop her if she's wants to punch you   
[Satan-na] Oh well Mr Manly Sam I am is sooo scared of the little spiders that I have to get rid of them for him so he can go to sleep or that he sleeps with a brunette smurfette Teddy that he calls Santana   
[MsJones] how does it somehow always end up with these two in shenanigans?   
[GirlChang] and to think this is all Quinn Fabray and her sexy speaking voices fault   
[ImMikeChang™] Tina are you Quinnsexual too?   
[Troll] *Sigh   
[LadyFabray] I think you all just need to calm down   
[Bowtie] You caused a sex riot   
[TroutyMouth] Santana I'm hungry shall we go eat?   
[Satan-na] Yeah sure, wanna go for pizza and then get   
Wasted on cheap alcohol?  
[TroutyMouth] I'm down  
[Troll] wait I'm confused are you two not fighting now?  
[Satan-na] we just fight for something to do  
[Wheels] how about getting a hobby instead?  
[TroutyMouth] in the summer we are going to chase twisters across America  
[Finnocence] I saw a movie about that once  
[NoahsArk] That sounds awesome can I come?  
[Satan-na] I mean sure if you want, anyone else?  
[MsJones] count me out, my hair will get ruined in the wind  
[LadyHummel] Yeah it doesn't sound like something I'd be into  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Why don't we go on our own road trip and look for unicorns?  
[LadyHummel] you know what OK why not  
[Brit-tanynotspears] KURTNEY IS REAL  
[Bowtie] oh I think I'll come with you guys the twister thing would not be good for my hair, even the amount of gel in my hair couldn't withstand a twister  
[TroutyMouth] fuck you Blaine  
[Bowtie] what???!!!  
[TroutyMouth] betrayal  
[Troll] Well I think both of these things sound ridiculous  
[Finnocence] I wanna go hunt twisters  
[Troll] Finn!!!!!!!  
[GirlChang] well we thought about going to Long Island for a beach vacation this summer  
[Wheels] great now you've invited everyone!!!  
[LadyFabray] this sounds delightful I'm in  
[ImMikeChang™] come on everyone, one big party house?????  
[Satan-na] well you won me over  
[TroutyMouth] Erm can we still go and chase twisters before???  
[Satan-na] obviously of course  
[Brit-tanynotspears] it's going to be like a summer slasher murder camp  
[Troll] pardon me???  
[GirlChang] lol Brittany no its going to be a beach house, I'll send you some pictures  
[Brit-tanynotspears] everyone in swim wear yasssssss  
[TroutyMouth] life guard on duty  
[Satan-na] watch Blaine pretend to drown just so he can get a kiss from Sam  
[Bowtie] SHUTUP Santana  
[TroutyMouth] if he wants a kiss he can have one he doesn't need to drown   
[NoahsArk] I fucking love this group chat   
[Satan-na] we love you Puckerman   
[NoahsArk] <3 aww that's so nice   
[LadyFabray] I think this will either be a lovely time or the worst idea ever  
[MsJones] who knows? Expect the unexpected   
[Brit-tanynotspears] I don't wanna wait til summer :(  
[Satan-na] the time will go by Brit then we'll all be together   
[TroutyMouth] we're all in This together   
[Finnocence] Get your head in the game   
[NoahsArk] we're soaring, flying   
[Satan-na] dorks   
[Wheels] literally   
[Troll] Oh My God why have I just seen Sam leaving the loft wearing one of my bras as earmuffs?????   
[Satan-na] it's not like you need it anyway   
[GirlChang] LOL LOL LOL   
[Satan-na] he gets cold he's from Kentucky   
[LadyFabray] you are such a lovely person Santana this is why I love you   
[TroutyMouth] Santana loves Taylor Swift   
[Satan-na] THAT'S IT NO ME GUSTA I'm going to hunt you down...   
[LadyHummel] Give me strength


	23. The One Where It's Valentines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day *
> 
> *I low key hate it though 😂

[GirlChang] Guys it's nearly valentines day <3  
[ImMikeChang™] Awwww Tina your favourite holiday  
[Satan-na] aww will you be making baby Changs all day?  
[MsJones] Santana!!! Don't be crude  
[LadyHummel] she's just pissed because she hates valentines day  
[LadyFabray] oh please, we slept together on Valentines day that's basically the most romantic thing you've ever heard  
[Satan-na] Yeah so much for I'm not that Into that *cough *cough  
[Bowtie] I love Valentines, Tina I've made you a galentines day card <3  
[Satan-na] GAG  
[GirlChang] Blainey days <3  
[Troll] why is there macaroni everywhere?  
[Bowtie] Sam's been making friend valentines day cards  
[LadyHummel] oh I can't wait for those  
[TroutyMouth] I worked really hard on them I hope you all love them  
[Wheels] mine better not be a macaroni wheelchair :/  
[Bowtie] be grateful I'm pretty sure mines a macaroni penis  
[Finnocence] it's valentines day????  
[NoahsArk] dude!!!! Rachel deserves better than you  
[Troll] thankyou Noah <3  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Puckelberry is back!!!  
[Troll] what, no it's not, Finn is just forgetful  
[Satan-na] Finn is a fucking idiot  
[Wheels] oh shit  
[Finnocence] Whatever *kickschair  
[NoahsArk] are you trolling yourself?  
[MsJones] pass me an inhaler wheezy is struggling to breathe from laughing here  
[Satan-na] I love you so much Mercedes Jones  
[Wheels] Respect  
[LadyFabray] The we love Mercedes Jones fan club  
[NoahsArk] ain't nobodies Kelly Rowland  
[GirlChang] the cream and not the skimmed milk  
[ImMikeChang™] My other Valentine  
[LadyHummel] My very best friend  
[Troll] your very best friend other than Rachel  
[LadyHummel] of course Rachel  
[MsJones] Guys this love is amazing <3  
[Satan-na] Blaine stop eating all of Sam's Macaroni for his art projects  
[Bowtie] I was hungry and there was nothing to eat  
[TroutyMouth] so then go shopping, now I don't have enough macaroni for Santana's friend valentines day card  
[Satan-na] er it better say to my wife on valentines day  
[TroutyMouth] I thought you divorced me for Quinn?  
[Satan-na] no we are actually still legally married  
[TroutyMouth] I don't understand anything like that  
[Satan-na] look let's just stay married I don't trust anyone else enough to pull the plug on me if I'm about to die  
[NoahsArk] Lol, it's alright Finn would trip over the wire and pull the plug for you  
[Finnocence] I hate you both  
[Satan-na] Rachel would sit by my bedside keeping vigil and crying with a song from some Broadway show way back when  
[MsJones] if you was in a coma I'd keep your hair good  
[Brit-tanynotspears] I'd get Lord Tubbington to read to you  
[Satan-na] thankyou Brit <3  
[GirlChang] so what are everybody's Valentines Plans??  
[Satan-na] oh shutup Tina  
[GirlChang] come one Santana...... <3  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Me, Puck and Finn are going on a threeway friend date  
[NoahsArk] Finn would not be my dude of choice for a threeway  
[Troll] I wish I could come out to LA to see you Finn but I'm so busy with school  
[Finnocence] it's cool, I totally forgot anyway  
[LadyFabray] I think there's some valentines sorority mixer party  
[Satan-na] ooooh pledging at the KKK  
[MsJones] Omg please I'm crying  
[LadyFabray] Please don't make fun of me, I like being in a sorority  
[NoahsArk] think about it SANTANA, SHE'S surrounded by girls all the time  
[TroutyMouth] SINGS..... SEXUAL TENSION  
[LadyHummel] Blaine and I are staying in a hotel and having a romantic dinner and going to see a show  
[Satan-na] YAWWWNNNN  
[Bowtie] Rachel do you have any plans?  
[Troll] Well actually I was asked to sing at callbacks for a special valentines evening sing a long  
[ImMikeChang™] me and Tina are off to a cabin upstate for a romantic cabin break  
[Satan-na] sounds murdery  
[TroutyMouth] sounds like they are just going to have a lot of sex and don't want Artie listening  
[Wheels] I'm literally going on a date with a girl from school  
[LadyFabray] Mercedes what are your plans?  
[MsJones] so ive been meaning to tell you guys, I've kind of been seeing Joe  
[NoahsArk] Jesus Joe?  
[MsJones] yes, he got in touch on my Instagram  
[Satan-na] did he slide into your Dms?  
[MsJones] yes but not in a trashy way, he's really sweet and spritiual and he's been helping me write songs  
[LadyFabray] Joe's a really good guy and I think you'll be good for each other  
[NoahsArk] plus he's very good looking  
[Satan-na] Puck is low key bisexual  
[TroutyMouth] aren't we all?  
[Wheels] don't start this again  
[GirlChang] Sam what are your VD plans  
[TroutyMouth] I am spending the day in my underpants and crying that I'm single  
[Satan-na] you aren't, you can take your favourite lesbian ex girlfriend out  
[TroutyMouth] Quinn???  
[NoahsArk] LOL LOL LOL  
[LadyFabray] Very funny Sam  
[Satan-na] that's never amusing  
[TroutyMouth] We could go out and pretend to be Justin and Selena again???  
[Satan-na] Totally.... Last time we got dinner for free hollllaaaaaa  
[Wheels] you two are insane  
[Brit-tanynotspears] why don't you two go to a lesbian bar?  
[TroutyMouth] I love lesbians  
[Satan-na] lesbians love you  
[TroutyMouth] it's the hair isn't it?  
[Satan-na] probably the plaid too  
[TroutyMouth] I won't find a date though in a lesbian bar and Santana won't because she doesn't know how to talk to girls  
[LadyFabray] LOL CAN CONFIRM  
[Brit-tanynotspears] no I spent forever hitting on her and she had no clue  
[Satan-na] I know how to talk to girls  
[Troll] you actually don't  
[TroutyMouth] for someone with a big ass mouth who's let's be honest pretty sexy you have no game  
[Satan-na] I am outraged, I managed to sleep with half of this groupchat  
[GirlChang] Okay more like a quarter but that's not the point  
[Brit-tanynotspears] thank God you are hot Santana  
[Bowtie] Maybe we should tutor Santana on how to talk to girls  
[Satan-na] coming from you??? The only girl you've ever kissed is Rachel Berry  
[Troll] what. A moment  
[LadyHummel] please don't remind me of that  
[NoahsArk] I could teach you  
[Satan-na] no thankyou  
[LadyFabray] Santana why don't we go on a date and I'll let you practice on me ;)  
[Satan-na] Sam Sam I'm panicking, Quinn's being sexual I don't know how to deal with it  
[Wheels] oh boy something tells me this was meant to be a private convo  
[TroutyMouth] I mean I don't really know how I can help  
[Satan-na] Oh God ..... Erm bye 

[Satan-na] has left the group chat 

[Finnocence] Santana has no game  
[NoahsArk] Dude neither do you  
[Finnocence] Erm I scored Rachel thanks  
[Troll] could you not talk about me like that  
[GirlChang] Sam is Santana OK???  
[TroutyMouth] She throwing stuff around my room but give her 10 minutes and she will be OK  
[LadyHummel] is she throwing your stuff???  
[TroutyMouth] no its Rachels  
[Troll] oh for goodness sake  
[LadyHummel] can you do something?  
[TroutyMouth] I'm not the Santana whisperer  
[LadyHummel] yes yes you are, everytime she goes off there you are making sure none of us get hurt  
[LadyFabray] that's not true he wasn't there that time we faught each other  
[Brit-tanynotspears] STOP THE VIOLENCE  
[Satan-na] I'm OK now  
[Bowtie] just like that???  
[Satan-na] can't remember why I was even angry now  
[GirlChang] So back to the romance <3  
[TroutyMouth] Tinaaaaaaa why are you so obsessed with valentines day?  
[GirlChang] just because you've already dated everyone here doesn't mean you can rain on my parade  
[Satan-na] ah copyright that is Rachel Berrys song  
[Troll] not now Santana  
[Satan-na] just saying  
[LadyHummel] please can we not fight about this song again?  
[Satan-na] calm down Judy Garland I was just letting Tina double C know it's Ms Rachel Berrys song  
[Wheels] So is the zoo a cute place to take a girl on a date for valentines?  
[GirlChang] yes yes yes, how come you were never this cute when we dated!  
[TroutyMouth] SLAM THAT DOOR TO THE PAST  
[ImMikeChang™] Tina I like to pretend you never dated Artie  
[Wheels] Erm this is awkward  
[NoahsArk] Artie man you always get the girls  
[Satan-na] Puck likes them more mature  
[Troll] please don't talk about my Mother like that  
[Satan-na] major mommy issues  
[Troll] I'm not afraid to slap you AGAIN Santana  
[TroutyMouth] there's so much violence in this gp and why is everyone always threatening to slap Santana?  
[GirlChang] I'd like to slap Santana for sexy reasons  
[MsJones] I'll slap her to put her in her place but she knooooows this  
[Bowtie] I'm too scared to even hug her  
[Satan-na] you can hug me  
[Bowtie] you terrify me  
[TroutyMouth] just pick her up, give her a squeeze and put her back down. She's like a cat, she might act pissed about it but she likes being petted really  
[Satan-na] Sam stfu  
[TroutyMouth] do you want me to really though?  
[Wheels] question when did you two even become close?  
[TroutyMouth] when I had to move to Kentucky NOBODY apart from Mercedes and Santana kept in touch , Santana used to send me copies of fishing magazines and fish memes and well I realised that she's a huge dork.  
[LadyHummel] so she sent you insults about your mouth and you call that a friendship?  
[ImMikeChang™] and the welcoming him back to school was very touching  
[Satan-na] I'd Just heard the news that trouty Mouth was back in town  
[Brit-tanynotspears] they should film this and make it into a lifetime movie  
[Wheels] I'll make it into a film  
[NoahsArk] can there be like an explosion?  
[Finnocence] yeah like what's the genre of this movie?  
[LadyFabray] OK who taught Finn the word genre?  
[Troll] I did actually  
[GirlChang] Sam did you just express delivery my Friend Valentines day card??  
<3  
[ImMikeChang] I just opened mine, it has a macaroni portrait of me dancing with the sentimental words written inside... Dude I'm sorry I kissed Tina once, she has great boobs... Ps I love you Mike... That's so sweet  
[GirlChang] Mine says if I was gay you'd marry me tomorrow Happy Valentines day love Sam ... Thanks Sam :/  
[Satan-na] Sam you are such a Troll lol  
[LadyFabray] Wow mine has a macaroni portrait of me praying and the words 'you forgot to save yourself for Jesus but at least you can't forget valentines day' thankyou Sam that's very lovely  
[Bowtie] Sam I absolutely love my Macaroni penis with the sentimental 'Maybe one day we'll do it it heaven' written in the inside  
[MsJones] Honestly please I cannot take any more or this  
[Satan-na] I gave Rachel a love coupon  
[Troll] I politely declined  
[TroutyMouth] Rachel's an idiot  
[Troll] Sam, you literally gave me a valentines day card with the words UGH spelled out in macaroni on it  
[Brit-tanynotspears] hahahahaahahah Sam you genius  
[Troll] Brittany what happened to our friendship???  
[Brit-tanynotspears] sorry I'm not even sure if I like you or not  
[LadyHummel] Well Blaine and I are going on our valentines vacation now  
[Satan-na] oh bye have a lovely time <3  
[Bowtie] Thankyou Santana <3  
[GirlChang] Happy Valentines Everyone <3 I love you all so much  
[LadyFabray] We love you too Tina  
[NoahsArk] Love you sexy people  
[Finnocence] so when is valentines day?  
[MsJones] ugh Finn 

....................... 

[LadyHummel] WHO THE HELL SWITCHED ALL THE STUFF IN OUR SUITCASES?????  
[TroutyMouth] LOL LOL LOL  
[Bowtie] not funny Sam you switched all my hair gel and Bowties for flavoured lube and what looks like a candy thong  
[Satan-na] I feel sick at the thought  
[NoahsArk] Samtana did you do this????  
[Satan-na] obviously  
[LadyHummel] I have a whole case of Rachel's sweaters.... No way am I wearing a fucking reindeer sweater  
[Brit-tanynotspears] the violent language  
[Troll] this is humiliating  
[TroutyMouth] Have a nice time <3  
[Bowtie] SAM!!!!!!!  
[Satan-na] sorry Samuel cannot come to the phone right now  
[TroutyMouth] Evan Evans here  
[GirlChang] may I remind you that it's valentines day let's be kind and romantic <3  
[Satan-na] I'm cutting you off 

[Satan-na] has removed [GirlChang] from the chat 

[Satan-na] no more fucking Valentines day crap  
[TroutyMouth] I bought you a present :(  
[NoahsArk] Well what is it?  
[Satan-na] IT'S A TROUT, MY OWN PET TROUTY!!!!  
[Brit-tanynotspears] is she crying??  
[TroutyMouth] ye she's pretty emotional 

......... 

[Troll] WHY THE HELL IS THERE A FISH IN THE BATH TUB?!! ???!!?!? ?!!


	24. The One With The Bangs

[NoahsArk] Finn have you been to the store?  
[Finnocence] no why?  
[NoahsArk] Brit needs her glitter  
[Brit-tanynotspears] hurry hurry  
[Wheels] I'm not here for grocery lists  
[GirlChang] we are here for the chaos  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Well right now I'm in the top 10 most popular people on Tik Tok so I need my props  
[Troll] oh that's Tina's job  
[GirlChang] yeah I'll just use my magical witch powers to beam stuff from NY to LA  
[Brit-tanynotspears] that would be great Tina thankyou  
[Finnocence] Puck why don't you go to the store  
[NoahsArk] I'm Brits manager and security detail  
[Satan-na] awww and Finns the whipping boy  
[Finnocence] Shutup Santana, I'm also a Tik Tok celebrity  
[LadyFabray] yes because you are the worlds worst dancer and people enjoy that greatly  
[Finnocence] Sam and Puck are also terrible dancers  
[Satan-na] objectively Puck is hotter than you so he can get away with it more and Sam does the white chocolate moves so nobody notices how terrible he is  
[TroutyMouth] thanks babe  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Santana speaks the truth and its not like I see the rest of you causing an international sensation on social media platforms.  
[TroutyMouth] Blaine uses tumblr  
[Satan-na] lol why?? Cronut aesthetics  
[Bowtie] What's wrong with tumblr?  
[LadyHummel] sorry don't you three read fanfiction?  
[Santa-na] and what of it???  
[TroutyMouth] sorry Kurt you are obsessed with Pininterest, I've seen all your hippotomos broach pins  
[Wheels] DEAD  
[NoahsArk] I actually like Pininterest  
[Satan-na] sorry??? Wtf???  
[NoahsArk] what??? I like the pretty pictures  
[GirlChang] Rachel is that annoying girl who has about 5000 Instagram stories a day  
[Brit-tanynotspears] hi I'm Rachel Berry and this is my breakfast smoothie the BERRY BLAST  
[MsJones] OH MY GOD lol  
[Satan-na] here's my 25th vocal warm up of the day, hear me shriek that top C6 note just so that I can prove I can do it  
[Troll] you guys are very mean, at least I'm not a Snapchat bore  
[ImMikeChang™] Santana's Snapchats are legendary  
[Wheels] Santana and Sam's impression hour is the greatest thing I've ever seen  
[MsJones] Sam is an insta whore  
[TroutyMouth] what? My followers have named every single one of my abs  
[GirlChang] Sam and Mike Ab Kings  
[NoahsArk] Tina Cohen-Chang TWITTER QUEEN  
[LadyFabray] Puck how do you even know what twitter is?  
[NoahsArk] I've seen it, I have it just to read Tina's semi agressive tweets  
[Satan-na] Queen T  
[Finnocence] should I get twitter!  
[Satan-na] shutup Finn you probably still have a flipphone  
[Wheels] and still updates his Facebook status  
[Finnocence] Sorry at least I don't text and drive  
[Satan-na] I miss cripple Fabray  
[Troll] oh poor Quinn and to think she was on her way to our wedding when tragedy struck  
[GirlChang] oh here we go  
[Troll] here we go what???  
[GirlChang] making Quinn's tragedy all about you!!!  
[TroutyMouth] ooooooooffffffhhhhhhh  
[NoahsArk] FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT  
[Bowtie] look I don't want my two girl besties to fight  
[Satan-na] GAG  
[LadyFabray] Basically I could say that Rachel nearly killed me because she wouldn't stop texting  
[Troll] Quinn that's awful and so not true  
[Satan-na] I mean actually when you think about it....  
[TroutyMouth] CRIMES COMMITED BY THE NEW DIRECTIONS  
[LadyHummel] yes this is like Judge Judy this is my dream  
[GirlChang] judge jury and executioner  
[Satan-na] I wanna be the executioner  
[Wheels] things that are a crime...  
[Satan-na] Finns Power ranger t shirt  
[ImMikeChang™] Puck and Rachel's mom having sexual relations  
[TroutyMouth] call the police woooo woooo woo  
[Bowtie] Sam what is woooo woooo woo?  
[Satan-na] police car sirens obviously  
[LadyHummel] Tina and her tub of vaporub  
[TroutyMouth] OMG STRAIGHT TO JAIL DO NOT EVEN PASS GO  
[GirlChang] oh please I was deranged  
[Satan-na] come on Tina if you gonna get a mega crush for a gay guy at least get the sexy feels for someone hotter like Elliott  
[Bowtie] oh and Kurt would love that  
[Satan-na] eau du Jealousy by Blaine  
[Wheels] remember when Mercedes smashed Kurt's car window?  
[NoahsArk] that was an actual felony ;) hot damn  
[MsJones] are you smooth talking me Puckerman?  
[NoahsArk] always baby  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Rachel Berry sent someone to a crackhouse  
[TroutyMouth] Bang bang  
[Troll] what????????  
[TroutyMouth] Santana shot you down  
[Troll] oh for goodness sake  
[Finnocence] that was pretty mean Rachel  
[Satan-na] ACTUAL CRIME IS WATCHING FINCHEL MAKING OUT  
[MsJones] damn true  
[Wheels] so much noise  
[LadyFabray] It's basically a violation  
[Satan-na] I've kissed Finn, I'd like my money back please  
[Finnocence] why can't you say something nice?  
[Satan-na] Finn I'm placing you right down at the bottom of people in this group chat I'd like to sleep with  
[Finnocence] seriously? :/  
[Troll] That's a little harsh  
[Wheels] LOL THAT MEANS I'M ABOVE YOU FINN  
[Bowtie] and me  
[Satan-na] don't get your Bowtie in a twist  
[LadyFabray] I'm curious now Santana please share this list  
[Satan-na] 

1\. Quinn Fabgay - sexy, sometimes I wanna slap you, sometimes I wanna make out with you.. Maybe both  
2.Brittany - I mean I don't needs to explain  
3\. Sam - I owns those guppy lips  
4\. Tina- Queen T is a total babe  
5\. Mike - It's the abs for me, plus you know strong but silent type is always a winner  
6\. Puck - at least I know what I'm getting  
7\. Mercedes- Mercedes is my girl so I don't really wanna sleep with her but she's stills a hottie  
8\. Blaine- I mean you're cute but I don't like that you dress like a jolly sailor  
9\. Artie - surprisingly cute for someone who dresses like a grandpa, maybe you can wheel me around on your lap  
10\. Rachel - Rachel's supringsly cute but if I slept with her she would probably critique me on my performance and give me notes on how to improve  
11\. Kurt - my boy has got buff, he deifintely wouldn't want to sleep with me though so would kind of bum me out  
12\. Finn - look it's not something I want to experience again  
[Finnocence] alright I think I need a chance to defend myself  
[Satan-na] oh you wanna go again??? Come on then  
[Finnocence] I don't THINK Rachel will like it  
[Troll] no Rachel would not  
[Bowtie] Santana is so agressive  
[TroutyMouth] who cares I'm number 3  
[ImMikeChang™] I mean it seems like a hate crime against Finn Hudson  
[LadyFabray] DJ Drizzle  
[Satan-na] QUINN I FUCKING LOVE YOU.. you have no right being this funny  
[Brit-tanynotspears] can you be my mom's?  
[GirlChang] I mean it wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen to us  
[TroutyMouth] no that normally happens when Tina hits her head  
[Satan-na] not the dream sequences  
[NoahsArk] didn't Tina once dream I was Blaine and that Finn was Kurt!?  
[GirlChang] YES I DID and you both looked so hot  
[NoahsArk] I ship it  
[MsJones] So Puck and Finn?? As Blaine and Kurt, how'd that go?  
[GirlChang] I dunno I dig it, wait what's their ship name  
[Satan-na] Fuck?????  
[Wheels] snort  
[ImMikeChang™] that escalated quickly  
[Finnocence] fuck what???  
[NoahsArk] fuck me  
[Troll] I don't even know what's happening anymore?  
[Brit-tanynotspears] Tina stop hitting your head  
[GirlChang] I mean I haven't done it in a while  
[TroutyMouth] I'll give you a whack and see what you can come up with  
[Bowtie] Sam!!!! No violence towards Tina  
[TroutyMouth] yes you are right violence is a crime  
[Wheels] Smooth Criminal  
[Satan-na] I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWWW  
[GirlChang] Sebastian was hot  
[Bowtie] he's gay Tina  
[GirlChang] everyone's gay :/  
[NoahsArk] you know what else is Criminal??  
[LadyFabray] Apart from you???  
[NoahsArk] oooooh sorry didn't skank Quinn set a piano on fire?  
[Satan-na] mmmmmm skank Quinn  
[TroutyMouth] stop drooling  
[LadyHummel] Yeah don't do that Rachel might slip over in the drool and break her talent  
[Troll] you are all so mean  
[LadyFabray] skank Quinn is in hibernation  
[Brit-tanynotspears] like a bear, bears hibernate, Blaine likes bears  
[TroutyMouth] *tumbleweed  
[Bowtie] Brittany no that's not true  
[Brit-tanynotspears] so you don't Bears that's horrible Blaine  
[LadyHummel] Miss Brittany you are never wrong  
[Brit-tanynotspears] duh seems obvious  
[TroutyMouth] I'm not at all furry and Blaines into me  
[MsJones] Oh THATS WHAT BEAR MEANS  
[ImMikeChang™] welcome to the chat Mercedes Jones  
[TroutyMouth] welcome to the chaos express  
[GirlChang] tickets are cheap  
[Satan-na] and the people are even cheaper  
[LadyFabray] meow  
[Wheels] we are trashy  
[NoahsArk] with great Power comes great responsibility  
[Troll] is that from lord of the rings?  
[Finnocence ] is that the gay elf movie?  
[Satan-na] ^^^^ no that's one of Kurt's home videos  
[TroutyMouth] you have no right to be that funny Santana, I love you  
[Satan-na] I love you too  
[Troll] Santana I did ask you nicely to remove that fish from the bathtub and that didn't mean relocating it the kitchen sink  
[TroutyMouth] HIS NAME IS TROUTY PUT SOME RESPECT ON IT  
[GirlChang] ^^^^^^ that seems a little Tina Cohen-Chang  
[Satan-na] I'm sorry that is my son have some respect, he's getting his own tank but you know what he's likes the freedom of the bathtub  
[NoahsArk] just like Artie likes the freedom of yeeting himself into the swimming pool  
[MsJones] PLEASE  
[Wheels] I really went weeeeeeeeeeeeee  
[TroutyMouth] dude <3  
[Brit-tanynotspears] wait I've thought about the ULTIMATE New directions crime  
[Satan-na] do share Brit Brit  
[Brit-tanynotspears] the fact that we all looked better IN Rachel's clothes than she did  
[Wheels] oooooh God.. She went there  
[LadyFabray] I liked that look  
[Troll] I INVENTED THAT LOOK  
[Brit-tanynotspears] and I looked better  
[GirlChang] I rocked it  
[Satan-na] Tina you looked so hot  
[MsJones] I mean I felt cute  
[NoahsArk] might delete later  
[Finnocence] LOL  
[Troll] FINN!!!!!  
[ImMikeChang™] yes where did you all randomly get bangs from???  
[TroutyMouth] not Santana with the bangs <3 *sweating  
[Bowtie] I'm so confused  
[Satan-na] I remember that... I told you that you could have access to my rambunctious twins  
[TroutyMouth] yes we were in the library  
[NoahsArk] you were in the library?  
[Satan-na] yes Puckerman I was  
[TroutyMouth] Samtana was born at that very moment  
[LadyFabray] Ah yes you stole him from me  
[Satan-na] pretty sure you were bumping uglies WITH Finn  
[Wheels] IT WAS ALL THE BAYAANNNGS  
[NoahsArk] Artie is chaotic tonight  
[Brit-tanynotspears] he is a king <3  
[Troll] crimes committed towards Rachel Berry a list  
[Finnocence] Not the lists  
[Satan-na] Finn has had enough  
[Finnocence] can I???  
[Satan-na] I mean sure 

[Finnocence] has removed [Troll] from the group chat 

[Finnocence] Can I be moved up your list now Santana?  
[Satan-na] sure  
[Wheels] over and out.... Imma chuck myself in the pool


End file.
